Brandon Fisher, CJ Kirkwood & Faizan


Brandon Spoils Movies - Ghostbusters


This week I watched the beloved Ghostbusters. It’s one of the few movies whose title literally describes the whole movie (also see How Stella Got Her Groove Back.) Ghostbusters is the number 1 ranked horror comedy of all time. I get the comedy moniker, but horror? Not really. Even as kid watching this it was far from frightening. Part of the reason was the ghosts are about as scary as Casper. Take a look at Slimmer. What animal or creature was Slimmer before he died? The body and mouth certainly aren’t the shape of a human – okay maybe the shape of Minnie Driver. He was so unthreatening that in the cartoon he was even their buddy. Hell, I remember drinking Ecto Cooler Hi-C with Slimmer right on the box (because who doesn’t quench their thirst with thoughts of slime?)

Then there’s the Sumerian God/Villian named Gozer the Gozerian. In the movie Gozer was at one point a woman (not scary) and the Stay Puft Marshmallow man (slightly more scary than a woman, but only in height not in sassiness.) Gozer was killed not by a direct hit, but only after his door was destroyed. He must have really loved that door. Then there are Gozer’s helpers; Rick Moranis as the Key Master and Sigourney Weaver as the Gate Keeper - who get turned into devil dogs that looked like claymation turds. Question: If Weaver was able to kill aliens – why was so afraid of ghosts? And why if they were turned into evil - why was Weaver so bad (really it was just her with additional make-up), but Moranis was still a nerd? Come on – the Key Master was a nerd? Just like a typical nerd – he has all the equipment, but doesn’t know how to use it. I will say in his defense though – it was a pretty good way to pick up the girl on your floor you have the hots for by getting possessed. Well played. Now I just have to find a haunted apartment building. It will probably be the one with devil dogs and/or gargoyle statues on the upper levels since those tend to be the indicators.

My major concern with Ghostbusters is this: You know how you hear people say, “I would give it all back for just one more day with my father/mother/whatever”? Let’s say they were walking down the street and the reanimated version of that person was back to life and their wish was finally granted, and they are so excited, and they are going to spend a day together, and they run at each other with open arms and then a Ghostbuster shoots them in the face. Now they’ve had to see that person die twice. What assholes. That’s traumatizing. What if the ghost was a helper ghost like Ghost Dad or Patrick Swayze and someone trapped them in a little box before they could complete their quest. These ghosts are in purgatory. They clearly need to complete some act of redemption before passing on into the next life – stop intruding with the netherworld Ghostbusters.

The movie is set in NYC. There is something majorly wrong with NYC. Why is it whenever ooze seeps through the cracks terrible things happen? Turtles become mutants, the dead are reanimated, CHUD babies are born…did I write CHUD I meant Snookis. That is the plot to Ghostbusters 2 (not Snookis revenge, but ooze being the primordial soup for the undead.) I’ve heard Dan Aykroyd spouting that there will be a third Ghostbusters at some point in time. Somehow I doubt that. After 9/11 NYC is pretty secure against villainy – but it would be pretty cool to see them shoot Bin Laden in the face.

Fashion The Pan - Part II


So these exist apparently. Why would you want to look like a pizza? Camouflage against a pizza billboard? Sure. Pizza The Hut costume contest? Maybe. Fashion? Let’s pump the brakes on that one.

I can imagine the only time anyone would buy one would be the same reason most people buy pizza in general – it’s midnight on a weekend and they are hammered and think it would be a great idea. I think the best part about the shirt is if you drop your slice of pizza on your shirt it wouldn’t make a difference. It should be marketed as a stain proof shirt. It should also be labeled as the only pizza you can buy that won’t make you fat, but will resist women all the same.

The shirt comes in pepperoni or vegetable. I would totally buy one if I could get a vegetable without mushrooms. Does it could with a side of a breadstick tote bag? And does it get delivered by the UPS guy or a pizza shirt guy? I hope the later, because I would like to see their pizza car pull up.

Fashion The Pan - Part I


The online company I work for sells apparel goods, so I come across a fair share of new products in the industry. I also shop exclusively online for clothing (unless if comes from a thrift store), so I have my finger on the pulse of the fashion industry – it’s just too bad its flatlining. So I will use this new series to discuss and comment on current trends.

I thought the whole distressed jean thing went away. Before the financial crisis of late 2008 rich people were paying a fortune to look poor. Now some of those people are poor and they can do the work for free. Has this always been the case? I don’t remember seeing paintings of Kings dressed as serfs or Michael Jackson dressed like Jermaine. The only thing I can think of is the philosophy that in order to destroy something you have to do it from the inside. Maybe the rich are trying to look like the poor to destroy them (it would certainly increase their property value.) Maybe instead of walking by a homeless person begging for change they should offer them $900 bucks for their pants. Or they could simply buy these $900 destroyed jeans. Here’s what I don’t get – you have to be dressed up to get into clubs that the rich frequent, so when would these even come into play? I would say to mow the lawn, but they have people that they pay to eat their grass for their amusement. My only hope is that the co-opting of poor people doesn’t stop at fashion. Why not pay $20K for a shopping cart purse? Or $2M for a cardboard box pool house? If the trend continues then the rich will become poor, literally, and we can use their misfortune to forecast new fashion trends.

