Brandon Fisher, CJ Kirkwood & Faizan

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LYGO

LYGO

Rich Bennett from episode 77 runs a DC area Comedy site called LYGO (Laughs Your Grits Off) and he interviewed CJ and I. You can find it here

The Renaissance

blech

As mentioned in episode 84 – Blechman has revolutionized the ebay game by selling used socks. Here are some choice pictures.

Graph Search

GraphSearch

Facebook recently introduced a new refined search feature that lets you filter deeper by cascading variables. It’s Stalking 2.0.

To me: this just allows the user to get Catfished easier.  Just look at the default picture. The kid is probably a pro Catfish lure.

Speaking of the default image – isn’t it weird to anyone that the default search result is a young boy? Seems like “To Catch A Predator” just found a new way to find stock imagery.

Not only is he a young boy – he is a young, white, blonde, fisher boy who looks just like I did when I was younger. Does no one else find it concerning that I am the default search terms? Please don’t stalk me.

Designing Women - Part XXXX

eyelash

Here are the eyelash jewelry options I discussed in episode 83. If you haven’t heard the episode, here is my argument: Back in the late 90s / early 00s there were a lot of girls getting their tongue pierced. The origin of the tongue piercing is older than the rave scene and it’s associated more with sexual technique than annoying people with your clicking noises during class and having it stuck out in every photo. The tongue is a muscle that like any other muscle can be strengthen by lifting weights (ever wonder what the tongue piercing are shaped like barbells?) Once strengthened the tongue was able to pummel meat like Rocky in the meat freezer.

My concern here is that these girls are going to over strengthen their eyelids. They’re going to be flapping at you like butterfly wings, throwing off tons of mixed signals. You will think they’re batting their eyes at your, but they are really bruising their brow and whipping their cheeks like an unbroken steed (also a reference from the episode.) You know when you work out and get muscles? (I am asking you since I don’t know.) Then you stop and the muscle turns to fat? Picture Arnold Schwarzenegger’s loose skin draped over someone’s eyes. Not a pleasant thought. And Maria Shriver lived it for years. And if years of saggy lids don’t sway you – let me remind you of this – we don’t care. You are beautiful without the accessories. I have never met a women and thought, “I would hook up with her, but those short eyelashes are too unappealing. Now what will I blow when I need to make a wish? Probably a genie.”

Coming Up

Here's a thing I was in.

 

Designing Women - Part XXXIX

vanessa

I spend as little time as possible in the bathroom. It’s strictly utilitarian for me. I don’t know why people insist that its a little vacation. I see people; lingering, lounging, conversing, eating…that’s right…I have been in the same bathroom as someone eating chips on the toilet (thus creating a visual representation of the process of digestion.) Then someone walked in a started brushing their teeth prompting me to vocally respond, “please don’t brush your teeth in here, people are trying to eat.”

The other day I saw a short hair on the toilet seat at work. This means one of two things occurred; someone decided to get a closer look at their deposit and an eye lash fell daintily onto the seat or someone shaves their pubes, but has gotten very lazy. Neither option is preferable, it’s just an example that people are gross. I understand it’s a rest room, but there’s no need to live out your most disgusting personal fantasy in the confines of their stall. Like peeing on the goddamn seat instead of lifting the seat or using one of the widely available urinals. No one wants to sit in your pee, you weirdo. So we have to either clean up after you, like an infant or hover like a woman. I clean, because I am too uncoordinated and off balance to navigate a successful on target deposit.

As much as you don’t want to believe it, women are just as foul as men. I have lived with them, thus shattering any preconceived belief in their ability to retain all nutrients and vitamins from food with no refuse. According to a study¹, upwards of 98% of women hover over the seat as opposed to sitting directly (and comfortably.) I understand if you live with a guy and don’t want to sit in pee, but isn’t this creating a vicious cycle whereby they can’t accurately hit target and the next women into the stall has to hover to avoid any direct flash to pee contact? I think we as a society have proved we aren’t responsible enough to have modern sewage systems. Back to holes in the ground we go.

