Brandon Fisher, CJ Kirkwood & Faizan


Who I Am In Love With This Week - Bethany Elhmann


Every several years, IQ tests test have to be “re-normed” so that the average remains 100. This means that a person who scored 100 a century ago would score 70 today; a person who tested as average a century ago would today be declared mentally retarded.¹ Just think – the bible was written over 2,000 years ago. Do the math. I’ve never taken an IQ test (because I don’t want to show off), but I consider myself to be of above intelligence. This was until Wednesday when I went to the National Geographic Theater in DC to hear Bill Nye moderator a panel on space exploration. I took great pride in bringing down the Mensa level IQ in the room. I found it odd that you can get aroused by the sight of a beautiful woman, but your brain doesn’t get hard after being presented with new and exciting knowledge. Needless to say after that discussion my brain was rock hard and capable of impregnating the minds of other (with knowledge that is.)

One of the speakers on the panel was Bethany Elhmann who is a Research Scientist at Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL) and currently works with the Curiosity rover that landed on Mars. I love smart women. I prefer a large IQ to a large cup size. Not only was Bethany incredibly smart (even for nerd standards) she was funny and attractive (things not commonly associated with nerds.) She also loves what she does and is noticeably enthusiastic and excited by newly acquired knowledge. I have mentioned before that I would be the first to sign-up for a one way mission to Mars. I hope Bethany is likeminded in case they require a female to help repopulate society.

Fashion The Pan - Part XIX


The other day I saw a woman in the worst animal print. Turns out they were just polka dots. Like most men, I find animal prints pointless. Women think they’re sexy – they are not. Only men turned on by animals are into animal print. And if they are turned on by animals, your human ladyparts probably won’t suffice their desires. If women choose to wear zebra print, or leopard print or whatever I think it should be acceptable for me to wear lion print and chase them down the street. But I am a man and I would never wear a print pattern. What’s ironic is men won’t wear animal print, but they will wear plant print – it’s called camouflage.

I have no problem with leggings as long as they aren’t jeggings, because I don’t like to be tricked. If you’re wearing jeans, wear jeans. If you forgot to shave, or you work at Hooters, you can opt for the flesh colored stockings, but I still feel duped. I prefer your human leg. And let me be clear that means the outside. For some reason Nike decided it might be an idea to make leggings resembling an X-Ray. Women are beautiful. Their bones are not. No one should be a boner over her bone. I have never once found myself getting too excited looking at the anatomical skeleton in biology class. But thanks for reminding me that someday this hot lady will be dead, Nike. Just don’t do it.

Designing Women - Part XXXV


You know when women are ready to get down? When they wear white pants. It guarantees they are not on their period. If you are a dude just looking to bone – these women should probably be your first course of action. If that doesn’t work - locate the closest tiara. You know when they aren’t ready to get down? When they say, “No”. Seriously guys cut that “no means yes” shit out.

Whenever I’ve dated a girl and it was their time of the month - sex is put on hold. I don’t care if some people are cool with it. I don’t want it to look like there was a finger painting accident. I’ve had some women fake it in bed. Fake what? Orgams during sex? Maybe. Their period to get out of sex? Definitely. A new study reveals that 40% of women have used their period as an excuse to get out of doing something they didn’t want to do and the other 60% are liars. I don’t understand the need to lie. No means no. Pretty simple. Your body is just extracting reproductive elements. You don’t see me attempting to get out of “reality show” night every time I masturbate. Though I may start.

Who I Am In Love With This Week - Lauren Lapkus


One of the problems with online dating is that you never hear that person’s voice until far too late in the game. Some people choose to talk on the phone before a first meeting; some opt to just meet up. In either scenario that person may have a terrible off-putting voice that renders them undateable. That’s why I liked the old video-dating services. On VHS you could see what they look like now (not in a 10 year old photo) and what they sound like. If need be, you could mute the sound. Unfortunately you cannot do that in real life.