Brandon Spoils Movies - Honey I Shrunk The Kids


I was reminded this week to watch Honey I Shrunk The Kids, after I watched Who Framed Roger Rabbit , and remembered the beginning showed a Roger Rabbit short. This cross movie promotion was largely dormant after the eighties until the whole Avengers thing happened. I mean you never saw Free Willy hot-dogging it alongside the boat in The Perfect Storm. Though this movie could have used more cross promotion. The son could have been played by Data from the Goonies, Rick Moranis could have revived his role of Louis from Ghostbusters (think about it they were both nerdy guys with odd techno-hats) and the next door neighbor kid could have reprised his role from Big. Isn’t it odd that he appeared in a movie about kids becoming big and kids becoming small? It’s too bad he didn’t appear in a movie about kids growing to become adult movie stars.

Honey I Shrunk The Kids was made right in the golden age of nerd cinema - where a geeky engineer could land a hot wife, nice house and spawn children nerds (See also Revenge of the Nerds or Short Circuit). You know – the era when only boys/men were nerds, because women can’t be smart, right? Right? Men make a lot of mistakes – its nature’s law, like Murphy’s Law but updated for the 80s to be Moranis’ Law. The plot is that struggling engineer Rick Moranis builds a shrinking device in his attic (because where better to have atomic shifting prototypes?) and the machine accidentally shrinks his two children and the two neighbor children. From there the children go on an undersized adventure to regain their size while avoiding oversized vegetation and insects – it’s like Jurassic Park for kids. Just like a typical weak husband Moranis takes blame for shrinking the kids when clearly it was the asshole neighbor kid who did it by hitting his baseball through the window. It took us nerds years to outlive this emasculation, don’t knock us back 20 years, Rick. Stand up for yourself.

Honey I Shrunk The Kids is less a movie about how to survive if you were shrunk to a thousandth of your size and more about why you should not to do certain things. Things I learned you should not do based on Honey I Shrunk The Kids; don’t have an experimental lab in your house (solved – I live in an apartment with no attic), don’t have a lawn, because it will be difficult and dangerous to navigate through (solved – see aforementioned apartment note), be careful what insects to trust (some you can ride like an ant or a bee – some will attack you like the all-common North American scorpion - - really a scorpion - - no one fell for that one Disney) and finally it teaches kids not to go outside, because nature is fucking frightening. No wonder kids are so obese these days. This movie scared them. The morale stay inside and be a nerd, because nature is awful and you could drown in a rain drop.

Box Van


Has anyone actually seen a new box van? I didn’t know they were ever brand new. I just assumed they appeared in an alley like the Terminator. Or came off the assembly line and were beaten with bats on their way to the dealership. This is the kind of nice looking van a kid could really get comfortable in.

Brandon Breaks Records- Barry Polisar


Adult babies are a very real, creepy thing. Besides adult diapers, they even make adult sized cribs now. These people dress and act like babies for attention and/or boobs. But there aren’t enough baby adults. And I don’t mean the Etrade Baby. I mean a newborn – lying down on a tiny couch in a tiny suit, worrying about day care debt and debating why women aren’t more mature at this age. That would be adorable to me. The adult baby is just creepy. Which means there is a definitive age where cute turns to creepy. I think it’s the point where chocolate around the mouth is intentional not accidental.

I should preface – there are plenty of people who wish they were children again. There is no other explanation for dodgeball and kickball leagues springing up all over the place. Twentysomethings these days are living out the opposite dream of the movie "Big". The new movie is called “Little” and it stars every adult under thirty in Northern Virginia. It’s just too bad there isn’t a trade program like having a twelve year old come sit in my office and do my taxes while I swing on the swing set.

This record by Barry Polisar is technically children’s music. It’s odd that there’s children’s music, adult contemporary, tween pop, but no music for the elderly. I guess that would just be phones that ring like their children calling or the sound of a new box of Kleenex being opened. If you think children are easy to please you should meet an old person. You don’t even have to jingle keys in front of them. Just the fact that you made the effort to show up is good enough.


Found this at the Drafthouse on Saturday. It was later identified to be by local comic, philosopher and listmaker Courtney Fearrington.


Designing Women - Part XVI

Most people quote “introduced by a friend or family member” as the most common and best way to meet someone of the opposite sex. That is if you choose to leave your house, which sounds awful. I have lots of friends and coworkers who are female. At one point or another I have probably asked each of them if they have any single female friends. One after another they have all said they don’t have a lot of friends who are girls and prefer to hang out with guys, because girls are catty and manipulative and a bunch of other true statements. How is it mathematically possible that every girl I know does not hang out with other women? Is there just an island of single women somewhere? Or is there a pen of unfriendable, undatable women in some basement? I hate guys, but I am friends with a lot of them. Apparently women hate women and they cannot be friends with them – unless they are lesbians, but there’s no point for them to have single straight friends.

