Brandon Fisher, CJ Kirkwood & Faizan

Archives

Have A Perfect Friday

As mentioned in Comedic Intent Podcast #63 - these are some of the best videos ever.

Furious Styles

furious

Someone in the bathroom at this club really likes Boyz In The Hood. They carved. "Listen to Furious Styles" in the blinds.

 

Designing Women - Part XXIX

drinken

According to a new study long-term married women drink more than long-term divorced or recently widowed women. I guess it makes sense - after a while you realize that you are stuck with that person forever and you just need a drink to deal with them. From everything that I’ve been told by married friends - the sex dries up after you get married, which seems contradictory to this study, because I thought women were more prone to have sex after they’ve had a couple drinks. Maybe women treat life like one long day where they need a stiff drink at the end. Then they can go soak in a nice hot bath (it would certainly explain the wrinkling) and then go to sleep.

Brandon Spoils Movies - Cocoon

cocooon

Continuing my education on movies where aliens and old people kick it; I submerged myself in the pool of my couch this weekend and watched Cocoon. Cocoon ironically contains two of the same geezers as a married couple from *Batteries Not Included; Jessica Tandy and Hume Cronyn – apparently there was a shortage of old people in the mid-eighties. Maybe the movies are linked. I mean it follows the theme that aliens don’t know what a bummer it is to have to hang out with old people all day. At least they sprinkled in a little Guttenberg for street cred instead of the Kenny Loggins look alike.

In Cocoon, aliens return to earth to rescue some workers that were left behind when they built (and ultimately let sank) Atlantis. The workers were stored in cocoons at the bottom of the sea and they were retrieved and placed in a pool by a nearby old folks home to incubate. The old folks, who need to be fenced off, break free on a daily basis and swim in the pool containing the cocoons, which gives them youthful energy. Here’s where things start to come apart like the seams of Wilfred Brimley’s swim trunks. If these cocoons had rejuvenating qualities, wouldn’t the whole ocean surrounding them be susceptible to the effects? And yes, the old people were rewarded with the energy and souls of their younger selves, but their bodies were still shit. Once the alien serum wore off, their bodies would go into a state of shock. It would be like if you strung up Don Ameche like a marionette and made him breakdance (which happened in the movie!!) then you cut the strings. His body would crumble faster than Guttenberg’s career.

Enough taking the piss out of the actors – let’s move onto the aliens / glow worms. I can’t really fault them for hanging out with old people – I mean it makes sense they chose people closest to their age, but you are telling me they could chose any skin to live in and one of them actually chose Brian Dennehy? He should have returned it to the shop for being defective and asked for a refund. Speaking of money. Where did they get all their money to rent and boat and a house for 27 days? You’re telling me we have space / USD currency converters? I think not. Unless there was a scene where they sell Atlantis artifacts at the pawn shop, I call bullshit. And what a bunch of asshole friends. They left these workers at the bottom of the sea for thousands of years. You couldn’t have popped in for a quick visit once in a while? Hell, even Wilfred Brimley’s grandson drops by on the regular.

Anyways – the aliens forgive the old people for letting their dry pruney bodies suck the life energy from their friends and offer to take them into space where they will live forever. There is a slow moving boat chase scene, which moves about as fast as you would expect old people to move and finally a giant spaceship, filled with pudding I assume, beams them in and they fly away. I guess there’s a lot of shuffleboard in eternity. Let’s just hope there isn’t any di-a-bee-tuss.

Who I Am In Love With This Week - Karen Gillan

amypond

There’s a new travel website where single women allow rich men to pay for them to go on vacation. Did I write travel site – I meant escort site. I will buy you a drink at the bar; I am not going to buy you a drink in Barbados. How is this website legal – and who does this apply to? As far as I can tell it’s for men who don’t like to travel alone, but like to sleep alone. It’s prostitution without any of the benefits. I have never been driving a hooker to the hotel and thought, “You know what – this is nice – just this. Why can’t it always be like this?” Well now it can.