 

¹ “Crouching Over the Toilet Seat; Prevalence Among British Gynaecological Outpatients and its Effect Upon Micturition” by K.H. Moore et al, published in the British Journal of Obstetrics and Gynaecology in 1991

Comedic Intent Best Of 2012

bestof2012

Compiling 50 episodes and 40+ guests here is the best of the Comedic Intent Podcast 2012!

Living Situation Episode 6

LS6

Living Situation Episode 6 is now available on itunes or here (right click / save.) The cast really crushes it on this one. Thanks to Alexis Turrentine, Jennifer Crawford and David Blechman.

Back in 2013

baback

I am away on vacation for a while. There will be a new episode this Sunday the 23rd and then the best of 2012 on the 30th. See you in 2013.

Best Of 2012

2012MIX

Just like last year, I am posting my year-end music mix. Feel free to print it out, buy all the mp3s and make your own.

Top 10 - Online Dating

onlinedating

As a fan of top 10 lists, I'm starting a new thread where I list things in order. I don't have to explain this to you. You know how lists work. This week I list the Top 10 ways I would like to meet a lady.

Brandon Spoils Movies - Love Actually

loveactually

Normally I reserve these posts to make catty comments about cheesy 80s movies or cheesy comments on catty 80s movies (see: Cat’s Eye), but this week, since the holidays are approaching, I am commenting on the only holiday movie I enjoy, Love Actually. While not a Christmas movie, actually, it happens around and mentions Christmas a number of times, so that’s good enough in my book (or post). Why do I find myself watching this movie every year? Because I am an adult who makes his own decisions. Also, there are boobs in this movie, did you know that? Boobs. And not gross fake boobs or old person boobs. Nice holiday boobs.

There are way too many characters and plot lines to summarize here, so I was I will just address stray comments that sadly fell unheard, since I live alone. The aforementioned boobs come in the form of Joanna Page and Laura Linney (listed in order of quality.) Page is an actor stand-in who along with Martin Freeman reveal their character and bodies over time while letting the creepy lighting guys look on. Had I known this was a viable career path, I would have switched majors in college. Furthermore, in reality they are actors, which means there were actual actor stand-ins for them who also got progressively more naked. I wonder if they also feel in love. It could have been a Christmas miracle, actually. Linney has to choose between the love for her far-superior coworker (in terms of; looks, body shape, career advancement, desirability, sit-up crunch ability, etc) and the love of her mentally disabled brother. Ultimately she chooses her brother, because blood is thicker than abs, but not after whipping out her stocking stuffers for him. Merry Christmas, I got you blue balls, actually.

Liam Neeson plays the husband of a recently deceased mother of a foppy haired scamp. Why is Neeson’s wife deceased or in danger in every movie? Liam, at some point you have to realize it’s you, actually. The bed-head prone scamp falls for a fellow student and decides to learn to drum to win her affection. He magically learns drums within a month (and is fortunate that the school decided not to hold auditions prior to one week before opening) and woos her only to follow her, like a stalker, through the airport escaping much needed security to bomb her with affection. Given that the movie opens with a reference to 9-11 you would think they would have beefed up the airport security in that scene. His plan succeeds with little to no TSA pat-downs and he gets the girl, actually.

Three British mainstays; Alan Rickman, Colin Firth, and Hugh Grant, are written in, because of course they are. The American viewing audience would be confused by the accents unless they dribble emotionlessly out of those familiar faces. One is a cheater, one gets cheated on and the other cheats on Elizabeth Hurley with a fucking skeezy prostitute. Really? Really? Actually? Their counterparts are; Emma Thompson, Lúcia Moniz and Divine Brown respectively (except not so respectively for the latter.) In my opinion they could have all done better, actually.

