Brandon Fisher, CJ Kirkwood & Faizan

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Gutzy

Written by: Brandon Fisher

gutzy

A Kickstarter campaign is underway to make “meet-me-wear” clothing called Gutzy that people wear to inform everyone that they are single. I thought we already had a line of clothing that informed people you were single. They’re called Tommy Bahama shirts. No one has been laid in a Tommy Bahama shirt since Tommy Bahama. While I think it would be helpful to know who in the bar is single, I think the fact that we are in a bar, on a Wednesday at 1am, implies everyone is single (at least for tonight.) How quickly do you think this will be the fashion choice for the married man looking for a one night stand with no strings or thread attached? It’s bad when your wife finds lipstick on your collar, but its worse when she finds it on the collar of a Gutzy shirt (and you thought leaving porn in the VCR was bad.)

I thought women liked a well dressed man. These don’t come in suit form, right? Not even a tie? I certainly hope the myth that women look at men’s shoes first are true. At least until they launch the Gutzy shoe line. These seem a little desperate. They say desperation is the worst cologne – now it’s also the worst clothing choice. The fact that they call it Gutzy says it all. Some people shouldn’t trust their gut - especially if it’s a beer gut, because it’s probably drunk and will make terrible decisions, like buying these.

The purchasing of these garments should be done in a basement (probably your parents since you already live there) under a veil of secrecy and fog of bourbon. Then the garment should arrive in an unmarked black package with the purchase, a subscription to cat fancy and a blank suicide letter. I am not sure what sizes these run through, but if the size begins with an “X” you’re likely to see that same tattered stained covered shirt worn 10 years in the future. Speaking of the future – what’s the return policy on these things? Do you get to return it when you meet someone? Who are we kidding? No one is going to meet someone wearing this.

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