I am a huge Doctor Who fan and I have suffered big time in the friendship and relationship realm because of this fact – much like the Doctor himself. The Doctor gets to travel non-stop in his Tardis and picks up companions along the way. In the most recent seasons - one of the companions has been the painfully adorable Amy Pond, played by Karen Gillan. She basically gets to travel, for free, to the end of the universe and she isn’t forced to do any sexual favors. Sure, she has to face cataclysmic scenarios, like every week, but it’s still safer than going to Aruba. She even gets to bring her boyfriend/husband along! Come on. The trailers for next season are up and I am clearing out space in my heart for Karen Gillan to return to. My heart is like the Tardis; it’s bigger on the inside than it appears on the outside and it may crush you if you get too attached to it.

Fashion The Pan - Part XI

helmet

Leave it up to the Swedish to revolutionize the bicycle fashion industry. A Swedish company named Hovding created an air bag for your head that inflates if you are involved in a bike accident. The airbag fits inside the collar of the product and remains completely elusive until your head is about to crash into the ground whereby it inflates and surrounds your head. Here’s the part I don’t get – how does it get around the top and front or your head? It looks like a hood, but you have to pull a hood on. Must be an ancient Swedish secret. Also part of the downside with car air bags is that they are known to burn the driver’s hands when ignited. Hope you didn’t like your neck being all smooth and unburned.

Outside of the outrageous claim that this is fashionable, I can’t find a lot of fault with this (though incidentally I also can’t find the $600 to purchase this.) Bike helmets are impossible to look cool in. There have been many advances, but the helmet industry has only recently moved from “dweeb” to “goober.” The more the helmet makers try to xtremeify their helmets, the dumber they look. Have you seen the motorcycle helmets that have a Mohawk coming out the top? They look like handicapped chickens. I tend not to wear helmets, because I would rather look awesome and have a scar than wear a helmet. Because chicks dig dudes with scars, they don’t dig dudes in helmets.

Brandon Spoils Movies - *Batteries Not Included

Batteries

After watching Short Circuit I decided to delve further into the fantasy world of human/machine interaction, so I braved my way through “*Batteries Not Included”. Two things should have warned me about this movie by just looking at the box; elderly people will be prominently featured and the asterisks imply it’s a footnote to something unmentioned. I blindly accepted the challenge and pressed play. Sure enough old people are in abundance in this film and the asterisks seems prefixed by “Battery Powered Plot Holes*”.

You’ve seen the movie “Up”? Of course you have. It’s great. Go watch that instead of this since the arc is pretty similar. A run-down shitty apartment building is all that stands between a real estate developer and his new skyscraper. So he hires a gang of ruffians to forcefully eject the tenants from their homes. Some residents refuse to leave and get harassed and terrorized. That is until a pair of space ships / aliens appear and help them defeat their opponents like a mechanical Seven Samurai. Ultimately the skyscrapers are built around the apartment building, just like in “Up”. Yes, “Up” came after this movie, but it’s easier to think that this was a shitty rip off. Here’s why…

It’s never really explained if these space ships were aliens or just machines from space. I would say machines, but they gave birth to other ships in the middle, so I am leaning more towards alien. This also implies there was some space ship fucking that wasn’t filmed. I also think alien, because they don’t seem to be affected by water or rust even though some of the parts used to make their children were scraps of metal that do rust. Also, a machine would know that hanging out with old people all day is a drag and should be avoided at all costs.

It’s also not really explained why they chose this apartment building. They needed to be recharged through electrical sockets, but they could have chosen any building in the world. Why this one? Because they wanted to help these tenants? Seems like a pretty significant leap of faith. You’re telling me they would fly across the galaxy just to help someone fix things? So they are like space superintendents? And if they had the power to fix things, couldn’t they fix the old people’s Alzheimer’s?

Speaking of flying across the galaxy, they are using Earth like a gas station (very similar to the concept behind Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy), so why not take over the earth for its electrical resources? That’s what I realized about movies with aliens; if they communicate with us they’re good aliens, if they don’t communicate with us they will destroy us for our resources. If anything they are treated less like conquerors and more like slaves. They have to put everything back together, they work in the restaurant and they can’t escape. If we do ever enslave aliens, we will have to put them in space camp. Because that’s in Alabama and that place is like a prison. You know what? Just go watch Wall-E. At least if there are machines in space cleaning up after humans there should be a good story supporting it.

