Brandon Fisher, CJ Kirkwood & Faizan

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Spud Webb Potatoes

SpudWebbCR

As described in Comedic Intent Episode #53.

(And no these don't exist. Only Photoshop exists)

 

Brandon Spoils Movies - Soul Man

soulman

Ah the 1980s. Where comedies didn’t have to be funny all the way through. Where stars like Leslie Neilson, Julia Louis-Dreyfuss and James Earl Jones were extras. Where everyone cared about the plight of the rich white kid. Where you could produce an entire movie with the star in black face and America would buy it. Soul Man is all these things and so much less.

Soul Man is about a college student, C. Thomas Howell, who gets accepted to Harvard Law, but can’t afford the tuition after being cut-off by his rich parents, so he becomes black in order to apply for a full scholarship. It’s totally possible that this is the alternate version of The Last Starfighter where he actually went to college instead of into space. This whole movie seems packed with people trying to be something else. You have the voice of Darth Vader as a black professor, you have someone named Rae Dawn Chong playing a black student, the theme song “Soul Man” sung by one of the whitest dudes ever, Lou Reed, the writer of the movies was Carol Black (who I assume is actually white) and you have the main character in black face trying to be a black guy. Racism is addressed, lessons are learned and like most movies the white guy ends up all right in the end.

Here’s what else happens. Soul Man takes tanning pills to become black. So why did Soul Man’s hair change? I didn’t know tanning darkened your skin and curled your hair. If tanning made you black that tanning mom who put her kid in a tanning bed would be darker than a black hole. Soul Man didn’t even look black! He looked exactly the same, but less bright. How did people not recognize Soul Man? These are the same people fooled by Superman in glasses posing as Clark Kent. Soul Man then falls for his classmate, Chong, who coincidentally sits right next to him, because their names are close in the alphabet. All colleges seat alphabetically, right? After it’s revealed that Soul Man is white, Chong still decides to date him. How low are her standards? I know she has a kid already, but months of deceptive lies are no problem? I don’t know what her baby daddy did to make her leave, but it must have been epic.

I grew up in the 1980s and I don’t remember it being so hard to be white. It was actually pretty easy. Why are there so many movies surrounded around white people problems? (See: The Last Starfighter, Big, Just One Of The Guys). This doesn’t seem to be representative of the white experience. I never use the N-Word, I don’t tell racist jokes and I would never fraud a scholarship away from underprivileged youth. I guess I am just not a Soul Man. It would probably explain why I am not a lawyer, don’t have a hot black girlfriend and don’t have rich parents to pay all my student loan debt. At least Soul Man was made so that no one in Hollywood ever thinks it would be a good idea to make a movie with someone in black face because it hasn’t been done before. In that way Soul Man was trailblazing. Thank you Soul Man.

Designing Women - Part XXII

shoes

The only way to tell if a woman is involved is if they have an engagement ring or are currently making out with someone. Where is the relationship status equivalent in fashion? Women need to make this more obvious. If an engagement ring signifies you intend to marry, there should be an indicator of intention to hook up, like not wearing a bra or wearing white pants. No one is more ready to hook up then a girl in white pants, because you know for a fact it’s not her time of the month.

For men it’s pretty easy to tell if they are single. All you have to do is count the unbuttoned buttons on their shirt. No woman in a relationship would let her man walk around with two or more unbuttoned. It’s just gross. You can also tell when men are in a relationship, because they are usually in flip flops and shorts with no belt. This is because relationships are like prison – they make you take off your belt and shoelaces, so you don’t try to hang yourself.   

A new study finds that you can tell a lot about someone based on what type of shoes they wear. Sadly, they did not indicate which shoes are worn to indicate availability. Though I assume girls in Uggs are single, because no man wants to be walking around with someone who looked like they just rolled out of bed – especially if that bed was in a cave – and they have to use poodle skin for warmth. I guess the only way to really know if a girl is single based on her shoes is to ask the age old pick-up line, “Nice shoes – wanna fuck?”

Brandon Spoils Movies - Ghost Dad

GD

Long ago I notified my work that upon hearing news of Bill Cosby’s passing I would take the remainder of the day off. I love Bill Cosby and wince at the idea of his passing, but everyone dies, so in order to ease into acceptance I decided to watch Ghost Dad. I don’t have to explain the plot to you – it’s almost entirely summarized in the title. What’s odd is that the movie doesn’t understand the logic of either of these words. Let’s break it down.