I like a unique voice. That way when they call you up on the phone and say, “Hey, it’s me” I know exactly who they are. Everyone else who does that to me comes off rather presumptuous. A great laugh is also a must. As a comic, you could not date someone with a terrible laugh – that would be like calling a phone sex line and having Bea Arthur talk dirty to you (and I do mean Bea Arthur now.) I won’t name names, but a comic friend of mine had to abandon their CD recording, because of someone’s terrible laugh being audible the entire time.

Some people may have muted this week’s episode of Comedy Bang Bang when they heard Lauren Lapkus’ character’s voice, but I actually really liked it. She was unique and funny and captivating. It drove me to check her out on line and her character as well as the actor portraying the character is a perfect match for me. Cute. Good voice. Good laugh. Familiar with podcasts…Does anyone have her phone number?

p.s. lapkustwitter

Designing Women - Part XXXIV


People who draw in their eyebrows are lepers of society (literally their eyebrows have been removed like a weak limb). Some actually laser away their eyebrows so they can draw them in (or worse tattoo them on!) What’s weird is that this is accepted in society, yet if I tried to draw in hair over my balding spot I would be shunned from society and forced to live out the remainder of my life cleaning the bathroom drain from the Kardashian’s house.

Now some women want to get cosmetic surgery to get their eyebrows to look “bushier” like Megan Fox. I am against all forms of plastic surgery outside of reconstructive surgery as a result of an accident (and I don’t mean being born with too high eyebrows.) The procedure to get this look is the same that they give balding men when they get “plugs”. Men with plugs are almost as bad as the brow-drawers, but it’s accidental. Here’s the thing - people notice when a guy gets plugs and he is often ridiculed (this is the plug of shame us balding men must bear.) I hope these women get shamed into not proceeding with the surgery by people yelling “plugs” at them on the street. Apparently, the “bushier” look is very in these days. Let’s see how this affects next bikini season.

Fashion The Pan - Part XVIII


Did you know that for the video for Smooth Criminal Michael Jackson patented a hitching mechanism that allowed him to do the anti-gravity lean? The system allowed for, “a shoe wearer to lean forwardly beyond his center of gravity by virtue of wearing a specially designed pair of shoes which will engage with a hitch member movably projectable through a stage surface. The shoes have a specially designed heel slot which can be detachably engaged with the hitch member by simply sliding the shoe wearer's foot forward, thereby engaging with the hitch member¹.”

I don’t think the designer Leanie van der Vyver licensed this patent for these heels, but something needs to be required so that this poor girl doesn’t shatter her kneecaps. When Michael Jackson would get up on his toes no one assumed he would try to walk around like that. It was just temporary until moon walking away. Now that’s what we need fashion Moon Walking Boots. And not the ones Neil Armstrong wore. I mean the ones Napoleon Dynamite wore. At least that way when you tumble by attempting to walk in them your ankles won’t dislocate.

Who I Am In Love With This Week - Abby Elliott


Bras are getting increasingly more difficult to operate. They need to print directions right on the front like you were disassembling an Ikea desk. Why are they so tricky? I am pretty sure they were designed by the father of the girl wearing them. I want to invent Dad Brand Bras. They will be password protected. They can only be unlocked by dainty feminine hands. And the whole thing shuts down if testosterone is detected. Dad Brand Bras: “Don’t Touch My Daughter”.

There’s nothing weirder than meeting your new girlfriend’s father (except maybe meeting your father’s new girlfriend.) It’s gotta be that much harder if their father is famous. Unless of course you dated her specifically to meet her father. You know it happens. Chelsea Clinton is married. Point made. Moving On. The complete series of Get A Life has finally be released on DVD and I have been ritually rewatching it. Chris Elliott seems like the funnest person to be around. He’s probably the only dad I wouldn’t be terrified to meet. If you are unfamiliar he is father to the beautiful, funny and talented Abby Elliott. How this happened is a mystery. But it happened. I loved her on SNL and now that she has left it seems incomplete without her. I don’t know what she has lined up, but I will check it out regardless. And if she wants to date me and introduce me to her father that’s cool too.