Designing Women - Part XXVIII

lastrada

No one likes clowns. Why are they still around? (I apologize for the rhyme.) It seems like their sole purpose is to instill the fear of clowns in children. Part of my discomfort with them is the fake painted smile, because in the majority of instances the real expression deep within the fake smile is one of perpetual sadness, shame and misery. This is not unlike the hollow, emotionless smile you will get from a stripper. It’s merely painted on; it is in no way a reflection of their reality. Am I saying strippers are just as good at a kid’s party? Yes I am. Strippers are adult clowns. You can pay both to come to your house, there’s usually a lot of make-up and glitter, they wear colorful outfits, sometimes ping pong balls are involved and I don’t trust either one.

In a new study, “Smiles (are) signals of lower status in...fashion models: Evidence that smiles are associated with lower dominance and lower prestige.” It seems counterintuitive that they wouldn’t smile, but apparently it has nothing to do with satisfaction. “The current findings suggest that instructions to suppress smiles have less to do with wishing to convey information about the sender’s lack of positive affect (happiness) and instead have more to do with the desire to convey an image of high prestige.” Kind of makes sense. Normally models give off a bitchy, superficial, unapproachable demeanor and if you buy their product you can avoid getting hit on in bars, because no one will want to talk to you. Knowing that the facial expression identifies the underlying feeling, it makes sense clowns have creepy smiles, because they are creepy and you should avoid them. That paint is like the coloring of a poisonous snake. You've been warned.

Who I Am In Love With This Week - Olivia Munn

oliviamunn

News reporters are getting too attractive these days. The other day I just wanted to flip on the news before work to see what traffic was like and I thought I landed on the naked channel (word to the wise – if you do watch the naked channel, flip the channel to a neutral station before turning off the TV to avoid a rude awakening - and by that - I mean morning wood.) I only have fifteen minutes before I need to get to work and then I had to go follow-up on this up and coming story. (You can paint the picture whether it was walked off or whacked off – it’s like a “choose your own adventure” story.)

News is hardly fair and balanced let alone accurate and complete, but the problem is I tend to believe what attractive women say. It’s a weakness. I also have to pretend like I am interested in what they are saying, which makes it all that much more difficult now that there are so many attractive female sportscasters. I don’t want to care about football and now I am being tricked into it. Attractive female reporters are also much more soothing while delivering bad news. It’s hard to be upset when I am thinking, “Aw. But you are okay, right? I don’t want you to be sad.” This is why hospitals should hire attractive women to deliver bad news to families, because you can’t curse God while at the same time looking at this work of art He made.

I became aware of Olivia Munn when she was reporting nerdy news on G4 about video games. She was beautiful, smart, funny and entertaining. At first it seemed like she was just mocking us, but over time she committed to this ruse and we accepted her as one of our own. Then she left us (as they all do) and pursued her acting career with roles in Perfect Couples and Magic Mike. Now she plays Sloan, a news reporter on addictive HBO show The Newsroom. She is once again reporting news to me and I believe every word. She should really start making self-esteem boosting tapes that I can listen to while I sleep. With that sultry voice, at least I would have an excuse for my rude awakening.

Fashion The Pan - Part X

hellraiser

Getting kicked in the balls in the worst. Literally the worst. Girls don’t seem to understand what the feeling is equivalent to, so I give them these two points of reference. You know in the Matrix when the sentinels are chasing the Nebuchadnezzar and they use the EMP pulse to knock out all the electrical circuits in the surrounding area. It’s like that. Or maybe, in Return Of The Jedi when The Emperor is trying to turn Luke to the darkside and he is filling his body with the lightning from his hands. It’s like that. What? Most women hate science fiction movies? Okay – it’s like when you forget to put oil in your car and blow out the transmission. It’s like that. This is why they teach you the knee-to-the-crotch move on your first day in any self defense class. It’s the most effective defense in an attack.