I don’t think the writers knew the boundaries of ghostdom. Bill Cosby becomes a ghost that can walk through walls and buses, but doesn’t fall through bridges or chairs? How does that work? He is invisible unless the lights are low. Wouldn’t a pitch black room be difficult to see anything in? How dark does it need to be? There are no variations explained in the movie. If he can't be in sunlight - doesn't that make him a vampire - not a ghost? Although he is dead and has no vocal chords he can talk – at one point they couldn’t hear him, but the movie takes a leap of faith explaining if he tries hard enough, he can. I would have thought it worked like the light/appearance thing where if they turn the radio up they could hear him – oh well. At one point he is able to transport through a phone. I didn’t know ghosts could defy space/time logic – it would be a real time saver if he could do that - he wouldn’t have needed his daughter to drive him around at all. He can also hold and lift things as a ghost, but there appears to be no strength/weight concern. I guess being a ghost defies gravity as well. The major issue I have is – his clothes aren’t ghosts – how come sometimes they completely disappear and other times they don’t? Must be some magical clothes.

He also isn’t a Dad – or at least not a good one. He’s never around, he leaves them home alone, he forgets their birthdays and he insults their cooking. No wonder the kids shed literally NO tears when they heard he died. Even after he explains he’s a ghost they give him a hard time. But they do run errands and help him fake a physical, run a boardroom meeting and hook-up – that’s right at one point he gets ghost action. I am alive and I can’t even score. This whole living thing has been keeping me back.

Here are my stray observations about the story itself. Cosby dies when a satanic cab driver drives off a bridge. You know this whole story could have been avoided if he just accepted Satan in his life, right? And why does liking Satan make you such a bad driver? I have never seen Satan in a car.  When the cop sees the broken guard rail he does nothing to investigate the scene. He doesn’t even walk down to the water. And how did the cab driver get away? In most purgatory/ghost movies the deceased returns to earth to solve their murder, or get revenge, or do one final good deed before passing – what does Cosby need to do – make it to Thursday to ensure a merger at his company to get his pension. So he dies and then goes to work! You’re a ghost – at least make a stop at the nearest women’s locker room. The merger succeeds even though he gets fired and loses his pension (which never gets addressed at the end about him having no job and being poor). It turns out he never actually died. His family is able to jump out of their bodies (where is the super hero Ghost Dad fan fiction?) His body didn’t lose its life it lost its soul. So he wasn’t actually a Ghost Dad he was more like a Soul Man – but apparently that is already a movie.

Fashion The Pan - Part VII

xlarge

Adidas decided to unveil and then deveil these shoes with ankle locks. Because everyone loves chains, right? The kids still love their chain wallets, right? Right? A lot of people have called them out for being racist, which they clearly are, but they are missing the larger problem – hooking up (and not the kind where you hook a chain to your ankle.) When you are making out with a lady - the speed and agility with which you remove your clothing is essential. You don’t want to be the guy still wearing socks in bed (see The Sock Gap episode of Coupling for a full review.) This just creates another barrier to pass before hooking up. And what happens if you get your pants caught on the chain? And everyone know no self respecting woman will have sex with a man looking like My Pet Monster.

Brandon Spoils Movies - RoboCop

RoboCop

I read that Hugh Laurie (aka House) will likely join Abbie Cornish, Samuel L Jackson and Gary Oldman in a RoboCop reboot. I decided to brush up on my RoboCop awareness and rewatch the 1987 original. Instead of nitpicking the finer details, as per usual, I am going to list what I feel should and should not be included in the remake. Though - I will hold true to the series and spoil many plot points.

Should be included:

  • - Since he has a son, a scene where he attempts, but ultimately cannot play catch with his son. I will also accept a scene where he makes robot love to his lady.
  • - We know he eats. Let’s see him poop. Just once. Come on. They had the VP of OCP do it in the movie. Also someone should probably brush his teeth. Food paste doesn’t smell so fresh after a day napping in a cage.
  • - Accessories. If they can build him however why not give him wheels and possibly a jet pack? He can’t sneak up on anyone walking around like a Clydesdale. A wheel would make more sense. I mean they are in Detriot. We know they have car technology. Plus, it would circumvent the question of how he learned to drive after having his memory wiped.
  • - The fake commercials. And more of them please.
  • - When Kurtwood Smith walks in on Miguel Ferrer after he vacuumed some blow off a slut’s chest he says, “Bitches leave.” This is possibly the best line of dialogue from any movie ever.
  • - RoboCop has a built in compartment in his leg for his gun. Keep this and make it bigger, so he can carry his sandwich, maybe some chapstick and a flask.
  • - A scene where it rains and he rusts like the Tinman.