So many other people. Rick from The Walking Dead, plays a very un-Rick pansy who would have been victim #1 in the zombie apocalypse. Keira Knightley is portrayed by a science class skeleton. Mr. Bean talks, for some reason. Billy Bob Thorton is an asshole. Elisha Cuthbert, Shannon Elizabeth and Betty Draper are whores. Everyone has a male black friend and yet no one has a female black friend. And finally, Bill Nighy plays what could go down and the best character in cinematic history. Seriously the best. Why couldn’t the whole movie have been about him, actually?

Fashion The Pan - Part XXII

goldpills

Rich people think their shit doesn’t stink. Actually, maybe it doesn't, I've never tested that theory. Oh well - at least now it can also shine. These people [sic] decided to make gold pills that you can swallow and actually poop gold flakes. Wouldn’t it make more sense to make toilet paper pills, so you wouldn’t have to wipe? It would be amusing to just feed them hay and turn them into an urban Rumpelstiltskin. Like a golden goose or a golden geezer.

What an ultimate fuck you to poor people. I hope they shit right on a homeless person’s doorstep. And by that I mean cardboard flap. At least that way they could bedpan for gold. Actually this post should actually be called Flash in the Bedpan. These people aren’t what they eat - they are what they eat after a couple hours - pieces of shit. Hey - at least now you know what to get the person who has everything for Christmas (except gold shit.) Happy Holidays.

Designing Women - Part XXXVIII

carrotstick

It’s the age old dilemma. Women want to play hard to get. Men want to get hard. And we can’t get along.  Men and women are different, am I right? Hey. Where are you going?

Thanks for continuing to read. According to a new study, “Playing hard to get might be one way that people – women in particular – can test their prospective mate's commitment and to manipulate their prospective mates to obtain what – or whom – they want.” Also in the study, “’no shit’, said everyone.“ The more unavailable someone is the more people are willing to invest in them (except for hookers.) It’s like dating hide and seek, except no one ever wins. Women want you to chase after them, but then there’s a good possibility they will run off and call the cops. It’s all so confusing. There’s such a thin line between dating and stalking.

Cuddliest of the Year

stav

Congratulations to our buddy Stavros Halkias for winning Baltimore’s New Comedian of the Year competition. Listen to our episode with him here before he got all pretentious and ego maniacal.

Follow him on twitter at @StavComedy

Or like him on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/StavComedy

Or don’t. Do whatever you want.

Fashion The Pan - Part XXI

catdress

I have discussed my displeasure with animal prints on here before, so I won’t rehash my talking points, but I think it’s important for women to participate further in the discussion. Take a look at these cat dresses that are available for sale now (no indication they are actually being purchased, but the knowledge of their existence alone requires me to step up and address the mater.) It’s one thing to look like you wearing an animal's skin like a socialite Buffalo Bill, but it’s another thing to look like the front half of a two-part Halloween costume (Sadly there is someone out there who has to wear the cat’s ass.)

We get that you like cats. You have many. They try to trip us as we walk, lick our face with their butthole stained tongues and try to steal out souls as we sleep. We have accepted this as a penalty for trying to hook up with you. But, let me make it clear. We don’t like your cat. We don’t want them sleeping between us. We don’t want them in your facebook photo album. We don’t want to see them at all. So why would you want to look like one?? More importantly…

When did it become okay to be a crazy cat lady? Wasn’t this once frowned upon as the consequence for being an undatable, socially awkward spinster? Now we have entire days devoted to these people? Caturdays are Mother’s Day for the motherless. It should be renamed Barren’s Day. People used to hide their cat fascination now there are cats in bread and women in cats. This has to stop. I am not suggesting euthanasia. Just spay and neuter these people to prevent further offspring. Oh, who am I kidding? No one would sleep with someone in a cat dress.

Living Situation Episode 5

ls5

The fifth episode of my other podcast Living Situation is now available. You can right click and download here or through Itunes.

 

Who I Am In Love With This Week - S E Cupp

secupp

Opposites attract. That’s why I like women. It’s like the saying goes, “Men are from mars and women are fucking crazy.” Everyone has their own level of craziness. The ability to love is the ability to learn to tolerate someone’s level of craziness on a consistent basis. I’ve dated all kinds. From the medically crazy to the functional. And boy, do I have stories (see: all other blog posts on this site.) My parents want me to settle down with a nice, normal young lady, but were would be the fun or conversation in that?