That is unless you own these called The Hellraiser shoe by some evil company called Unif. Studs and spikes are nothing new, especially in punk culture, but they were more used for aesthetics and sometimes for damage in the pit, but never damage in the crotch. If you hit some dude in the balls with these you would go from playing softball to whiffleball. I do get a chuckle out of these, because at the end of the night, when the girl is drunk and no longer wants to wear shoes, she can't really carry these things around – you would have to just tack them up against a cork board and retrieve them in the morning.

Designing Women - Part XXVII

onenightonly

I am not a one night stand kind of guy. I am the type of guy you want to hear about day after day, but mainly just through facebook status updates. I’ve never woke up the next morning and thought, “crap - I had a one night stand”, but there have certainly been times when I thought, “crap - I am in a many day stand off.” I have kept in touch with everyone I have been romantically involved with. This explains why I would never pick up a prostitute. I would end up sending her a friend request on the ride home. I am not really sure why I feel inclined to do so. I guess at the end of the day I consider myself a good guy and don’t want them to feel taken advantage of. This is probably also why no one wants a one night stand with me.

According to a new study women were more likely to express regret over a one night stand only if the man was high in wealth potential. Men expressed regret if the woman was very attractive. This means if you visit a prostitute you shouldn’t pick a hot one, because you will get attached. If you are a prostitute you shouldn’t feel guilty for taking a guy’s last hundred bucks, because you don’t want to date some broke ass pervert. The most regretful combination would have to be a wealthy man and a hot hooker. Apparently they made a movie out of this study – it was called Pretty Woman.

Brandon Spoils Movies - Crocodile Dundee

crocodiledundee

Ah the 1980s - where you could be a celebrity just by being from a foreign country (see: Yahoo Serious, and Yakov Smirnoff.) Paul Hogan, better known as Crocodile Dundee (and less as the full name Michael J Dundee), capitalized on the trend and wrote this tale of an aborigine poacher, who gains fame and leaves Australia to come to New York for some reason. It’s your typical crocodile out of water story. Ha. Get it. How was that not the tagline? Anyways, he’s called Crocodile, because a crocodile attacked him. If this is the logic for naming convention then shouldn’t Steve Irwin have been called Stingray or Sonny Bono have been called Tree? RIP, guys. It’s shocking to me that Hogan became a short-lived star after this movie came out considering that he was 49 when it ran and half of his dialogue is “G’day”.

Normally at this point in the review I discuss the plot, but that would be unfair, considering that this film in no way follows a typical three act movie structure. First, half of the movie is spent in Australia and half is in America, so it’s actually a two act structure, but in neither half does anything actually happen. Normally there are obstacles and a midway point called first culmination where the protagonist seems farthest from his goal or objective. Aside from some stray intruders (and stay-in boyfriends) there really aren’t any obstacles. I guess you could say it was the possibility of losing his love interest, but she makes out with him super early in the movie and never really poses a threat of leaving. Second, there really is no goal or objective in the movie other than drinking, fighting and packing enough crocodile suits for a long vacation. The whole time watching this I was thinking, “When is the murder going to happen that he has to solve?” It never happens. At least in the sequel there are gangsters.  

So what does happen? I wish I knew, man. I wish I knew. With nothing cinematic to cling to, I will just make stray catty observations. It’s no wonder the crocodile tried to eat him, his skin is like seasoned beef jerky. Seriously don’t these people use sun block? He is so tan, with that blonde hair he looks like the tanned mom (if she took 6 months off that is.) The co-star/love interest, who is a totally slut by the way, never wears a bra in the ENTIRE movie. By the second or third outfit I started to get curious, so I tallied her outfits through the end and nope, not one single bra was injured in the filming of this movie. She is a reporter for Newsday and its no wonder the newspaper industry is in decline. There was no story to report (or movie, for that matter), but they lavishly pampered her and this walking slim jim for a news story about a guy who got bit, but doesn’t lose a leg, from a crocodile. I mean shit, the poor surfer girl who got her arm bit off didn’t get a luxury suite in downtown NYC. This whole newspaper gushing was questionable until it’s revealed her father is the owner. Now it makes sense. I will say if you have to watch this movie, skip to the last scene it’s pretty great. I won’t ruin that for you. Just everything else.