Not only can they not be friends, but according to new research, women won’t hire attractive women at their jobs. According to the study, “Unlike men, women tend to be jealous of members of the same sex because of their physical appearance. ‘Females in charge of hiring at the companies themselves may well be jealous of prospective female employees who are attractive and thus may compete with them for mates, or at least the attention of male co-workers.’” Women – you are making it very difficult for us to like you. It’s like you are defying us to like you. Dating shouldn’t need to be so competitive. Stop trying to rig the system. If there was a third sex, you would be extinct. Since there isn’t - we have to find a way to work together. Let’s start by making out.

Who I Am In Love With This Week - Eleanor Friedberger


WIAILWTW is back! I took a couple weeks off to actually love a real person, but I am back to where it is much safer - loving people I will never actually meet. Lesson: Love from a safe distance, my friends. Like behind a nice bush or crouching behind a car. Anyways. I collect rare and unique vinyl records. That’s my taste. In turn, I tend to attract unique and rare women. The thing is – most of the records I have are rare and unique because no one wanted them in the first place and the majority of those who did buy in kicked them to the curb almost immediately. That’s where I come in. I am the trashman. But I love them nonetheless.

I like individuals. Someone who does their own thing. Someone with character. Someone who is not afraid to let their freak flag flap uncontrollably in the wind. All of those things exactly describe my love of the week, Eleanor Friedberger. I can’t say I was the biggest Fiery Furnaces fan, but once she got out there doing her own thing I became immediately smitten. She has a song writing and lyrically ability uncommon in today’s polished robotic music industry. She also has an uncommon beauty for a music star. Casual. Playful. Unforced. Not everyone would be into her, but I am the type of person who prefers variety over stability. I plan to go see her April 19th at the Black Cat in DC, but I have no intention of meeting her, but I will be doing my rounds at 9am in case there’s anything she wants to put out there.

Brandon Spoils Movies - Forrest Gump


“Forrest Gump” the movie has just as hard a time figuring out what it wants to be as Forrest Gump the character does. On the surface the movie is about a dimwitted man who inadvertently finds success at every task he transitions into. But it’s got more going on than a box of chocolates (get it?)

On one hand Forrest Gump is the quintessential Friend Zone movie. Forrest falls in love with a girl and proceeds to structure his life and actions for the approval and desire of this succubus. She, it turn, treats him like shit and takes advantage of his kindness at every turn. Boy this hits close to home. Forrest first meets Jenny (short for Genital Disease) on the bus in elementary school, because everyone knows the prettiest girl at school is open minded enough to befriend the village idiot. They grow up together and she gives him the advice to “just run”, which is what she does from her feelings and responsibilities. She whores it up all over the country and then returns when no one else would love her. She gives him a pity bang and later gives birth to their son. She finally decides to marry him when she is diagnosed with HIV, so that he and his shrimp money can support her. Then she dies so she doesn’t have to raise their child. Typical.

On the other hand Forrest Gump can be viewed as a historical adventure through the later part of the 20th century. He is basically the Where’s Waldo of any 20th century history text book. The problem is – he didn’t help improve anything. He met JFK, but he didn’t save him from being assassinated. He met the Black Panthers, but didn’t save MLK. He was even in China and didn’t lift a finger to help poor Tibet. So what good did he do? He taught Elvis to dance and invented the smiley face shirt. For a time traveler Forrest was kind of a dick. Also – he wasn’t that great of a dude to begin with. He had no trouble shooting at people in Vietnam, he took advantage of a local boating disaster, he ruins Black Panther parties, he beats anyone who messes with his lady and conceives a child who sees dead people (at least he could talk to his mom again. ED: that was a Sixth Sense reference - look it up)

I am out of hands, but there is at least a third angle – which is the perils of the mentally challenged and the handicapped. When he was younger he had leg braces – because apparently medicine at the time was just to strap metal bars to the problem. At one point he willed away the braces…he must have read “The Secret”. He had subpar intelligence, but somehow was able to graduate not just high school, but also college. Those classes must have been pretty easy. I wonder what he got his degree in. Probably communications (aka the default degree) since he had no trouble talking to everyone he met and boring them into submission. You know what’s nice? Starting the story from the beginning when you meet someone and not assuming they can catch up on the back story while casually waiting for their bus. No way could this movie have happened in DC. We don’t humor the mentally challenged person rambling incoherently about his life for hours.

There are some important life lessons in the movie though. For women – don’t worry - you can do drugs, fuck dudes and become a complete screw-up and still be okay because there will always be someone to love you. For dudes – always change your socks.