Should not be included:

  • - The fake voice. His mouth is not covered at all. Why would there be a fake voice? Cut it out.
  • - On the above note: cut out any robot noises. What the hell noises were coming out of the ED209? Sounded like a feral animal.
  • - The sarcastic catch phrases (unless there is a scene where House teaches him how to be snarky.)
  • - Unlike the commercials they should cut the outdated unfunny sitcom playing ad nauseam or at least update it with someone hysterical like Gallagher.
  • - The whole visit to his old home. It was littered with trash and unpotted plants. That house will never sell in that condition.
  • - A partner (unless it’s the claymation ED209.)
  • - The scene with stereotypical angst youth dancing to alternative music. Ie. no Skrillex please.

Fashion The Pan - Part VI

armorhoodie

I never understood the cowboy hat, cowboy shirt, cowboy boots outfit. Cowboy is the only profession people dress up in even though it’s not Halloween. The only time people should be dressed up as a cowboy is if they are with a construction worker, an Indian, a traffic cop and a sailor. If you work at Burger King you don’t wear your visor, black pants and sadness to the bar afterwards - No. You don’t see other professions becoming popular styles – there are no guys showing up at the bar in a one piece hazmat suit – unless you are at a rave – in which case RUN you have time warped to 1996. Although everything in fashion revolves in 20 year cycles, so in 4 to 6 years this may become reality.

Having said that – this armor hoodie is pretty bad ass. You can be a knight at night and stay warm. It’s also way more mobile than the traditional suit of armor. You can run away from the people trying to beat your ass with more agility. This would be the perfect armor for a fight – a pillow fight. Unfortunately for the young man who created the hoodie, Chadwick John Dillon, his Etsy shop was shut down due to overwhelming response. You mean nerds like history, medieval times and hoodies? Who knew? If history proves true, Sketchers will find a way to create their own armor hoodie and sell it as though they were the original inventors in the sweatshop blacksmith.

Flavor Flav Loves Fireworks

Flav

As I mentioned in Comedic Intent #54 - This weekend I saw Flavor Flav and other Legends of Hip Hop. Here is the full audio of Flavor Flav freaking out over fireworks.

Fashion The Pan - Part V

grimes

Musician Claire Boucher aka Grimes has teamed with Morgan Black to create a line of “Pussy Rings”. I have no problem with Grimes (other than my previous statements relating to beautiful girls with dumb haircuts) or rings, or vaginas, but this doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. First off – I am pretty sure the fingers go in the other way. This is like giving a hand job by pummeling it on the side like a speed bag. Secondly – not sure if this was modeled after anyone in particular, but I am pretty sure someone slipped a Swedish Fish into the mold. I am not even sure this is to scale. Can you wear a girl like a three finger ring? Thirdly – these would not be very effective in a fight. It may give some slight aching to the jaw, but overall it will probably just make them very sleepy.

Brandon Breaks Records- Dean & Mary

dean

If people had to get their marriage license at the DMV, like they get their drivers license, there would be some serious reconsideration about this whole marriage thing. They wouldn’t even have to change the acronym they could merge the Department of Motor Vehicles with the Department of Marital Vows. You would have to sit there with that person for, like hours, just staring desperately at the turning of the counter, exhausting the well of small talk and being weathered through the worst possible conditions. The DMV is basically purgatory. A holding cell that you sit though while ultimately going nowhere. The DMV is like the ghost of probable future. If you make a wrong turn that could be you – sitting back-to-back with your spouse unable to look them in their stupid face while your children circle you like vultures running tirelessly and unapologetically over whatever is left of what you used to call a life. Oh – it’s our turn to fill out the marriage application – um, no thanks – I think we are going to ride out this whole single thing.

Do you think you will see your life partner in the afterlife? It would kind of suck to die first. After your spouse passes away you would have to introduce them to all the new friends you’ve made, you have to make space for them on your cloud or whatever and you have to sit through hours of boring updates about life in the nursery home without you. You lose whatever happiness enjoyed from being alone for the first time in years and now you have to to see this person forever. Ugh, kill me now. And let me be clear - I do plan to get married someday. I am not scared to love someone forever. In fact I have been preparing - I haven’t had sex in weeks.

