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Brandon Spoils Movies - Love Actually

Written by: Brandon Fisher

loveactually

Normally I reserve these posts to make catty comments about cheesy 80s movies or cheesy comments on catty 80s movies (see: Cat’s Eye), but this week, since the holidays are approaching, I am commenting on the only holiday movie I enjoy, Love Actually. While not a Christmas movie, actually, it happens around and mentions Christmas a number of times, so that’s good enough in my book (or post). Why do I find myself watching this movie every year? Because I am an adult who makes his own decisions. Also, there are boobs in this movie, did you know that? Boobs. And not gross fake boobs or old person boobs. Nice holiday boobs.

There are way too many characters and plot lines to summarize here, so I was I will just address stray comments that sadly fell unheard, since I live alone. The aforementioned boobs come in the form of Joanna Page and Laura Linney (listed in order of quality.) Page is an actor stand-in who along with Martin Freeman reveal their character and bodies over time while letting the creepy lighting guys look on. Had I known this was a viable career path, I would have switched majors in college. Furthermore, in reality they are actors, which means there were actual actor stand-ins for them who also got progressively more naked. I wonder if they also feel in love. It could have been a Christmas miracle, actually. Linney has to choose between the love for her far-superior coworker (in terms of; looks, body shape, career advancement, desirability, sit-up crunch ability, etc) and the love of her mentally disabled brother. Ultimately she chooses her brother, because blood is thicker than abs, but not after whipping out her stocking stuffers for him. Merry Christmas, I got you blue balls, actually.

Liam Neeson plays the husband of a recently deceased mother of a foppy haired scamp. Why is Neeson’s wife deceased or in danger in every movie? Liam, at some point you have to realize it’s you, actually. The bed-head prone scamp falls for a fellow student and decides to learn to drum to win her affection. He magically learns drums within a month (and is fortunate that the school decided not to hold auditions prior to one week before opening) and woos her only to follow her, like a stalker, through the airport escaping much needed security to bomb her with affection. Given that the movie opens with a reference to 9-11 you would think they would have beefed up the airport security in that scene. His plan succeeds with little to no TSA pat-downs and he gets the girl, actually.

Three British mainstays; Alan Rickman, Colin Firth, and Hugh Grant, are written in, because of course they are. The American viewing audience would be confused by the accents unless they dribble emotionlessly out of those familiar faces. One is a cheater, one gets cheated on and the other cheats on Elizabeth Hurley with a fucking skeezy prostitute. Really? Really? Actually? Their counterparts are; Emma Thompson, Lúcia Moniz and Divine Brown respectively (except not so respectively for the latter.) In my opinion they could have all done better, actually.

So many other people. Rick from The Walking Dead, plays a very un-Rick pansy who would have been victim #1 in the zombie apocalypse. Keira Knightley is portrayed by a science class skeleton. Mr. Bean talks, for some reason. Billy Bob Thorton is an asshole. Elisha Cuthbert, Shannon Elizabeth and Betty Draper are whores. Everyone has a male black friend and yet no one has a female black friend. And finally, Bill Nighy plays what could go down and the best character in cinematic history. Seriously the best. Why couldn’t the whole movie have been about him, actually?

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