Brandon Spoils Movies - Joe Versus the Volcano


To be honest I picked up Joe Versus the Volcano in a thrift store assuming it was a cheesy 80s movie. Boy was I wrong. It was actually from the 90s. I was pleasantly surprised with how much I enjoyed the movie - even though he doesn’t actually fight the volcano – if anything it’s more like Joe Versus the Mediocrity of Soulless Work. Tom Hanks stars in this movie about a man who is sickened by his Terry Gilliam-esque work environment (it’s like an American Brazil – and no I don’t mean a bikini wax option). He seeks medical help with symptoms resulting from soul crushing malaise and is told he only has six months to live. He is visited by a man who offers him a chance to sacrifice himself by jumping into a volcano to appease the Gods. He accepts with little fight or objection and begins his journey to the island and encounters obstacles all along the way – including three characters played by Meg Ryan. It’s kind of an odd beginning to the Sleepless in Seattle / You’ve Got Mail / Hanks / Ryan Trilogy, but at least it’s a reminder of how much Shelly Long blew her career.

So Hanks and Ryan travel to this island led by Abe Vigoda. Really? Abe Vigoda. He couldn’t even lead a waltz. The island is called Waponi and the villagers are called Waponians, but they refer to the volcano as the “Wu”. It’s a missed opportunity to call them the Wu Tang Clan. Oh well that’s what I will refer to them as. The Wu Tang Clan are addicted to Orange Soda. What’s weird is that they have a constant supply yet they never explain who is stocking them up with this tasty beverage. When the Wu Tang Clan find out Hanks is there to sacrifice himself, they pamper him, but they also pamper Ryan for some reason. Seems like high praise for a free loader. Over the journey Hanks and Ryan fall in love and Ryan decides to jump in the volcano with Joe after the get married. Kind of makes sense. You might as well kill yourself immediately after you get married, because it’s all downhill from there. Vigoda marries them and they jump into the volcano only to be spit out. I think it’s because they probably weren’t virgins. In my understanding volcanoes really like virgins. The volcano swallows the island and the Wu Tang Clan and Hanks and Ryan live happily ever after even with the Wu Tang Clan and their boats crew’s blood on their hands.

I think it would great to know you only have six months to live. I would get so much done in a day. Plus I don’t want to get old. No thanks. I can’t be the only one who really wants the Mayan calendar prediction to be right - am I? I have mentioned in the past that I would like to be thrown into a volcano. Mainly so I can have that Terminator 2 thumbs up moment. Yes, I assume I will die thumbs up. Or if there’s ever a one-way ticket to Mars, I would be the first to sign-up. Having said that for comedic intent and knowing I am able to refute what I just said and knowingly wasted seconds of your life reading that - there’s nothing funny about having a short time left to live. Well almost. Tig Notaro was able to spin her tragically heartbreaking cancer diagnosis into one of the greatest stand-up sets of all time. I highly recommend you purchase it from Louis CK’s site here.  $4 of the $5 go directly to Tig.

Fashion The Pan - Part XVII


Women’s purses are getting out of control. If you see someone fishing through their purse for their keys – grab a seat – this might take a while. They have a better chance throwing their keys in the sewer and trying to find them - at least there’s less crap in there. Have you ever some someone step into their purse to try and find their keys? Well. I haven’t. But I have seen someone get their whole head and arms inside to find their keys. Their purses are becoming this giant Alice In Wonderland mirror that you have to walk through to get to the possessions on the either side.

They have to dig through their purse to find their keys to their larger purse – their automobile. It’s like two-factor authentication for their lip balm. Purses are typically name brand and the automobile industry learned the importance of this and started cross promoting their cars with clothing brands. There are many limited edition authomobile / Brand Name collabos. Hell there’s even a Victoria Beckham Range Rover Edition.

Then there’s this Chanel purse. I can only assume Chanel has gotten into the automobile industry and is starting to manufacturer the “It” (as mentioned in South Park and seen below.) It makes sense that women can now ride their purses. Some are about as expensive as an automobile. It's got to be more comfortable than and broom stick. And you want everyone to know you own it at all times. The only problem is that now if you get in a fight and hit a women with your purse it’s considered a hit-and-run.