Dean & Mary appear as happy as the warmth a blow dryer can provide. They will clearly be tied together by a thin mist of Aquanet for eternity. Their bodies side by side in beige caskets, but their spirits forever merged on a Vaseline lense cloud. You may ask why is the photo so blurry? Were they moving really fast? Did the photographer not focus the photo? Is this a photoshop effect? Nope this is actually what it looks like. I like to think they are ascending to Heaven. Or maybe ghosts in purgatory. How did they die? Mary needed update her drivers license status to organ donor and the rest is beige history.

Brandon Spoils Movies - The Last Starfighter

starfighter

If you are going to capitalize on a popular trend - heighten the good things, fix the problems and drop all the unnecessarily shit. The Last Starfighter is the poor man’s Star Wars, but it didn’t come close to improving on anything – it just took a bunch of left-over shit and made a movie out of it. The characters are talking cardboard cut-outs, the dialogue appears to be written by someone whose first (or second) language isn’t English, the plot development barely broke ground, the acting is slightly above local theater and the special effects were worse than those that existed before Star Wars. Did these people even watch Star Wars? The plot centers around young man who gains fame throughout his trailer park by achieving the record score on a starfighting arcade game. After completing the game, a creepy space traveler, who claims to have invented the game as a test for competence, kidnaps Alex and takes him to space and forces him to become a starfighter. Then there is some war happening for some reason between some aliens because something, something, something. None of this is properly explained. It’s just a temporality fill to get Alex into his spaceship. Space noises, default explosion imagery and special effects then ensue (but more in the way “special” is used to define the “special” Olympics.)

So Alex was chosen as the “last starfighter”, but he wasn’t even the “last.” He was the last one in training, sure, but there were clearly other candidates. I mean what happened to the person who had the high score before Alex? Did he already get killed in combat? Well - that doesn’t work with the timeline, because Alex won the game EXACTLY when the war started. Good thing he didn’t take a day off to bone his hot girlfriend or take his peeping tom brother fishing or something. The universal search returned the best, but there were probably some close seconds. Top Gun is great, but second place isn’t bad either. I mean Tom Cruise barely beat out Val Kilmer. I am sure Kilmer could have taken down a couple ships, especially with their complete lack of accuracy in shooting. And what do you call the reptile co-pilot who actually steered the ship and all but pressed Alex’s thumb on the trigger to shoot – was he not a starfighter? And the term starfighter is misleading. He isn’t fighting stars. He is fighting other ships. He is a ship fighter. Luke Skywalker was originally Luke Starkiller, but it was changed, because Starkiller makes no damn sense.

So what if you’re good at a game - that doesn’t make you good in reality. I can win the board game Life – the real thing is way harder. It’s not like he was a master commander. His main strategy to destroy the turret was to wait, let the ship past then attack from the rear. What a futuristic, unfathomable flank plan that was. I guess it helps when the star fighter had the same two levers for steering that the arcade game had. Really? Two levers? I would have thought space ships were more advanced. Speaking of advanced if these aliens can build space ships why can’t they build a better looking arcade game with quality graphics? That thing could unmask an alien, systematically chose candidates and communicate over light years, but it couldn’t have rendering capabilities? Once again, this just teaches you to be careful around games (see: Big.)

The internal protagonist struggle was the desire to leave the trailer park for a university, but the dream was deterred when his loan application was denied. What college was Alex trying to get into that denied his loan? He lives in a trailer park – he couldn’t get financial aid. In. A. Trailer. Park? Sounds like someone was only getting high scores on an arcade games. I am not sure why he wants to leave. I didn’t know trailer parks could experience joy, yet everyone there seemed quite jovial – and there were a disproportionate amount of attractive people. One of those was his hot girlfriend who seemed down to jump into hyperspace at any point. What hot girl would fawn over a loser, who can’t get into college, who plays video games all day? Work with what you got, Alex. He does relocate at the ending. Once he defeats the bad guys he gets to come home and bring his hot girlfriend back with him. What purpose would she serve? What can’t he bring everyone back? Didn’t these people see Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory?

Designing Women - Part XXI

before

Pretty people are dicks. We can all agree on that, right? What with their noticeable cheekbones, white teeth and inflated sense of self. What a bunch of assholes. And the hotter they get the more intolerable they become. You just want to punch them in the face, don’t you? Have you ever met an attractive person who seemed impossibly nice in relation to their attractiveness and then you come to find out they used to be heavier, but lost the weight? Makes perfect sense doesn’t it? Unattractive people are normally described as having great personalities and it’s true - they often are jolly, like Santa. The least happy people in the world are those that used to be beautiful, but lost their appeal (I call them Republicans.) Beautiful people stop at nothing to attempt to retain their beauty through botox, face lifts, hobo tears or whatever and oftentimes they overdo it and look even worse.