Brandon Breaks Records- Chuco Avellanet


“Get in my mouth microphone

Should’ve eaten before I left home

Chucho is so hungry it hurts

Appetite bigger than collars on shirts

Whole pizza I could finish

Mouth so open could put the whole thing in it

Tears of hunger on my face

If only a sandwich I could taste

Tell me where’s the drive through lane

I am not singing - I am ordering

I will let you all backstage

If you bring along a homemade buffet

I’m beginning to pass out

Please crumble some crackers into my mouth

Please let this song be over

So I can leave and finish my dinner”

Designing Women - Part XV


People seem to be pretty critical of Miss America. Her knowledge of foreign policy, her stance on famine, her thoughts on democracy…poor Miss America. That Hilary Clinton has it pretty tough, huh? What? You mean the Secretary of State isn’t Miss America. Who Is? Some 17 year old blonde chick from Nebraska? So this Miss America represents all of America? Who voted for her? I don’t remember there being a line at the polling station for this. Oh - a bunch of narcissistic old rich people? No wonder the other countries hate us.

I am like a zombie – I am more interested in women’s brains than their bodies. As Sage Francis said, “I like women who have more to get off their chests than wet t-shirts.” I think it’s sad that women can have beauty marks and not intelligence marks. I guess intelligence marks would just be; glasses, a library card and a mountain of student loan debt. Beauty only last so long, but intelligence lasts forever (unless you have Alzheimer’s.) You don’t see women who are getting older having to use creams on their heads to keep their brains fresh. They don’t have to pay for plastic surgery to inject knowledge of the civil war. And women don’t starve themselves if they forget the capital of Idaho.

According to a recent survey of two thousand women, a staggering 25 percent would rather win America’s Next Top Model than a Nobel Prize. This is so sad to me. I am way more attracted to intelligence than looks. Books smarts is sexy. Street smarts is slutty. Although, a perfect balance of the two never hurt anyone. Why not combine the two competitions? Have a written portion of the ANTM or a swimsuit portion of the Nobel Prize.

Brandon Breaks Records- Steve Green


Is there a photo day for home schooled kids? I guess the home schooled yearbook would just be the family portrait. It would also be the shortest yearbook swap ever (and the saddest if no one wants to sign your yearbook.) No wonder home school kids are socially inept. They miss out on all the social activities. No school photos, no prom, no passing love letters… (well maybe that does happens – I wouldn’t put it passed some of the home school kids I have met.) Getting detention is just being grounded. Field trips are just errands. Homework is remodeling. Wait - can you have homework when you’re home schooled or is that just redundant?

If there is home schooling - is there home colleging? Girls these days like a guy with a higher education who is also tight with his family. Could be a perfect match. Can you fail home school? Is that just getting kicked out? What about a homeschooled GED – does that exist? You will be living at home with any form of GED, so I guess it wouldn’t be that different. Are there special needs classes in home schooling? I mean they already take the “short-bus” - it’s a mini-van. I think all home schooled kids are kids with special needs. They need to get the fuck out.

I have no proof Steve Green was home schooled, but there is no way that face would have survived public school. A shirt like that couldn’t have breached the entrance of a public school - it would have been pulled over his head with his arms still in the sleeves and pulled up through his butt and attached to a clothes hook on the wall for the first ever “Nuclear Wedgie.” I haven’t listened to this album, but I assume “He Holds The Key” is a tribute to his dad unlocking the front door for him. I imagine it was followed shortly by “He Is The Light” which is a song in commemoration of his dad paying the electricity bill. 

Brandon Spoils Movies - Twins


I recently read they are planning to make a sequel to Twins called Triplets starring Eddie Murphy. In order to wrap my brain around this I decided to go back and watch the original 80s classic comedy movie. The plot of the movie is that the US Government, in order to create the perfect human, took samples of 6 men and implanted the traits in one woman. She gave birth to a healthy boy (Arnold Schwarzenegger) and a healthy placenta (Danny DeVito.)  Schwarzenegger was told his mother died in birth (although not from having 6 dudes inside her.) I think it was from shame for birthing DeVito. The twins were separated at birth and years later Schwarzenegger was informed he has a brother and he goes to LA. Upon finding him he realizes his brother is a scumbag loser who owes money to a loan shark and steals a car with a $5 million item in the trunk which he needs to deliver to TX to claim the money. Sadly this is not a “road trip” movie – though it would have been much better if it was. In one week Schwarzenegger meets his brother, meets his mom, drinks his first beer and gets laid for the first time - sounds like a good week. And then they return the stolen item in the trunk and get a big reward. Time to sign up for and see if I have a twin.

The obvious joke is that they’re twins that look nothing alike, get it? One is street smarts and the other is books smarts (and muscle smarts and looks smarts and hair smarts…) One is Mr America and the other is Mr American Scum. HA. Ha. ha. The other obvious joke is the “stupid foreigner surviving in LA” gag. He has never heard rock and roll or driven a car (though he picks up both very quickly) and he doesn’t know about crime. Because if you don’t know in LA criminals pick the strongest dudes they can find to try and rob. Stupid foreigners (by the way the same foreigners Governor Schwarzenegger wants out of LA.)