Living Situation Episode 3


The third episode of my other podcast Living Situation is now available. You can right click and download here or through Itunes.


Fashion The Pan - Part XVI


Ostriches are the procrastinators of the animal kingdom. They are like your stoner friend who just floats through life and plays dead when trouble comes round. Contrary to popular belief ostriches do not actually bury their head in the sand. When lying down and hiding from predators, the birds lay their heads and necks flat on the ground, making them appear as a mound of earth from a distance.¹

Work is a predator that never stops eating you. People make elaborate attempts to avoid work at all costs. I once worked at a Pet Store where we created a hideaway under a fort of dog beds in the rafters to; grab a quick nap, play cards, stake out women and avoid work all together (this is all completely true.) The last thing you want is to get caught avoiding work by your supervisor, so a clever company called Studio Banana Things invented this head pillow to grab a power nap at ease. Plus if management comes sneaking around they might assume you have killed yourself and will let you be.

Who I Am In Love With This Week - Mystery Woman


If I've learned anything from Microsoft Excel it's that women are not turned on by your proficiency at it. Female mating preferences are based on skills and preferential traits that will benefit their offspring. In the past these have been things like; height, strength, proficiency in money acquisition, etc. But now in the age of the computer and technology – the traits that will benefit children are not from jocks they’re from nerds. The richest, most powerful men are no longer the biggest and strongest they’re the smartest and most innovative. At some point in the future; programming languages will outweigh mating calls, typing speed will overcast 40 yard dash speeds and mates will not be selected on the size of their biceps but by the size of their brain. Sadly – this shift in nature will happen far too late to directly benefit me. At least my children will grow up in a better world.

The technological advances are not specific just to men, though there is a disproportionate and concerning amount of males in the computer science field. There are few things hotter than a girl speaking code. That’s why this week I am in love with the hot girl in the VW with the vanity license plate of a very specific Excel function (I won’t list it specifically for her privacy). That’s the odd paradox in this age of leaked privacy is that people share every piece of information about themselves on Facebook and other social media sites, except their license plate numbers. You are making it very hard to find you. Not impossible, but harder. Maybe it’s like a puzzle to prove a potential mate’s worth. Well played mystery women. Well played.

Designing Women - Part XXXIII


Women do lots of things together; they work out together, they go to the bathroom together and sometimes they sleep together (they are called lesbians.) Womankind is built on the buddy system. Why do something solo when you can have someone to relay catty remarks to? I have lots of female friends who open up to me, but somehow I cannot break through to full scale girl talk. I don’t know that I could add anything to girl talk, but I could certainly girl listen. This entire Designing Women series is one guy trying to figure out what any single woman could probably describe if only girl talk was as easy to get into as the friend zone.

I can’t blame women for not wanting to open up to a guy let alone when there are multiple guys. Luckily it’s not just my own imagination running wild. According to a new study women speak less in general when they are outnumbered by men. Not just no girl talk, but no talk at all. I have seen this happen before as a defense strategy for men. If their spouse is upset, they just invite the guys over to watch the game and drink beers and she will keep silent. Until the ratio switches back to her favor in which case girl talk goes to girl scream.

Fashion The Pan - Part XV

A company in Japan has invented this tail that connects to your brain and reacts to your emotion. It’s like a mood ring, but for your butt. Here’s the thing – I cannot tell what a tail wag means now, “Are you hungry? You need to go outside? You pooped in my shoe? What do you want?” If all reactions are contained within the dog tail, it makes sense that it’s where dogs naturally go when meeting another dog.  It’s their, “How are you doing?” except they actually absorb the reaction from the other dog.

The interesting thing about this tail is that it connects with social media to express your geographic reactions. Basically it replaces the facebook “like” function with tail wags. In the video it shows that there is a “confused” icon. This probably throws off the results considering every time two of these people get together it triggers that reaction.