According to a new study, women who were previously obese, but are now thin, are considered less attractive than if they stayed the same consistent weight. Really? I think it’s a positive quality when someone takes steps to improve their life and sees it all the way through. This is why I don’t ask questions about people’s history. No matter how many men they’ve been with or cakes they’ve eaten, it’s always too much. Everyone should get a second chance - unless you are trying to fool me twice. Shame on you. I would prefer someone that used to be obese over someone who used to be wealthy. In both scenarios they lost something, but at least one of the two had something to fall back on – other than their backs.

Brandon Spoils Movies - Kindergarten Cop

KC

As impractical as it may sound, Kindergarten Cop serves as one of the last movies in the great era of late 20th century cinema. Notice I didn’t say it’s a great movie in the great era – because it isn’t - but it doesn’t seem to be market tested into blandness, it doesn’t attempt to appeal to every demographic and it doesn’t rely too heavily on the premise. For example, pretend this movie was made today. First off, it would be a buddy comedy about a grizzled veteran detective who has to team up with a sassy quick witted kindergartener to figure out who stole the milk or whatever (oh wait - I think they made that and called it Cop and a Half). All the murders that happened in the movie would be converted to arrests. There would probably be a K9 helper, which may or may not talk. That cop partner would have to be way hotter. She would probably be replaced by Kelly Clarkson or some other marginally talented house hold name. And forget some kid saying the word “vagina” they’re too young – think of the children! Oh and the kids today love vampires. Everyone would be a vampire.

Thankfully none of those things corrupted the movie. So here’s what does happen. Arnold Schwarzenegger plays a cop who goes undercover as a kindergarten teacher to find out which student is hiding under a fake name from his fugitive father. Hilarity and plot holes ensue. Okay – how uncontrolled is this school? Do they not do background checks? At least two of the teachers weren’t who they said they were. What kind of school let’s a person who can barely speak English teach kids? Those kids would all be left behind countless times. And why are there so many fire alarms per week? When do these kids actually learn? There’s one lady who just follows the principal around all day. Is she like a bitch in training?

Okay enough about the school. Let’s talk Arnold. Wouldn’t you think if you go undercover you would stop using your real name? That’s undercover 101. Even the wife on the run was smart enough to change her hair color. As a teacher, he seems to get pretty abused by 6 year olds. You know he had a 5 year old, right? Unless some genetic mutation happens between age 5 and 6 – I am pretty sure he should have been able to handle it. Or maybe not - maybe that’s why his wife left him – I mean did you see him try to unhook that little girl’s overalls with his giant bear claws? Maybe his wife made the right decision. This leaves him open to dating the wife on the run. Wait – really? She married a drug dealer, stole $3M from him, kidnapped their son and taught under false premises. This is not a good person. Why would you date this? Sure she’s kinda hot, but she has a kid – no thanks.

Then there’s the bad guy, Cullen Crisp. He’s not really that bad. He loves his mom, he doesn’t want to abandon his son, he provides for the family…actually the wife kinda sounds like the asshole here. Sure he kills people, but if you shoot the movie from his angle you get Ransom starring Mel Gibson. You’re telling me you wouldn’t kill someone to get your kid back? Not that the killing really mattered, because he skated right through that trial. Sure the witness died, but did the DA do nothing to interview Arnold or look for the gun or search for evidence or put the witness under protection? Anyways, like an asshole, Arnold thwarts his plan and keeps him from his son. Oh well at least we got a lot of memorial quotes out of this movie and many, many hours of pranks using the Arnold Schwarzenegger Soundboard.

Designing Women - Part XX

goggles

I am single. This is not due to a lack of effort, but rather by unattainable high standards. Therefore, I have decided to reset my standards to default. When you buy a phone and start customizing it and adding apps and buying a nice case and personalizing it – the phone becomes unconventional and unusable for the larger public – like standards. The default seems to work perfectly fine for the majority of people. These seem like the easiest people to please. That default ringtone is like a mating call. I personalized my standards too much and narrowed the pool too much. Now it’s like a kiddy pool. No wait. That doesn’t sound good. Like an above ground inflatable pool that you can’t get completely submerged in and your knees always stick out.  

A huge contributing factor into why I am single is I am too nice of a guy. They say that nice guys finish last, but that’s not true, nice guys get around sex so infrequently they finish almost immediately. Now I like sex as much as the nice guy who hasn’t had it in a while, but I am not so desperate for it that I would do anything unethical like force myself on a girl or pay for a $70 steak dinner (I learned that lesson more than once.) I will and have turned down sex if the woman is on her period. I can take a couple days off. I once went 18 years without sex, in a row, so I think I can manage a long weekend.