What’s crazy about the movie is – like the sperm cocktail they gave to that lady to make the twins the movie “Twins” is a melting pot of other movies. First off, Arnold. He is a muscular foreigner who tries to find his way through the streets of California. Sounds a lot like Terminator. Plus he is the government’s creation of a perfect human figure. Like Terminator. And at one point he actually says the line, “I’ll be back.” Like Terminator. Why am I watching this and not Terminator? This movie came out in 1988 years before Pulp Fiction, but the characters names are Jules (Samuel L Jackson/ Schwarzenegger) and Vincent (John Travolta/Danny Devito) - like the characters in Pulp Fiction. They drive around together, they get in gun fights, they wear suits... Why am I watching this and not Pulp Fiction? To get even crazier “Twins” co-stars Kelly Preston who later married John Travolta. Why am I watching this and not their sex tape?

Why did I watch this again? Oh right – to understand why anyone would want to make a sequel. I guess it’s an okay movie with a mildly entertaining premise and just enough action to keep you from dozing off. But you know what my favorite part of the movie is? No Eddie Murphy.

Designing Women - Part XIV


The whole KONY2012 thing is fascinating to me. Not the atrocities that occurred, which are awful - but the instant celebrity and fame gained by the video. First off there’s Jason Russell the co-founder of Invisible Children who helped make the KONY2012 video a viral hit. He whipped his non-invisible little man out in public and got arrested. Couldn’t this dude have just laid low and did interviews for at least ONE WEEK a bit before public tarnishing his image? Come on man. That’s how famous I would like to be. If I commit some minor public offense I would like to be front page news. “Brandon Fisher was arrested this week for running an illegal Pokémon fighting tournament in his basement? He called it the Pikachumaté”.

Then there’s Joseph Kony. After the video was watched by millions of people you can no longer name your kid Kony. His name will forever live in infamy like Hitler or Yoko. That’s how famous I would like to be. It would be amazing to be so famous that my name could not be removed from the immediate public mind and no future child could ever be my namesake. “You named your child Brandon? Even after the Pokémon atrocities?”

According to new research by the Pew Research Center, 51 percent of women say being famous is their number one or number two goal in life. “Famous” is a very ambiguous term these days. You can be famous for having eight kids inside you at once or you can be famous for having eight dudes inside you at once. What I am saying is make your own opportunities. You think the first guy to wear a beard of bees in the Guinnes World Book sat back and dreamed of being on Fear Factor? No! He got out there every day and let these bees fuck his face until he was able to attract some attention. Now I am not saying you should get swarmed by bees, but it would require fewer trips to the hospital than fucking one of the Jersey Shore cast.

The Finger


After the success of the scissor handshake - I have decided to introduce the next hand gesture to sweep the nation. Instead of giving people the middle finger like normal to express anger - flip your hand around and raise your middle finger to the sky. This shows them that all these fingers are down, except one. That finger is you. And fuck you.

Alternatively this gesture could be used for good and not evil. If you encounter a moment where a proper "fuck yeah" is needed you can use this gesture in a high-one to express "fuck" and "yeah" at the same time. Touching middle fingers isn't essential, but it does add a nice muffled clapping noise.

Brandon Spoils Movies - Home Alone


The check out lady at my grocery store always calls me “Home Alone”, so I figured I would rewatch the movie Home Alone to see if I could make any correlations. Oddly enough there is a scene when Macaulay Culkin goes to the grocery store and the items he checks out with aren’t that dissimilar to what I buy in rotation (including the army men.) Maybe she was right. Home Alone made it acceptable for blonde kids with bowl haircuts to acclimate into society and for this I thank it. Home Alone, starring Macaulay Culkin, is a movie about the risk of overpopulation, disenfranchised youth, the dangers of stereotyping and the maternal bond between mother and child. Just kidding – it’s just about some kid that gets left alone when his family flys to France. It’s also another platform for John Hughes to rally against the Airline Industry.

So Macaulay gets left behind in this big house to fend for himself and hilarity* ensues (*only applies to those under the age of 12.) I live alone and let me tell you – being home alone isn’t this much fun. There is just about as much talking to yourself though – that’s accurate. Apparently an eight year old's version of fun alone is bouncing on beds, eating ice cream and watching black and white films. Good thing the lead actor wasn’t eighteen or there would have been a lot of scenes involving him spanking it. At one point he showers and applies aftershave in order to give the memorable scream. Two things. One – he didn’t shave. Aftershave would have had no real affect. Two - it’s odd to me that the scream got on in society so much. It’s the most famous movie scream since Deliverance. The house itself doesn’t seem so inhabitable. The family left behind tons of food (even though they were planning to be gone for weeks), all the house lights turned on at a certain time (their power bill must be obscene) and there appears to be no need to lock the door behind you – which he only does ONCE the whole movie.