Designing Women - Part XXXII


Whenever I see a montage in a movie or television of a women fantasizing about men (which is like all the time) – it’s usually hot sweaty guys working in a steel mill or fighting fires or something. This can’t be true, can it? Firstly – those are some pretty low paying jobs. From my understanding women want men to make lots of money. Nextly – they’re usually in tattered work clothes covered in dirt and grime. I thought women liked a clean shaved man in a suit (preferably also in a BMW.) Lastly – these dudes tend to be super greasy and sweaty. Is that really a turn on? Sweat? If this is all believed to be true how come the sweaty guy in the low paying office job who always wears the same shirt to work isn’t every woman’s fantasy?

I never understood the sweat thing, but apparently this isn’t a huge concern. According to a new study, “sexual arousal in women temporarily reduces the disgust eliciting properties of sexual stimuli and weakens the hesitation to actually approach these stimuli. Due to this effect, women are able to experience body odors, sweat and semen as pleasant during sexual engagement, which in a non-sexual aroused state probably would elicit disgust.” To quote David Cross, “I’ll ask out a hundred women, maybe get 99 ‘no’s, but maybe that hundredth chick likes to fuck on a pile of trash.” Now we know why.

Who I Am In Love With This Week - Lauren Ambrose


If you’re a comic and you decide to dress up for a show or get a nice haircut or shower (if you normally don’t) be prepared to hear about it from every other comic all night. Why? Because most comics are jealous jerks. This is why we can’t have nice things. It just looks like you are showing off. No one wants to hear about how much money you have or how awesome your job is – it just looks like you are rubbing it in everyone’s face. And don’t even think about bringing a date or someone you just met to a show. The onslaught of misguided attention they will receive will be overwhelming.

It’s tough to date when you’re a comic. You are rarely available at night, you are constantly dealing with terrible shows and then there’s whatever is wrong with us that drives us to be comics. That’s why you really have to give it up for women who stick around with comics. Over the weekend I watched Mike Birbiglia’s fantastic film Sleepwalk With Me. His girlfriend who stuck by his side (at least in the beginning) of his attempt at stand up is Lauren Ambrose. I was familiar with her from Six Feet Under, but something about someone being patient enough to sit through all a comic’s bullshit is irresistible. Of course this is fiction, but she did have to hang around with Birbiglia during the filming and that’s enough for me to love her – at least for this week.

Designing Women - Part XXXI


I am offended by the magazines in the checkout lines at the grocery store. I keep seeing the “Celebrities Without Make-up” gross out edition. I am not offended because it's unflattering, I am offended because they assume women need to be on the top of their game all the time. Of course Nicole Kidman doesn’t look like a movie star when she’s walking her child at 6 in the morning. Why are you expectations of these women so high? And you know men? We never wear make-up; we look like this all the time. I also see the ones like, “Nerdy Celebrity High School Photos” edition. Of course Tina Fey looked nerdy when she was 16. She was in high school. That would be a way creepier edition if it was “Top 10 sexiest celebrity sophomores.”

All these magazines in the checkout line just give women negative self images. They might as well put weight loss drinks right next to them as cross-promotion and build a place to reallocate the potato chips they were going to buy, but are no longer going to. You could say these magazines hurt sales, because people opt to not buy those chips, but chips are way cheaper than diet shakes. It’s cheap to get fat - it’s expensive to stay thin.

If you’ve ever watched any comedy special from the 80s, you know the, “ways to get your man’s attention/ways to please your man” magazines have been widely documented as bullshit. All these articles written by women are fiction. We are much easier to please than you think. Most of these articles are written by women who have over thought the subject. If you actually believe these articles to be gospel, you have bigger problems than pleasing your man.

You can say that women aren’t actually affected by these magazines, but they totally are. According to a new study, “women who read sex-related magazine articles from popular women’s magazines like Cosmopolitan are less likely to view premarital sex as a risky behavior. Additionally, the women who are exposed to these articles are more supportive of sexual behavior that both empowers women and prioritizes their own sexual pleasure.” Okay. Maybe there is some benefit to these magazines. I get it now. These magazines are as much for men as it is for women. Though I do think there should be positive self-affirming magazines in existence. Take for example my faux-magazine Cougar Beat.