Who I Am In Love With This Week - Alison Pill

kim_pine

Maybe people’s artistic abilities have not caught up to my needs, but I don’t understand why anyone gets turned on by naked cartoons. Most children with no access to nudity draw naked ladies. But now we have the internet and they can just go online to look at drawings of naked ladies. I don’t get the point of animated porn. I guess you can make drawings where the cartoons do seemingly inhuman things, but if that becomes your taste then you will have a pretty hard time when you actually hook up with a woman. Who am I kidding? The people who look at animated porn will never be with a real lady. The closest thing they will have to another body in their bed will be a Dakimakura (loosely translated as Japanese body pillow or pathetic loser accessory – I don’t know - my Japanese isn’t so good these days.)

Having said that, when I first read the fantastic Scott Pilgrim graphic novels I didn’t think much of Kim Pine – that is until they made a live action movie starring Alison Pill. A smoking hot female drummer, who is also real? Now that is an idea I can get behind. Alison Pill was perfect as Kim Pine – cute as a button, sharp as a tack, punk as fuck and real (the last part is probably the most important.) I just started watching The Newsroom where she plays Maggie and I have no literary background to compare it against, but she is once again perfectly cast. So this week I am in love with you Alison Pill. You should be perfectly cast as my girlfriend or drummer for my band depending on your current relationship status.

Living Situation

Living_Situation

After weeks of writing, recording and editing - The first episode of my new podcast Living Situation is now available!! Living Situation is a half an hour scripted sketch comedy podcast that I wrote where everything that could go right doesn’t. It features myself and Alexis Turrentine (who you may remember as the voice from the first several episodes of the Comedic Intent Podcast) and an evolving cast of characters voiced by other local comics. There will be a total 12 episodes, released on the first of each month over the next year, and then I will keep it up for a little while until I remove it forever (I am like the Disney of Podcasting). I am so happy with it and I’m beyond stoked that I can finally share it with you all.

You can find it on itunes or by right clicking and saving the hyperlink above. Please subscribe, download, listen, relisten and enjoy.

Fashion The Pan - Part IX

manx

SPANX is mostly known as the maker of spandex body shaping undergarments for women to hide their bulges. Well they have decided to no longer be crammed, uncomfortably into only that category and have decided to make undergarments for men. I get the deflating of the muffin top, but wouldn’t this also flatten out the six-pack gym rats have worked so long for? I thought women liked bulging muscles. In addition they have a line of underwear. I knew women liked a flat stomach – I didn’t know they also liked a flat crotch. They have really mastered the art of hiding bulges. I think the transvestite community just found their wardrobe sponsor.

Designing Women - Part XXVI

WHMS

I can’t say I am always right. But I will. I am always right. Especially when pointing out glaringly obvious observations in relationships. But sometimes being able to say, “I told you so” isn’t worth the circumstances that allow your gloating. I dated someone for a long time in college and was convinced every dude she met was trying to hook with her. This was the catalyst for the majority of our fights until she decided to just go ahead and hook up with one of those dudes. As a guy I know – every guy talking to your girlfriend is just trying to get with her. Maybe not now…but eventually. Guys, you have cause to be cautious, because according to a new study it’s confirmed that men are likely to harbor attraction for the women they become friends with because…of course they do. Science, sometimes you try too hard when it’s not necessary. You don’t have to go through the process of hypothesis & trials with this one; it’s been a Law since the beginning of time.