That leads to the crisis of the story, which is that two local robbers, Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern, are looking to rob the neighborhood. They call themselves the “Wet Bandits” and drive a white van – sounds more rapey and less stealy if you ask me. They attempt to break into the house only to be thwarted by eight year old Macaulay through a series of systematic booby traps. For someone who was scared of the basement heater and old people, he certainly grew a pair pretty quick didn’t he? I couldn’t have stood my ground I was scared of the dark until last year. Macaulay is assisted at one point by a local old person who the kids treated like shit and called the “Shovel Slayer.” The man was just trying to shovel his snow and salt the ground, so people wouldn’t slip. Proving once again kids are assholes.

Macaulay originally wished for his family to disappear and then later asks to have his family back. The morale of the movie, like Big, is not to wish for things, because you will regret it. Set low, attainable goals. The other take-away is that being left alone at a young age will ruin your acting career. Lastly, if you are a civilian and plan to thwart locale criminals make sure they are actually thieves and not just an innocent black youth with a hoodie and skittles.

Designing Women - Part XIII


Last year I was sitting outside a bar waiting for a mic to start and a hoard of people came running past. Not running from anything, like Godzilla, they were just running together. Seemed odd to me, but I was informed the new, hip thing to do in Northern Virginia is to join running groups. People have given up trying to meet people at the gym and are creating new ways to pair up. This is one of the new channels through which to meet people.

First off, I don’t know why anyone would want to meet someone through a physical activity. You are probably in terrible shape, you have on ridiculous workout clothes and you are against an army of other dudes with the same idea. A running group sounds like a terrible idea. I don’t want the person to know how quickly winded I get. I don’t want them to know my zero to caked in sweat time. Can you imagine trying to talk to someone while you are running and you are completely out of breath. My best first impression is not balled over gasping out one liners begging the person to “wait up.” Also doesn’t it kind of feel like you are chasing the person. Maybe they are running so much faster, because they are trying to get away from you. If they run into oncoming traffic to throw off your pursuit that is probably a bad sign. If they choose to get hit by a car instead of talking to you that’s an even worse sign.

But maybe these people are onto something. According to a new study by psychologists at the Universities of California and Harvard faces are considered more attractive when they are moving. If you are a girl at a bar the best thing to do to thwart creepy dudes is to remain as still as possible – like in a bear attack (I can’t tell you how many times I have compared picking up a girl to a bear attack.) When I talk to girls now I am going to be bobbing and weaving like a prize fighter.

Busy Signal

Sorry for the lack of posting this month - I have been incredibly busy. I will get back in a constant rotation soon. In the meantime here are some things from my weekend:

I found this set of matching Unicorn dishware in a thrift store. I heard these types of plates only appeared in people's imaginations or in fairy tales. It's like they are too amazing to even exist.


Then I saw this sign about not throwing cigarette butts in the planter, but it was littered with cigarette butts. Just goes to show you if you tell someone not to do something they will want to do it even more. These people are just lucky people haven't burned the sign down yet. Although - the sign does look new - maybe it's just the latest sign to grow from the ashes.


And here is a photo of my friend Josh trying the Cinnamon challenge. Apparently it's not hard to get all the cinnamon in your mouth, but once you try to swallow you can't keep it down. Insert whatever blowjob joke you like.


Designing Women - Part XII


I like it when women spend the night (in general, but wait there’s more) and then ask to borrow a shirt to sleep in. I think the benefit here is familiarity. I feel more at home holding a shirt that has once held me. Plus, I am not always fond of the clothing others wear. At least in this scenario I can comment on how much I like their shirt. Everyone wins! Plus, if I put on that shirt in the future it might still smell like them. Yes, I wash the shirts every time, but some women take multiple washes to cleanse yourself of.

I like to make women comfortable when they stay the night. I have contact cases and solution (though I don’t wear contacts), face wash (though typically the most my face gets is a splash during showering – or a drink in the face at a bar) and yes, there are tampons in my house. I am not sure if that’s weird for a woman to see though. I am still on the tampon fence on that one. I try to keep their favorite drink in stock and flourish the fridge with vegetables and fruits that otherwise are strictly decorative until they make their inevitable journey to the trashcan.

A new study by John Barg and Idit Shalev shows that bringing somebody back to your freezing apartment may increase their loneliness and send them in search of the “social warmth” a companion can provide. From now on I am keeping my apartment lightly chilled with a chance of spooning. The concern here is that – if you know meteorology - if a cold climate is suddenly interrupted by a heat wave it may cause a tornado. A love tornado. I knew my loving was good, but I didn’t know it could change the physical properties of the atmosphere.

Designing Women - Part XI


I am no good talking to attractive women. They are my kryptonite. When I get near them all my powers wear off. Not that there were many to start with. Actually it doesn’t take much to render me powerless. A cool breeze might do the job. A breezy blonde most certainly will. And when I do talk to them I don’t leave a lasting impression. One time I talked to this girl at a party for a solid 30 minutes then excused myself to use the restroom and when I returned she had no memory of our conversation. That’s how long my impression lasts – a bathroom break. Not even a #2 bathroom break – a #1. This is unfortunate, because a lot of emphasis is focused on making a good impression. I think the most lasting impressions are probably STDs or babies. Except one of those two is much easier to get rid of than the other.