Brandon Breaks Records- K-Tel Breakdance


I recently purchased a K-Tel - Learn to Breakdance LP which was released in the mid-eighties. Inside was an instruction How-To-Breakdance poster along with a glossary of breakdance terms that you should familiarize yourself with. I scanned the terms for your convenience.

Fashion The Pan - Part XIV


I hate Emo. If you don’t know - the term is short for “emotional”. Somehow it got tacked onto a form of music. Here’s the thing - music is supposed to be emotional; it’s supposed to come from somewhere deep. If it doesn’t, it’s just The Black Eye Peas. The type of music that got associated with Emo was a reaction to the consistent rejection of a certain woman, or all women, expressed through the art of whiny song. Like all forms of music, a formula was created and it got mass produced and shoved down America’s throat like Coke until the point of oversaturation.

Emo began as a form of music, but quickly evolved into fashion. Corporations didn’t want to just make records for you to cry to; they wanted to make clothing for you to cry into. Eyeliner, black hair dye and Kleenex doubled their customer base overnight (a feat not seen since the Glam days.) Overtime people could tell you were sad before you even opened your mouth to let out a sad whimper through your quivering lips.

Then something odd happened. There began to be Emo girls. This is the cruel irony. Emo was a “no girls” allowed club and then they started just inviting themselves in. These sad dudes had finally found acceptance in a group only to have it infiltrated by the exact people who rejected them. How cruel. It’s like they came in and started correcting the grammar in their diaries. These girls bought the Emo records, went to the Emo shows and cursed the muse’s name only to turn around and become those exact girls. After a while the music became like a training program on how to emasculate classmates.

Lately Emo has lost its hold on society, retiring itself to its parent’s dark basement. I thought the wave has ebbed, until I saw this jacket by designer Si Chan. It’s for the sad guy who just needs a hug. First off, it looks like the coat hangers in Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. Next, the hands go all the way up to your neck; it looks like you are being strangled. I really hope they continue down, so they can give you a hand job when you’re feeling down. Finally, it costs $1200.00. Now you can be sad and broke. Now you really have something to be Emo about. I can’t wait until they make the girls version.

Brandon Spoils Movies - Howard The Duck


Science moves pretty fast. Accepted theories are disproven on a regular basis, so it would be hard to attack an article or book written in the past based on the conventional wisdom of the time. However, it’s totally acceptable to attack a movie, made years after the founding principles, that bumbles the foundation so much in order to create a leap of faith for the viewers, but in turn leave the audience with a sense of cognitive dissonance. String theory came into formation in the late 60s and early 70s and the assumptions were generally accepted. Howard the Duck came out in 1986 and was not accepted by anyone. Part of the reason has to be the failed attempt at explaining the origin through a loose understanding of string theory, physics and humor.

In string theory, it’s believed that there’s an alternative universe where all the actions you didn’t take are played out. If you’ve ever seen the show Sliders, it’s like that.  If you haven’t, think of it this way – I watched Howard The Duck yesterday - in an alternate universe I chose not to watch Howard The Duck and that version of me is much, much better off. Howard The Duck is based on the notion that in an alternate universe higher intelligence evolved through ducks rather than apes. I am fine with this, but here’s the problem; all other events after that fork in the road would have to follow that course. The Duck/Man would not have an exact reality as Ape/Man except with way more duck puns. For one, we would probably be more water based, we would have lost a significant amount of feathers (as we did with hair) and we wouldn’t speak English – not because it’s improbable that language evolved the same, but because ducks don’t have lips!