A new study reveals that women approaching their ovulation cycle tend to prefer “bad boys”. According to the study; "Under the hormonal influence of ovulation, women delude themselves into thinking that the sexy bad boys will become devoted partners and better dads. When looking at the sexy cad through ovulation goggles, Mr. Wrong looked exactly like Mr. Right." Now I have heard of beer goggles and have worn them so much I got a prescription pair, but I have never heard of ovulation goggles. I am going to the wrong bars. I’ve been going to “ladies nights” I need to be going to “ovulating ladies nights.” But in the end I would be going home alone, because, again, I am a nice guy. But at least I am the nice guy without children and sheets that need washing.

Fashion The Pan - Part IV

Art

Art is expensive. I was at Artomatic in Arlington last night and saw quite a few unnecessary commas and decimal points in the wrong places on price tags. It’s hard to put a price on your time and your vision – but I will help – take whatever you think its worth and divide it by ten. Looking through Artomatic you could easily tell who was a professional artist (sells work for a living) and who is delusional (the rest.) There were lots of great exhibits, but sometimes a needle isn’t worth sifting through an entire haystack.

Graffiti – at least in a traditional sense – is an art form removed from commerce. You can’t typically buy an entire wall and hang it up (unless you buy four walls and a roof piece, which could make a nice new home). People can be commissioned to do graffiti, at a profit, in a controlled environment, but that is not graffiti to me. That’s art in the style of graffiti. This is why I got upset when Marc Jacobs sold a shirt using graffiti that French artist Kidult painted on his SoHo store. Not just that – it was almost $700. I understand this is a joke and tongue-in-cheek, but it shouldn’t be money-in-pocket. A real joke is when Wilfry sold a $35 meta-tee with the shirt printed on a shirt.

Parking Impunity

parkingimpunity

Anyone know where I can score one of these bumper stickers? Parking in DC blows. This is like a license to kill (kill lawns when I park whenever I want.)

It just so happens that I am a member of WMATA (White Men Avoiding Tickets Association) and there are always emergencies when I think my meter is running low.

Designing Women - Part XIX

barbie

There is an ever-growing list of women who cosmetically, naturally and crazily alter their appearance to look like a Barbie Doll. I don’t normally speak for all men, but I am pretty sure none of us has ever tried to have sex with a Barbie Doll. Blow-up doll, sure, but as far as I know they don’t come in Barbie form. Barbie also seems like kind of a soulless bitch. She can’t hold down a job. She is a fashion fad chameleon. She’s not special. She’s a dime a dozen (in any flea market.) This is not the ideal woman. Not to mention she has no vagina (something very essential when picking out the ideal women.) I also don’t think she has a plastic brain, but that’s not important to everyone. Plus she’s 53. No thanks.

It doesn’t make sense to me that someone would want to be a piece of plastic - to be objectified as an inanimate (though occasionally sporty) doll. That is until I read this new research. When presented with images of sexy women, both men AND women perceived them as objects while they see sexy men as people. I don’t like objectifying anyone, be they object or people. I think everyone should be judged by how stupid I think they are. What they didn’t express in the study was what men and women thought of regular, normal, stable dudes, like me. If any bar is an indication, they wouldn’t see me, because I am invisible.

Photo property of hagerstenguy.

Who I Am In Love With This Week - Mary Steenburgen

Mary

When you are young you want to do things to your body that are permanent – like having tattoos or piercings or babies. When you get older you inadvertently do things to your body like get wrinkles or stretch marks. Wrinkles are tattoos that you earned. Stretch marks are penalties. You can also just eat a cupcake. Good luck getting rid of that. It’s on your hips long after the wrapper is decomposed.

Have you ever seen a couple in their 50s and the wife is still fit? It’s hard to not ask the husband how he kept that body so tight. You can’t actually tell your woman she is getting heavy. Somehow these guys have found a loophole. I think married people get fat, because you don’t have sex after you get married. Maybe these guys politely explained this to their women and then jumped in the sack. Or maybe they just keep their house at 95° - who knows.

