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Lady Gaga

Written by: Brandon Fisher

 

LadyGaga.jpg

I don’t normally review modern movies, but this one is special. Special in the way that autistic children are special. There is a 7-11 next to one of the mics I go to each week that sells these Nigerian produced movies which are basically 21st century blacksplotation movies. No one is asking them to do this - they are doing it of their own free will to eliminate yours. The collection is offensive and inappropriate and I wanted nothing to do with it until I saw this shining beacon wrestle its way through the mound of rubbish. It’s called Lady Gaga. Looking at the cover you would assume this has nothing to do with the pop signer Lady Gaga and you’d be right. But reading the back description it’s totally about Lady Gaga or rather someone that wants to be Lady Gaga. The description is copied and pasted from Lady Gaga’s Wikipedia article, but told in the first person. In the same way a Lady Gaga song is unavoidable, I had to purchase this – you know – for comedic intent.

When I popped this in my DVD player, even though it’s not connected to the internet, I had this sinking suspicion that I was going to get a virus. If defies logic, but so does Lady Gaga. The DVD opens with previews for the Nigerian production company’s other movies, but the thing is - - you can’t fast forward through them. You have to sit through all of them. This Nigerian production company holds you hostage in your own apartment. And each preview is like 10 minutes long and is riddled with spoilers. It’s basically the whole movie (including the end) chopped down to 10 mind warping minutes.

After an hour of previews torture the movie finally started. The movie is sort of like someone who had never seen a movie before was explained what a movie was and this was their attempt to make a movie. There are giant leaps in logic and plot holes (almost more than the previews if that’s possible) and the dialogue is like a half-completed Mad Lib. I could only make it through 15 minutes, before I gnawed through the ropes and freed myself of the obligation to watch this for the review. This is the visual equivalent of water boarding. Sadly, I can’t tell you what happens, since I didn’t finish it, but the cover alone is worth another review.

If you notice this is parts 1 & 2. In the 7-11 there was another copy with parts 3 & 4. This means, there could be even more, like Lady Gagas who were fed after midnight or introduced to water. The tagline is “Her Swagger Is Very Powerful”. I didn’t know swagger was a measurement of force. What is the weight to swagger ratio? And how does one yield their swagger for evil rather than good? This is also rated PG (Parental Guidance) which means children can watch this. I don’t know that children should optionally watch this. I think it should be a form of punishment. The last observation, and I’m a stickler for copy, is that someone accidentally sized the font in the second half of the title “Screen Play” with the writers name. This implies no one proofed the copy. Nor did anyone proof the movie. This women is Lady Gaga to the same degree this movie is a movie.

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