Here’s the problem, they set up that this is an alternate universe, but actually he came from a different planet where we assume everything was identical (and don’t get me started on how two moons rather than one would have affected the outcome of the primordial soup.) They couldn’t stick with one theory and everything gets all convoluted. Actually that explains the majority of the problems with the movie. There is too much going on, they can’t stick to a linear story line, they tried to cram in demons and car chases and a bunch of other shit that could have worked better in a sequel if anyone were ever dumb enough to live in that alternate reality where it happened. And the acting. Oh the acting. The emotionless furbie-like head they used for Howard had a wider range than the cast. But you can kind of tell by the middle even the cast knew they were contractually obligated to phone it in (with the exception of Jeffery Jones who went way too over the top – although his character may have been the genesis for some of the mannerisms of his later collaborator Beetlejuice.)

I could write a whole dissertation on the wormholes in this plot, but instead I will just make stray observations and find a new universe where this doesn’t exist. Leah Thompson is in the least punk band ever, yet somehow within a short period after Howard takes over management they’re like the biggest band ever. He must be quick a duck (oh – I mean dick.) The Dark Overlord who inhabits Jeffery Jones body wants to use the laser to transport other Overlords to earth. Why would you want a bunch of overlords? Wouldn’t they just keep trying to overthrow each other? And while we are talking about the laser, why is Howard so concerned about destroying it? It’s the government. Don’t you think they would have been smart enough to build two (or have the Japanese build one like in Contact?)

Brandon Spoils Movies - Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot


Some films are better when you rewatch them. Some get worse. Others maintain their neutrality and mehness so fervently you wonder why you’re watching it in the first place. Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot fits into the latter category. It’s so forgettable; I am surprised I remembered it existed. After rewatching it I can report that it’s not a bad movie - it holds together inexplicably well. In fact, from a continuity perspective it is challenging to make fun of it in my usual fashion. But don’t let me talk you into thinking it’s a good movie, because it isn’t. SOMMWS is about momma’s boy Sylvester Stallone who gets a visit from his mommy and she witnesses a murder and has to hang around with him until it’s solved. Yup, that’s the whole movie in one sentence. It’s pretty easy to keep continuity when you don’t run out of breath explaining it. So instead of widening plot holes and highlighting errors I am going to address 80s cinema through the scope of SOMMWS.

Sylvester Stallone plays a cop. Shocking, I know. The 80s saturated the market with so many typecast actors that sometimes you didn’t know where one movie ended and the next one started. And what’s more difficult is that the roles were too ambiguous. Take SOMMWS. Was Stallone a Detective or a Negotiator or a PI or Street Cop or in Homicide? He did a little of each during the movie while acting poorly in each role. Stallone really isn’t a good actor unless he is shooting or punching something. It also helps if all his lines are screams. There’s a lot of cliché dialogue and action sequences including the close-up of someone blowing the smoke from their gun. If you really wanted to be hardcore, you wouldn’t blow it away, you would inhale it.

The 80s also loved old people (see *Batteries Not Included , Cocoon, Throw Momma From The Train, etc.) So it’s no surprise that the sidekick in this movie was Estelle Getty. Apparently Getty died in 2008, but I like to think she shrunk into non-existence. She adds some comic relief to the movie and basically creates the characters for Everybody Love Raymond. Then there are the villains. The villains in 80s movies didn’t need to be particularly scary. They just had to put a corporate exec in a suit and hope the audience catches their evil through shifty squinted eyes. This movie has some of the most bumbling, worthless criminals. It would have actually been more interesting watching Stallone fight Getty.

The creative department in the 80s must have just had head shots of famous actors taped to the wall and two darts and whichever two actors were in punctured by the dart had to act in a movie together and the premise would be based on their difference. “Throw the dart”. Getty and Stallone. “We’ll make a Son / Mom Cop movie where they have to solve a murder”. DeVito and Schwarzenegger. “We’ll make a Fat Guy / Tough Guy movie where they have to solve a murder.” Hoskins and a Cartoon. “We’ll make a Cop / Cartoon movie where they have to solve a murder.” Weller and a Robot. “We’ll make a Cop / Robot movie where they have to solve a murder.” Are you getting the formula yet?