In a new study by Sanne Nauts and her colleagues at Radboud University Nijmegen in the Netherlands men are cognitively impaired when they are interacting with women (even when they just think they might interact with women.) Women were unaffected in the test, but men when thinking they were speaking to a women had a loss in cognition. What hope do men have against women? None. You know who I bet had no problem talking to women? Stevie Wonder.

Brandon Spoils Movies - Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory


In full disclosure this week’s entry is one of my favorite movies and I watch it all the time – I‘ve had many ideas over time and most will be described here. I love Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory more than I love actual chocolate. I am not a sweets man. This could be a problem if the contest to get inside the factory was real, because nothing inside would appeal to me. I would probably trade in the gold ticket for cash – in this economy it’s probably worth more than a lifetime supply of chocolate.

The movie stars Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka. Now this was before the days when he and Richard Pryor made a string of movies together. Wouldn’t this movie have been great with Richard Pryor? He could have helped the kids freebase the candy. It also stars 5 kids and 5 adults whose careers were all forever ruined by this movie. The movie itself is about a reclusive chocolate maker who creates a contest to let 5 people (and one family member each) into the factory if they find a golden ticket in a bar of his chocolate. The contest sweeps the world, because apparently everyone really loves chocolate and who doesn’t love vacationing at factories to watch things get made? I know every time I drive by the Coca-Cola plant there are hundreds of people waiting outside. But this is the Wonka Factory, its way better; it’s like Hersey Park if Hersey Park wasn’t stupid.  

The focal point of the movie is Charlie a poor young scamp who lives with his mother and four elderly grandparents. The grandparents all sleep in the same bed (which sounds like the worst orgy ever), but he favors Grandpa Joe at the envy of the other grandpa – tell me that didn’t create some uncomfortable cross bed stares. He, along with four other youths, discover the golden ticket and are granted access to the factory. Really? No adults won – seems odd. Anways - the children are all approached by Slugworth, a rival chocolate maker, and are asked to steal an everlasting gobstopper so he can replcate the formula and put Wonka out of business. The weird thing is later its revealed Slugworth works for Wonka. So does Wonka actually run both companies? Seems like a lot of work to set up a dummy corporation all for a clever ruse. And what are “gobs” and why do we need to stop them so badly?

Inside the factory the children are picked off one by one and are forever horribly scarred by the resulting pain their selfish actions cost them. That is – if they live at all. You never see them after they are taken away. Maybe the oompa loompas are hired hitmen. If he really doesn’t want his secrets getting out - he would have to kill everyone who saw the inner workings. Didn’t anyone think that maybe Wonka was hiding out because he is a murderer? The government should have sent these kids in like Seal Team 5 to take out this serial killer. If you didn’t notice - the children are killed off in the exact order in which they found the ticket. This seems premeditated and couldn’t have been an accident. If Mike Teavee turns into a TV signal, Violet turns violet and Augustus Gloop becomes Gloop Juice – shouldn’t Veruca Salt turned into salt and Charlie turn into a bucket? If you are going to commit you might as well go all out.

The helpers slash murderers helping Wonka out are the oompa loompas. They generate more questions than they sing about. Here are some examples: They learned those harmonies, dances and songs pretty fast didn’t they? (see premeditation theory above.) How do oompa loompa procreate? There are no females. Are oompa loompas midgets who ate after midnight? Why didn’t Wonka get  some Wang Doodles to keep the oompa loompas in check? They are basically slaves – so at what point is there a mutiny in the factory when they revolt against the tyranny of this chocolate dictator? Probably when Charlie takes over. That leads to the conclusion.

Charlie is the last child standing and thus wins the grand prize – no not the chocolate - the whole factory! Congratulations – you get to work. Now go grab a mop. What a shit gift. Couldn’t he just opt for the chocolate instead of slaving away for no pay? And does he quit school the next day? Wonka wants a child, because a child will do things the way he wants – but Charlie will grow up at some point. Will Charlie have to do a similar contest years later and there will forever be a revolving chocolate maker like Dr Who or Menudo? I do quote the last line often, "What happened to the boy who suddenly got everything he always wanted? He lived happily ever after." I always thought I was Charlie: wide eyed optimist who does right to the world and wins in the end. But now I think I may be Wonka: the man who devotes his life to his work and dies alone. Now I just need some oompa loompas.

Who I Am In Love With This Week - Cherry Sweetbottom


Doing comedy can often feel like you are naked baring your soul on stage. At least we aren’t forced to bare our bodies. There would be even fewer people in the audience than there are already. It’s funny when people imply they have a small penis. It’s just sad when they actually show you. Stand up is the art of implication. Burlesque is the art of the tease. It’s like insinuating, but never showing that you have a small penis (I hope most Burlesque dancers don’t actually have penises – big, normal or small. I know there are male burlesque dancers - I am referring to the women here)

In the olden days of variety shows - comedy was often combined on the same bill with American Burlesque. Comedy is like Burlesque. In both cases a performer goes on stage and reveals themselves to an audience in exchange for a positive reaction. At some point the two art forms diverged. I think it’s because women don’t generally go to comedy shows (since both forms seem skewed towards guys anyways). Recently there has been a resurgence of the two acts happening on the same bill. I have done several of these shows over time and I can say there are more similarities than just the need for attention. The amount of humor delivered is similar to the hotness and seductiveness of the Burlesque dancer. For every extraordinary comic you see you have to sit through 100 other comics ranging from awful to exceptional.  How can I be nice about the dancers I have seen? Let’s just say – I don’t laugh at the majority of comics either.

