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Fear

Written by: Brandon Fisher

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I learned recently you should never ask someone their greatest fear, because that will inevitably become one of your greatest fears. A fat man once said something about fear itself being the only thing we have to fear. I would quote him, but I have a fear of quoting (quotaphobia.) Most fears aren’t about the fear itself, but about the implication of the fear. Therefore, we have nothing to fear but the results of the fear we fear the fearest. Let’s look through the list of fears in order and break some of these fears down:

01. Fear of flying

This is a great example of being afraid, not of the fear, but of the result. I mean who wouldn’t want to be a bird? This one is more a fear of crashing. These people should listen to some R Kelly. Not because of, “I Believe I Can Fly”, but because it reminds them that getting peed on is a far worse outcome that crashing into a mountain.

Worst Person To Have This Fear: Person who gets shot out of canon at circus

02. Fear of public speaking

This again isn’t so much about the fear itself, it’s about fear of the dying of embarrassment. To help with this one – they tell you to picture people in their underwear. This is why there are so many male comics, because they picture people in their underwear constantly. Sometimes less than underwear. I like to picture myself in underwear, because I have a recurring fear where I show up naked and at least in underwear there’s less crying.

Worst Person To Have This Fear: Prophet

03. Fear of heights

According to these first three fears. Airline stewardesses are the bravest people in the world. I mean they would have to be to be cooped up with all those shoeless, snoring passengers.

Worst Person To Have This Fear: God

04. Fear of the dark

Who doesn’t still run to their bed to get under the covers after turning off the light? You don’t? Really? You know the covers keep you safe from monsters, right? I thought you were smarter than that. Now who looks foolish?

Worst Person To Have This Fear: Burglar

05. Fear of intimacy

Now we are back to the fear of dying of embarrassment (and in this scenario you are naked.) I am not sure if this is related to performance anxiety or size of the reproductive organ or possibly getting murdered in your most relaxed state, but come on, we aren’t praying mantises. They won't bite your head post-coitus. That typically happens during foreplay. Seriously people, you’re getting some. Lighten up. This is much better than the fear of never getting any again. Unless of course this person is afraid of getting raped in jail in which case - I totally get it.

Worst Person To Have This Fear: Hooker

06. Fear of death, dying

Really? Fear of death comes after fear of intimacy? That means people would rather be dead than engaged in a sexual act. You know, some people like to have sex with dead things. Maybe there’s a support group where they could meet their ideal soul mate.

Worst Person To Have This Fear: A Ghost

07. Fear of failure

You miss 100% of the shots you never take. And if you’re Michael Jordan you miss more than half. BOOM SHAKA LAKA!

Worst Person To Have This Fear: Shaq

08. Fear of rejection

I don’t like the super cocky guys who are like, “I would never date a girl I met at a bar”. Well, I am sorry that I don’t have the luxury to discriminate where I get rejected from. I will get rejected anywhere.

Worst Person To Have This Fear: Prisoner up for parole

09. Fear of spiders

I thought me and spiders had an agreement. I let them come in, rent-free and they could eat all the bugs they wanted because I don't want to be the person who kills a bug and ruins A Bugs Life Pt. 2. Now I’ve come to find out that over your lifetime you consume upwards of four spiders while you sleep? This is terrifying to me, because I did not know that I was a sleep eater. If I am eating 4 spiders I must have had at least 30 cupcakes. And why are these spiders walking around in my mouth when I sleep? We had an agreement!

Worst Person To Have This Fear: Me

And my favorite 17. Fear Of Dying Alone

I know a lot of people who are afraid to die alone. Not me. I am afraid to die in a murder/suicide. That’s sounds like a far more frightening scenario. Give me a deathbed any day. My greatest deathbed fear is that I will be going towards the light, about to breathe my last breath and then a hot doctor comes in and takes my breath away…because that’s medical malpractice. And a shitload of paperwork.

Worst Person To Have This Fear: Mass Murderers

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