There are two types of guys; those who like MILF porn and those who like the 18 year old porn. The later seems kinda creepy to me at this point. I am in porngatory. I am equally aged from both ends of the spectrum. I can say as I get older a mature woman with some imperfections is appealing – it shows character. I have not fully embraced the MILF camp, but I get it. If I were to start there might be no better place than with Mary Steenburgen. She has held up insanely well. Do you know she is almost 60! She keeps playing a mother in movies and tv shows and it seems impossible, but from an age perspective it’s plausible. She was on 30 Rock last night as Elizabeth Banks mother and somehow outhotted her. Alas she is married - Cheers to Ted Danson. The best I can hope for is her daughter, Lilly McDowell, who is my age (see image – also notice the person behind them to calibrate their hotness). Age is just a number. A number that everyone judges you by.

Kegzie

kegsie

As mentioned in Comedic Intent #50 - I own several Dr Dre 40 oz. Koozies. First there was the 12 oz. Koozie - now the 40 oz. When will it stop? When will there be a Kegzie? It would basically just be a keg in a sleeping bag. Adorable. And Patent Pending.

Brandon Spoils Movies - Stand By Me

SBM

A lot of movies nowadays start with a title and work backwards (see Gnomeo and Juliet, Maid of Honor, etc.) Stand By Me could have very well been called Cry With Me, considering there’s a lot of youthful tears shed for a camp out. Or Stand By Me While We Look At The Decaying Body Of Some Kid. Stand By Me is actually based on “The Body” which was one of Steven King’s short stories in the book “Different Seasons.” Most of the short stories in the book have been made into great full length movies. Yet most of Steven King’s full length books have been made into short pieces of crap. He should accidentally lose most pages of his books – it might make for better adaptations.

The story is told from the memory of a writer about the time he and three other childhood friends travelled through the woods, racing against a local gang to see their first dead body. Apparently none of them have ever been to a funeral – including the main character whose brother died. Wouldn’t that have been the first dead body they had seen? The movie stars Wil “Wesley Crusher” Wheaton, River “Only Reason For Joaquin” Phoenix, Jerry “Romijn-Stamos” O’Connell and Corey “Drugs” Feldman as the tight-panted, barbershop quartet, mismatched group of friends. This was the time where you would be friends with anyone who lived close to you – or had a trampoline. I don’t remember any of my friends from 6th grade, let alone their names. Who has this great of a memory? The details are very specific. I can barely tell you what happened last week let alone what happened 20 years ago.

The dead body they travelled to see was that of a missing kid named Ray Brower. He really should have been a white girl. They would have found him way quicker. He got hit by a train (sadly not the Coors Light Train) while picking blue berries and was tossed neatly under a pill of leaves. I don’t remember seeing any blue berries near those tracks. Maybe that’s what was smeared all over his gross face. What would have been way cooler is if they rolled the kid over and it was Jon Cusack, the dead brother! What a plot twist that would have been. And after finding the body they don’t even take it or get credit for it. That’s like being crowned homecoming king and not sleeping with the homecoming queen while three friends look on.

The reason they didn’t take the body is because there was an altercation between the kids and a local gang, The Cobras, led by Keifer Sutherland. To get The Cobras to not take the body, Wheaton pulls a gun on Sutherland. Okay. There really needs to be more of an epilogue than what’s given, because as soon as they got back into town he would have taken the beating of a lifetime. Sutherland was the quintessential badass in the 80s – he was the prototype Billy Zabka. At least Corey got to see Sutherland die in Lost Boys. Actually come to think of it – it wasn’t that train that killed Ray Brower it was Corey’s derailed career. Luckily it didn’t take Wheaton down with him.

Designing Women - Part XVIII

penguin

No one wants to be in the friend zone. I have friends. I don’t need more. The friend zone is like a waiting room that you sit in expecting to eventually get called up, but it never happens (the friend zone also has no good magazines to read.)  I have spent plenty of time in the friend zone. To make the experience worse is when people continue to remind you that you are in the friend zone. It’s bad enough I am here, but it’s just cruel to use sentences like, “because you’re such a good friend…” or “if you weren’t my buddy…” If I am standing at line at McDonald’s you don’t have to keep reminding me I am at McDonalds. I get it. I was hungry and I took a wrong turn somewhere and ended up here. Sure the friend zone offers some substance, but it’s not what you want. “You want a Big Mac? How does a Saltine sound?”

The substance the friend zone could offer is - a sliver of proof that you aren’t as creepy as you appear. If you hang around attractive people of the opposite sex – a potential mate sees this and assumes if you were a serial killer you would be drinking alone plotting on the back of a napkin. You are at least acceptable enough for a night on the town. New research confirms that, “men receive higher desirability ratings from female raters when presented with attractive (compared to unattractive) model females.” Having a hot female friend that you can’t sleep with has finally proved to have some value. The next time you are sitting in the friend zone and an attractive female accidentally walks in and finds you there at least she knows you were granted an appointment. She might even share your Saltine.