Science proves more things in this study that everyone already knew, “Women are more likely to consider their friendships with men as platonic and only hope that they develop into more if their own relationship is in trouble.” Why? Because of course they do. If you want an accurate comedic representation of this I remind you of Chris Rock’s observation of “Dick In A Glass Case”, which has never been more true.  It’s like someone created an experiment just to support his argument. I direct you to exhibit A:

Designing Women - Part XXV

mrs

When a women gets married the abbreviation before her surname changes from “Ms.” to “Mrs.”, but when a man gets married his stays the same, “Mr.” According to my married friends, this is because once a woman gets married she completely changes. Ms. Thomas that you were dating is not the same person as Mrs. Thomas. Ms. Thomas may have allowed you to go out drinking with your buddies and go to the store in sweatpants. Mrs. Thomas withholds sex in return for jewelry. I cannot prove this to be true, since I am not married and this is of course hearsay (or rather he-say), but it seems consistent with my observations.

The above observation seems especially true when the woman takes the males last name. Because then she truly is a different person. I want my wife to take my last name. In fact, I want her to take my last name, my first name and my middle name. I want to start fresh as someone new. That’s how marriage works, right? It’s like a game of tag. Now she has to deal with my debt, obligations and empty promises. From what I’ve read more men are choosing to take their wives last name. I believe it was in return for their balls.

Women’s status in society is improving and evolving over time and sexism becoming less overt. With this - a recent study looked at, “personal preferences regarding marriage proposals and marital name changes. (They) then tested whether endorsing benevolent sexism was predictive of holding traditional marriage preferences.” Sure enough, they were able to tie, “benevolent sexism to heterosexual-dating scripts and courtship behavior,” Meaning that Mr Wrong you met in the bar who treated you like a piece of meat over time would make you Mrs Wrong. If you want to retain your name, date open minded guys who don't need you to conform to society’s laws. If you want him to take your name, get ready to buy a lot of pants, because you will be the one wearing them in the relationship.

Brandon Spoils Movies - Back To School

BTS

To round out the trifecta of poor overprivileged white youth in the 80s (see also: Just One Of The Guys and Soul Man ) this week I watched Back To School. This is the first entry where the youth was already accepted into college, but he was not in a fraternity or on the dive team. That doesn’t matter, because once his father enters into college everything works out for the best. The movie stars Rodney Dangerfield as college freshman Thorton Mellon, Keith Gordon as his son Jason and Robert Downey Jr as a gay pirate who may or may not also be a classical composer and may or may not be an Adam Ant back-up dancer. None of these characters are important. The movie is a series of dialogue struggling to incorporate Dangerfield’s one-liners and it’s an excuse to give Sam Kinison a job.

So what does happen? Well. After filing for divorce from his second wife (which apparently makes you want to get educated) Dangerfield decides to visit his son Jason at college whereby he discovers he’s a fratless loser who can’t get girls or a spot on the diving team. Dangerfield enters college by donating a large sum of money to the university in order to gain some book smarts (even though he already know more about the subjects he’s learning than his professors) and help his son overcome the awkwardness that only comes from being raised exuberantly wealthy. Maybe he should have just accepted an honorary degree - they seem to give those out pretty willy-nilly these days. He then moves in and enrolls in all the classes with his son. Okay. Here’s the problem: Have you ever had your parents show up to school to bring your forgotten lunch or to sit through a parent/teacher conference? It’s humiliating. This whole movie is predicated on the leap of faith that Jason has no problem his Dad is around him non-stop. They even party and study together. This would never happen in real life. In fact the only time Jason is ashamed is when his father comes to his dive meet which is the ONLY time children want their parents around.

So Dangerfield hires a team of employees to do his school work - only to get caught and is ordered to take an oral exam for his mid-terms in order to prove he learned something (yeah – I said mid-terms. Don’t forget this wasn’t even the finals or anything.) He then buckles down and studies for what must have been two whole days in order to learn half a semester’s worth of knowledge in order to pass the oral exam. He does so with the help of Jason and a teacher he is currently banging (by the way – did no one else think she was kind of a whore?) and skates through the exam. He then goes to Jason’s dive meet where he steals the show by allowing his body-double (who looks NOTHING like him) to do a “Triple Lindy” which seems illegal in all forms of diving. It’s called diving – not bouncing. You’re thinking of trampolines. Jason again has no problem with this. Oh well. At least he got the girl with the bare minimum amount of screen time needed to script a love story. Then Dangerfield delivers the shortest commence speech in the history of schooling to the seniors even though he is still a freshman and we are just past midterms. There are a lot of gaps of time in this movie. Like when he sets up the School of Management as a bribe to get accepted he does so overnight. Not to mention the timewarp you would need to take to assume any college girl would hook up with Dangerfield.