I am not confrontational, but I welcome an informed, intelligent discussion with a rational open minded person. This is why I choose not to debate with Republicans. No dialogue between a Democrat and Republican has ever convinced someone to switch parties affiliation the same way gays guys can’t turn a straight man gay for a night (if they do – they were gay to begin with – and I am not, so please stop trying). I bet the enraged discussion has caused some heat in the bedroom though. Since my bed could use some thawing, this week I am in love with S E Cupp. She is the co-host of The Cycle on CSNBC and is Republican, crazy. She is also however extremely intelligent, charismatic and without reproach. Oh and hot. Put that first. I’m pretty sure we would argue and fight like any couple given our differences, but that’s what would make our bond stronger. And sexier. And sassier. I could really use some of that sass to tone down my mom starts when she starts acting up.

Jamel

Jamel

A quick meme CJ created over the weekend with friend of the podcast Jamel Johnson

Designing Women - Part XXXVII

56

I feel bad for Paula Broadwell in the whole Petraeus scandal. She was his mistress and biographer of “All In”. Have you ever read a biography? They’re boring as shit. And that’s the edited version. She had to hear all his boring stories for days on end and still slept with him? That’s an American hero right there. I also feel bad, because the best chapter in her book hasn’t even been written yet. She should just leave some pages blank in the back of “All In” and write in updates as they come like how she thought he would enter from the front, but flanked her and entered through the rear. You have to ask yourself – what were they thinking?

According to a new study people think differently when in love than when having sex. “It suggests that when in love, people typically focus on a long-term perspective, which should enhance holistic thinking and thereby creative thought, whereas when experiencing sexual encounters, they focus on the present and on concrete details enhancing analytic thinking.” This makes total sense. If you are having sex with your mistress you focus on how much it’s going to cost now (some semen - maybe some missed meetings), but when you’re in love you have to worry about how much that mistress will cost you long term (bribes, abortions, divorce settlements, your job, etc.) Take for example the lie you need to create momentarily to explain where you were and what you did. Now look at the interlocking webs of lies you need to establish long term to cover your tracks. This is something not considered by Petraeus during his scandal. He is considered to be the creative strategic military mastermind of our generation. Clearly it’s because he was giving constant friendly fire. It also explains why we can operate on a day-to-day basis in Afghanistan, but have no long term strategy.

Brandon Spoils Movies - Adventures In Babysitting

AIB

Being a teenager every day can seem like the beginning or the end of the world. Everything is heightened and magnified to the “nth” degree. The 80s really nailed the “a lot can happen in one day” genre between; Ferris Bueller, Sixteen Candles, Breakfast Club…okay pretty much every John Hughes movie. One of the non-Hughes in this genre was “Adventures In Babysitting.” Following in the formula of one life threatening climax to the next - this film stars Elisabeth Shue who gets stood-up on a date and accepts an offer to babysit a neighbors child only to go through a chutes-and-ladders game of adventure being chased by criminals who have nothing better to do with their night in order to save the lives of children who, she barely knows, but relies on for money.

There’s too many sequences to address in one post, so let’s just hit some high level observations. Shue is asked to watch a young girl of undescribed age, but her older brother, a freshman in high school is also there. Why isn’t the brother just asked to babysit? Would have saved money and 2 hours of my life. And at this young of an age, why was no one stopping this girl to call out the very noticeable Playboy magazine in her backback? I also think the fascination of hers with Thor was lost in her not hitting anyone with her hammer. I also wonder if she is the young girl who pops up at the end of The Avengers. Makes sense.