Who I Am In Love With This Week - Azealia Banks

The internet is heroin. The first time you hear about it and try it it’s the best thing ever, and then the diminishing returns set in. You will never reach that first high again. Every once in a while a new site will come along or a new feature that makes you think it’s great again, but it will never be the same. It’s like the crappy boyfriend who lulls you into submission, treats you like shit, then brings you chocolate once a year just to keep you attached. But we’re addicted what are we going to do - go back to the Dewey Decimal system? Don’t make me slap you.

The byproducts of the internet fall into the same trap. I keep getting exposed to new artists and get really excited, but with every additional track I lose interest (or lost interest by single #2 - I won’t names names but I will link links .) Whenever an artist I like drops a new single or record I brace myself for the worst and usually end up disappointed. Then the latest release bottlenecks the original and I end up just disposing of my any excitement for the artist. Oh no. I might be a hipster. NO! Hipster is to internet as Addict is to heroin. I feel like I am shooting up with a cat5 cable while pulling a computer ribbon around my bicep with my teeth.

Azealia Banks is one of the newer artists I was introduced to over the last year and I bump “212” all the time. She seems like the evolution of a lot of the female rappers out there now-a-days. She isn’t glamour or ghetto fabulous. She just seems real. The girl next door. She’s the rapper next door. That’s not to say she’s run of the mill, she’s not. There are plenty of girls who live next door, but not all of them can do that pouty lip lick thing like Azealia. I was very concerned about her future output. Today she released Jumanji and although it isn’t as infectious as “212” it’s still decent. Maybe that’s the best we can hope for. A diminishing return curve that is gradual rather than a cliff. I can deal with that. I can also watch her groove all night even without the sound on.

CIP - 1 Year

CIp1Year

BTW - last week was our 1 year anniversary.

They grow up so fast don't they?

Thanks everyone for listening, contributing & supporting.

Okay. Back to the dick jokes.

Designing Women - Part XVII

upside

We are throwing around the term “artist” pretty loosely these days. I make jokes, but I don’t call myself a laugh artist. Just because someone makes you a sandwich, it does not make them a sandwich artist. That’s just Tony in a visor. I didn’t walk in there with my bread and a rough idea of a post modern club sandwich in a palette of warm pastrami. There’s a reason there aren’t sandwich artists set-up on the boardwalk hoping to score some money creating the perfect piece of art for your vacation. This sandwich is not going on the wall – unless I throw it against the wall in anger.

Celebrities have make-up artists, which seems like the most fleeting form of art. It is art that only lasts one day (or sometimes just one good cry.). Celebrities are the blank canvas – beautiful, beautiful canvases. Which is why I hate those “celebrities without make-up” magazine covers. You know men don’t wear make-up, right? That’s what we look like all the time. Leave these women alone. Of course that actress is going to look different walking her kid in the morning than she would in a $100M movie. I also don’t like the “geeky childhood” photos of celebrities. Of course they looked like a nerd at 10 years old in a school photo. I would be creeped out if they published good looking kids at age 10 saying how sexy they look.  

If celebrities are the best we got and we act like their natural appearance is monstrous, no wonder the average women is self-conscious and sometimes feels inferior. I adore a women who chooses not to wear make-up or conform to what society think is beauty. Do you know breast enhancement is the most popular cosmetic surgery? Awful. Large breasts are seen as an indicator of sexual maturity, but women are maturing earlier and breasts are getting bigger over time . Can we all agree to stop the breast overdosing? Let things work naturally. If we continue adding bigger breast implants to bigger breasts at some point women will just be one giant breast. One giant breast ravaging the countryside, destroying small villages and local wildlife (see Woody Allen’s “Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex*”). The story is turning out to be less fantasy comedy and more a warning for future generations.

Fashion The Pan - Part III

bag

Well. It happened. As predicted in Designing Women Part V – the era of lazy fashion continues growing at the same rate of people’s actual laziness. Now people are actually wearing bedding. In this case it’s just a sleeping bag, but its one step towards mattress-wear. One day you will see people doing their summer clothes shopping at Sleepys.

This must really confuse our evolutionary genes. If we are wearing our bedding at some point in the future, we will have shells, like turtles, and we will just lie on our shell and grab a quick nap. Just think another place for women to store their make-up and junk.

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