Fashion The Pan - Part XIII


Sex sells, but so does controversy (thus explaining why Prince would be the best spokesperson for anything.) Why else would Urban Outfitters and Abercrombie & Fitch release questionable content every year right before back-to-school shopping? It’s to remind the kids they exist and they’re edgy. “You’re a rebellious teen and you want to stick it to your parents, right? Well us too. Show them you’re not going to succumb to their tyranny with this pro-underage alcohol usage shirt from Urban outfitters!” says the 45 year old, father or three marketing exec, with a pony tail and a Lexus. It’s a marketing scheme. The small amount of bad press and lost sales are outweighed by the name recognition and free advertising.

That said - not all market tested controversy should be allowed. I introduce you to Rajesh Shah, co-owner of the clothing store Hitler. Shah was surprised that his store was catching flack because of its naming claiming that, “the store was named after his business partner's grandfather who was nicknamed Hitler ‘because of his strict nature.’” He goes on to say, “’Frankly, till the time we applied for the trademark permission, I had only heard that Hitler was a strict man. It was only recently that we read about Hitler on the internet.’” BULLSHIT! He claimed to not know about Hitler yet he used the swastika in the store’s sign! Congrats for taking the thiny veiled racism employed by Urban Outfitters and Abercrombie and using full fledged racism to sell your crappy products. And they’re not even selling Nazi swag they’re selling the same mass produced ironic tees that every other store in the world hocks (but under a less recognizable name). Let me say, screw you and screw your company. I hope it goes out of business, but I doubt it will because here we are talking about him.

Living Situation Episode 2


The second episode of Living Situation (the other podcast I do) is now available on Itunes or here (right click and save). I put so much time into it, so please check it out and subscribe. 

Fashion The Pan - Part XII


School is back just in time for back-to-school shopping and the annual public outcry of Urban Outfitters T-Shirts. This time Urban Outfitters has avoided racial stereotyping (because that’s soooo last season) and has instead turned it mass produced irony to alcohol consumption. I don’t know anyone of legal drinking age that shops at Urban Outfitters, so I assume everyone is so upset, because it’s like Joe Camel marketing directly to kids. Except in this scenario Joe Camel is kind of like a creepy underachieving drunk uncle with quotes like, “Misery Loves Alcohol” and “I Drink You’re Cute.” Are kids really this miserable this early in life that they need shirts to express their angst? Normally this kind of self-loathing and depression only settles in after years of middle-management and divorce (or one plus years into stand-up comedy.)

I am not upset so much that kids are drinking earlier; I am upset as an adult who takes drinking seriously. It’s like a slap in the face to insult the years of drinking perfection that I have crafted into a cheap throw-away slogan. While I can’t say these slogans are inaccurate, I can say these kids haven’t earned the right to wear them yet. It would be like a high school gymnast wearing an Olympic uniform. You didn’t earn that. You didn’t put in the time and struggles to proudly wear that. It’s the craze with these ironic tees that sell. In the past it was awesome if you had a vintage 1980s star wars shirt. Now they mass produce them and take the cool out of it. Maybe this is actually an anti-drinking campaign, because no hip kids wants to be associated with something any loser off the street can do. And if you’ve been on the streets, lots of losers drink.

Designing Women - Part XXX


When is Animal Planet going to start airing dating shows? I mean those shows where guys prey on women in bars (see: The Pick-up Artist) is identical to watching a cheetah take down an antelope in the wild. Its human beings at their most primordial. The only difference is in the wild when a cheetah is enjoying its reward for a successful hunt, it doesn’t have to explain his intentions to all the other antelope that come around to belittle him. It also doesn’t have to give the antelope cab money.  

I never understood why insulting a girl when you meet her actually increases your likelihood of hooking up with them. I have heard this many times and most “pick-up” books/classes suggest some playful shitting on. I assumed it was to prove that you’re an asshole, because women love assholes, but according to a new study its a little more complex. Women who feel socially excluded tend to engage in more short term mating (ie. one night stands) than long term relationships. So if you’re going to pick on someone pick on someone sitting alone, looking sad and isolated. I guess that demeaning them lowers their standards enough to hook up with you. Doesn’t beer do the same thing? This is why I love beer – all the satisfaction without any of the sarcasm.


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