What is the moral of the story? Get rich. Then get smart. If you get in trouble hook up with the teacher and pay off the dean. Money is knowledge. Also if you are Billy Zabka you can dive into a pool and you’re perfectly maintained feathered hair will be unaffected. Oh yeah. Zabka’s in this too and as previously mentioned gets beat up by the nerd.

Teacher With ADHD

Here's a thing I was in. Written by my friend Yasi Nejat.

Back in fifteen

baback

I am going on vacation for a week, so the site will probably not get updated. We are recording an episode tonight (which will be available for download tomorrow) and will be back on regular rotation next week.

Designing Women - Part XXIV

boredtv

The best part about being single is that I still have not heard an Adele song. I also don’t know what this Gotye thing is. Is that like a Goat/Coyote?  When you’re in a relationship you get exposed to all kinds of boring shit you would otherwise be shielded from. Being single is like being a hipster – you simply cruise through life not being subject to mainstream topical fads. As much as I hate the term – I probably am a hipster - mainly because I date girls I haven’t even met yet.

To be fair - women have to put up with just as much crap as men. They have to pretend to like your friends, beer and sports. In fact, a new study proves that, “wives were more likely to watch televised sports as a means of maintaining their relationship with their husbands than for their own enjoyment.” The issue here is that I don’t watch sports. Which means my wife won’t have to pretend when she’s with me. Relationships are all about compromise. I won’t make them watch sports if they won’t make me watch anything involving a celebrity’s child (unless it’s a sex tape.)

Brandon Spoils Movies - Short Circuit

shortcircuit

There are two schools of people; those who believe robots will be our servants and those who believe robots will destroy us all. What if they are both? If that’s true - why is no one scared of butlers? In the movie Short Circuit, a military operation named NOVA (poorly named since it means “No Go” in Spanish) creates a line of military bots who side as servants during non war time. One of these bots, Number Five, gets left plugged into a generator during a rain storm and gets short circuited, thus giving it sentient life and a snarky attitude. The robot escapes and hides from the government with the assistance of Food Truck driver/crazy person Ally Sheedy and its creators Steve Guttenberg and Fisher Stevens. The rest of the movie plays out like a mix between Wall-E and ET or as it shall be known Wall-ET.

Wall-ET escapes and he inadvertently meets up with Sheedy who takes care of him and teaches him to be human - like make her food, kick her ex-boyfriend’s ass, give her adventure…sounds like she just programmed a new boyfriend. I am not sure what time period this was supposed to take place in, I assume the shitty eighties due to the shitty eighties music, but even 25 years later all forms of electronics (including Wall-ET) need physical input to write information. I can’t hold my Ipod over a CD and make it start playing that CD. So how could Wall-ET read? Did someone teach him that? How does Wall-ET know voice commands with no ears or mouth? And why does Wall-ET’s voice sound different than the other bots – weren’t they all programmed the same using the same resources. Later when he fights the other bots – he teaches them how to be the Three Stooges and their voice changes – did he hot wire their hardware? He even knows how to laugh – I am not sure this is distinctly human – I have been to many comedy shows where humans lack the ability to laugh.

Let’s talk about Wall-ET for a second. He’s basically a destructive, lovable unmanned military drone (maybe Obama should have used Wall-ET – could have saved him some flack.)  This sounds a lot like how Terminators started. Are we sure there wasn’t an “Off” button on the T1000? Speaking of power – we know Wall-ET needs a generator to supply its power, so why did it never get recharged?

This movie is about the desire to be something you are not. Wall-ET wants to be human. Fisher Stevens wants to be Indian. Steve Guttenberg wants to be smart. And Ally Sheedy wants to be attractive. We can’t be what we aren’t programmed to be - as they repeated – we just run programs. But maybe we can all learn a little something along the way. Like most kids movies, Short Circuit teaches children never trust the government.