I have to pause and talk about the actor age vs the character age in this movie. This is nowhere as huge a discrepancy as, say 90210, when Luke Perry was playing a teenager, but was actually 74, but it’s pretty noticeable Elisabeth Shue was not 17. In fact she was 24 at this point. What’s an even huger leap in logic is her boy friend Bradley “So Cool” Whitford who was 28 at this point. We can get some actually teenagers people, it’s not like you are working with animals and need to put peanut butter in their mouth to make it appear as though they were talking (little known fact - this is how the got Ashton Kutcher to appear in Valentines Days. He was in fact asleep the whole time.)

Anyways. Having been in love with babysitters in my youth, I can totally relate to the teenage boy’s character - even more so given the fact that he doesn’t get the girl in the end. He risks his life and pays her countless compliments and she still ends up hooking up with the frat guy she met for like ten minutes. Story of my life. I don’t feel so bad considering that this is the precursor to her ruining her life and ending up a hooker in Leaving Las Vegas.

 

Fashion The Pan - Part XX

jeanshoes

Pockets in girl’s jeans are pretty pointless. Sometimes they’re entirely fake and even the real ones are too thin and shallow to get anything in. They’re like that little crack between the car seat that you really want to squeeze your finger into but you just can’t. The problem is that as a guy I end up getting stuck with whatever won’t fit. Boyfriends are basically caravans – or caramans. See what I did there? We have to carry whatever is too light or too heavy. We put the man in manual labor.

Please see these things available here. Now – I have heard of sagging pants, but this is a little extreme. Girls really never got into the sagging pants game, and for good reason, but these shoes are ridiculous. They are the female equivalent of a guy in a jean jacket. And they even have little pockets to add to the list of potential options for storage that will remain unfilled. Did you correctly count all the vaginal innuendos in the post? Bet you didn’t.

Designing Women - Part XXXVI

workout

True story: I once bought a girlfriend a “dummy’s guide to dating” book as a present, because she was such a shitty girlfriend and I was clearly a model boyfriend. You really can’t point out your significant others dysfunctions to them. You either have to learn to live with them or get out. I have heard plenty of stories of boyfriends’ feeble attempts to passive aggressively hint to their girlfriends that they are getting fat. Ladies, here’s are some hints if your boyfriend thinks you are getting to heavy: Anytime the term “we” is associated with working out. That’s a bad sign. Constant groaning when you order your food. Also bad. When they buy you running shoes. Very bad. Long, expressionless staring at photos of you when you started dating. Critical mass.

I believe in honesty and being supportive. I am not an asshole boyfriend (…anymore. I am aware of the story to start this post.) Your girlfriends’ friends are assholes though. For lots of reasons, but according to a new study their persistent emphasis on body image is giving your girlfriend low self esteem. According to the study, “They found that the more women felt under pressure to be thin, the more likely they were to have body image concerns, irrespective of their actual weight and shape. Interestingly, body talk between friends that focused on exercise was related to lower body dissatisfaction.” I’ve heard of guys meeting women at the gym. Now guys can meet women at the gym to introduce to their women. 

Living Situation Episode 4

LS4

 

The fourth episode of my other podcast Living Situation is now available. You can right click and download here or through Itunes.

 

Happy Halloween

gingerbreadman

Happy Halloween. Now let’s talk about this three-pack of The Gingerbread Man I found at 7-11. First, who is supposed to be the scary one here? The Gingerbread Man or Gary Busey. If this were a dark alley, it would probably be the later. Second, isn’t Gingerbread a Christmas delicacy? Why would this be advertised for Halloween? I knew they started promoting Christmas earlier and earlier each year, but during Halloween seems excessive. Third, why is there a disco ball in the top left? Is there the threat of a Gingerbread dance scene? Even worse, a CGI Gingerbread breakdance scene? The only breakdance I would enjoy is if his head popped off while doing a head spin. On that note, how does Gingerbread Man kill people? I have not seen the movie, but I hope he bites their heads off in retaliation for years family decapitation. Delicious, delicious decapitation. Lastly, $9.99 for 3 movies? I don’t know that I can spare $3.33 for two hours of my life. I will just make Gary Busey’s out of Gingerbread. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention - they made THREE of these fucking things and we have to start petitions for just one Arrested Development movie?

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cip
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