Brandon Fisher, CJ Kirkwood & Faizan


Designing Women - Part XXXIX

Written by: Brandon Fisher


I spend as little time as possible in the bathroom. It’s strictly utilitarian for me. I don’t know why people insist that its a little vacation. I see people; lingering, lounging, conversing, eating…that’s right…I have been in the same bathroom as someone eating chips on the toilet (thus creating a visual representation of the process of digestion.) Then someone walked in a started brushing their teeth prompting me to vocally respond, “please don’t brush your teeth in here, people are trying to eat.”

The other day I saw a short hair on the toilet seat at work. This means one of two things occurred; someone decided to get a closer look at their deposit and an eye lash fell daintily onto the seat or someone shaves their pubes, but has gotten very lazy. Neither option is preferable, it’s just an example that people are gross. I understand it’s a rest room, but there’s no need to live out your most disgusting personal fantasy in the confines of their stall. Like peeing on the goddamn seat instead of lifting the seat or using one of the widely available urinals. No one wants to sit in your pee, you weirdo. So we have to either clean up after you, like an infant or hover like a woman. I clean, because I am too uncoordinated and off balance to navigate a successful on target deposit.

As much as you don’t want to believe it, women are just as foul as men. I have lived with them, thus shattering any preconceived belief in their ability to retain all nutrients and vitamins from food with no refuse. According to a study¹, upwards of 98% of women hover over the seat as opposed to sitting directly (and comfortably.) I understand if you live with a guy and don’t want to sit in pee, but isn’t this creating a vicious cycle whereby they can’t accurately hit target and the next women into the stall has to hover to avoid any direct flash to pee contact? I think we as a society have proved we aren’t responsible enough to have modern sewage systems. Back to holes in the ground we go.


¹ “Crouching Over the Toilet Seat; Prevalence Among British Gynaecological Outpatients and its Effect Upon Micturition” by K.H. Moore et al, published in the British Journal of Obstetrics and Gynaecology in 1991

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