That said - on occasion you do run across very pretty, talented dancers. This past Sunday I did a show at the Red Palace in DC and there were multiple beautiful ladies performing. It was the equivalent of seeing everyone on the “Talking Funny” show performing the same night. I completely fell in love with one of these ladies, Cherry Sweetbottom. She did awesome and is now a part of Cupcake Cabaret DC. People always joke about their loser friend that goes to the strip club, gets a little attention and falls in love with the stripper that he paid to be nice to him. What a pathetic loser. This is nothing like that at all. She is a burlesque dancer. And it was free. The image above is she and I after the show. That pen wasn't the only hard thing trying to leap out of my pocket.

Brandon Spoils Movies - Who Framed Roger Rabbit


I can’t really spoil any of these movies for you, because I am picking old movies and if you haven’t already seen them, you probably won’t and I am picking movies from the golden age, before Shyamalan twists (hey – that sounds like the new hot dance move) where movies were pretty predictable. This week I watched “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?” Who framed him? The guy dressed in black name Judge Doom - it was pretty obvious. But this movie is more than that - it’s a portrait of racism and intolerance in society. These humans (all white by the way) hate “toons” (ie. black people) and banish them to their own part of town. Sounds a lot like segregation to me. “Toons” also sounds a lot like “coons”. For shame Hollywood. The protagonist, Roger Rabbit, is clearly the representative for black people. He wears a bow tie, yells at movies, loves white women and gets sprayed by hoses. I knew Walt Disney was an anti-semite, I didn’t know he was also racist. If they ever reanimate his frozen body I would like to punch him in the face.

This movie was one of the first movies combining human actors and cartoons (way before Avatar or that Paula Abdul video with Skat Cat). It must have been hard acting next to an empty void – probably a lot like acting with Matthew McConaughey. This is also the only time that Disney and Looney Tunes have combined efforts. It’s like when Biggie and Tupac were on that one track together. Outside of Roger Rabbit the movie stars Bob Hoskins as Eddie Valliant - a beaten down detective whose brother was killed by a “toon”. Bob Hoskins also played Super Mario (he got pretty type cast there in the 80s). His brother, who I assume was named Luigi, was killed by Christopher Llyod’s character, which makes him the Bowser of the movie. It also features Roger’s wife Jessica Rabbit, who forever set up an unrealistic body image for women who like to fuck rabbits. The movie features a talking car (or “car toon”) who apparently can think and reason yet can’t drive itself – but later in the movie drives another car. Cars driving cars? What’s next? Gay people marrying? According to Republicans that leads to bestiality. Oh wait, Roger is already putting it to Jessica rabbit style. This must be set in the future.

The plot is pretty simple. Roger thinks Jessica is playing patty cake with someone else (if patty cake is equal to cheating those girls on the corner are real whores) and the studio hires Valliant to spy on her. In doing he has to help Roger uncover who framed him for the murder of Marvin Acme, owner of Acme Corporations and Toontown. The framer, as spoiled above, was Judge Doom who wants to destroy all “toons” and turn Toontown into a rest stop for a freeway. In order to do so he needs to get rid of all “toons”. Doom needed a way to destroy a “toon” (apparently he never heard Avril Lavigne’s cover of “Imagine” - Boo-ya) so he invents a chemical that removes “toons” (a simple eraser would have worked, but whatever). Valliant thwarts the efforts and saves Roger and Jessica from Doom only to discover Doom was a “toon” as well. So, Doom hated “toons” even though he was one – what an Uncle Tom. It’s no wonder Hanna-Barbera turned down the opportunity to also be involved with this movie. No way would Magilla Gorilla have stood for this racist shit.



Before the show at Red Palace in DC last night I found this note. If this is your note and you need it, back let me know. I also have some questions:

Why didn't you spring for the real Sting Speedo? If you are going to commit to a Speedo, you might as well go full out.

Is the Sting Speedo called a "Steedo" or a "Stingdo"?

What event could have caused you not to wear the Speedo? The only instance where you should not wear it is if Sting actually walks in wearing one. There can only be one Sting in a Speedo and he's got dibbs on it.

What is “ado” and why can’t you wait for more of it? Did you bid “ado”s adieu?

Whoever wrote in, “the spice must flow” is correct. If you are going to crush the House of Atreides you must start your reign backstage at a club in DC. It’s how all great leaders started. Who can forget the time Hitler did an erotic striptease to “99 luftballons?”


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