Fashion The Pan - Part VIII

ring

As mentioned in Comedic Intent episode 57 – a website is now selling wedding bands with the word married engraved on the inside to prohibit cheating. Here’s the problem – some women love to see a man with a wedding band at a bar. It’s a game for them. It’s like a PacMan machine walked into the bar and everyone wanted to screw it. In the past a married man could take off the ring and pretend like he was single – now he’s permanently a target for those women who hunt for married men. As a single male I hope they don’t make you prove you are married to purchase one of these, because I wouldn’t mind wearing one – clearly this whole being single thing has not been working out for me.

Designing Women - Part XXIII

compliment

Have you noticed that you can’t say, “good for you” without sounding sarcastic. That really says something about how smug and dickish we are as a society. You also can’t say, “get home safely” to a women on the street without them clutching their mace and dialing 9, 1 on their phone. You can’t even compliment people these days without a high probability of eye rolling or brow lowering (certainly not in the workplace.) Whenever I get complimented on something - I just assume they want it. This explains why I don’t get a lot of compliments on my body. I have nice things, but I don’t “peacock”, because in my understanding, women like tall, dark and handsome, not circular, colorful and birdlike. I do pay my fair share of compliments without acceptance – at least they are cheaper than drinks.

I thought all women liked to be complimented, but according to a new study, “Compliments given from man to man were accepted 40% of the time; only 22% of compliments given from one woman to another were accepted.” But, “When it was a man, not a woman, giving a compliment, women accepted it 68% of the time.”

Brandon Spoils Movies - Just One Of The Guys

JOG

After reviewing Soul Man I decided to dig deeper into the tragedy that is being rich, white and beautiful in 1980s America and watched “Just One Of The Guys“. Similar to Soul Man, “Just One Of The Guys“ is about a youth unable to achieve their dreams based on their unfortunate genetic code. Instead of becoming black, Joyce Hyser becomes a transvestite in an effort to pose as a male to win a summer journalism internship at a local newspaper. I didn’t know women had trouble being journalists. Good thing this came out when it did or who knows what Arianna Huffington would be doing now. Probably a model.

Here’s the thing. She didn’t originally win the internship because her writing sucked. Both school editors confirmed this when she was a woman AND when she was a man. This has nothing to do with sexism. This had everything to do with suckism. Had she written a good article to begin with this whole movie could have been avoided. Let’s take a closer look at the transformation. Why was the other school’s registration date for entry later than her original school? Seems unfair to give them more time. And what school would allow someone to transfer TWO WEEKS before school ended? I guess the same school that doesn’t match the transcripts assigned sex to their actual person. And then she ended up graduating from her original school. This seems like a whole side movie about filling out applications was circumvented.

Hyser is not a good actress. She has just as hard a time playing a man as she does a woman. She barely passes for human. But not all of this is her fault. There are some glaring issues I have with how the movie assumes men are. Men don’t have beauty marks (not sure why we got skipped in evolution on that one, but it happened.) Men do not have plucked eyebrows – sorry – we don’t care. We also don’t wear ties to school every day – sorry –we don’t care how we dress. We really don’t care about meeting other men and getting to know what music they like and their feelings…actually we don’t really care about other men at all. We care so little about them – no one could tell that this was clearly a woman. Again, white people in the 1980s were pretty fucking dumb.

Let’s talk about the school real quick. Why did people wait until a week before prom to ask someone out? I assume it takes more than a long weekend to plan. And how were there so many nerds in this school? One kid was even allowed to bring pets? No wonder there was a school bully. And to make this a quintessential 1980s movie the bully they got was the bully to end all bullies, Billy Zabka. But the thing about Zabka is – if you look at his movies he gets beat up at the end of every one. In this one he gets beat up by the nerd who has probably never thrown a fist in his whole life. I guess that proves bullying doesn’t work. At least that’s what they would have you believe with all the school campaigning these days.

<12345678>>>

cip
Powered by PyroCMS Powered by PyroCMS Powered by PyroCMS Powered by PyroCMS