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Brandon Spoils Movies - Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot

Written by: Brandon Fisher

sommws

Some films are better when you rewatch them. Some get worse. Others maintain their neutrality and mehness so fervently you wonder why you’re watching it in the first place. Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot fits into the latter category. It’s so forgettable; I am surprised I remembered it existed. After rewatching it I can report that it’s not a bad movie - it holds together inexplicably well. In fact, from a continuity perspective it is challenging to make fun of it in my usual fashion. But don’t let me talk you into thinking it’s a good movie, because it isn’t. SOMMWS is about momma’s boy Sylvester Stallone who gets a visit from his mommy and she witnesses a murder and has to hang around with him until it’s solved. Yup, that’s the whole movie in one sentence. It’s pretty easy to keep continuity when you don’t run out of breath explaining it. So instead of widening plot holes and highlighting errors I am going to address 80s cinema through the scope of SOMMWS.

Sylvester Stallone plays a cop. Shocking, I know. The 80s saturated the market with so many typecast actors that sometimes you didn’t know where one movie ended and the next one started. And what’s more difficult is that the roles were too ambiguous. Take SOMMWS. Was Stallone a Detective or a Negotiator or a PI or Street Cop or in Homicide? He did a little of each during the movie while acting poorly in each role. Stallone really isn’t a good actor unless he is shooting or punching something. It also helps if all his lines are screams. There’s a lot of cliché dialogue and action sequences including the close-up of someone blowing the smoke from their gun. If you really wanted to be hardcore, you wouldn’t blow it away, you would inhale it.

The 80s also loved old people (see *Batteries Not Included , Cocoon, Throw Momma From The Train, etc.) So it’s no surprise that the sidekick in this movie was Estelle Getty. Apparently Getty died in 2008, but I like to think she shrunk into non-existence. She adds some comic relief to the movie and basically creates the characters for Everybody Love Raymond. Then there are the villains. The villains in 80s movies didn’t need to be particularly scary. They just had to put a corporate exec in a suit and hope the audience catches their evil through shifty squinted eyes. This movie has some of the most bumbling, worthless criminals. It would have actually been more interesting watching Stallone fight Getty.

The creative department in the 80s must have just had head shots of famous actors taped to the wall and two darts and whichever two actors were in punctured by the dart had to act in a movie together and the premise would be based on their difference. “Throw the dart”. Getty and Stallone. “We’ll make a Son / Mom Cop movie where they have to solve a murder”. DeVito and Schwarzenegger. “We’ll make a Fat Guy / Tough Guy movie where they have to solve a murder.” Hoskins and a Cartoon. “We’ll make a Cop / Cartoon movie where they have to solve a murder.” Weller and a Robot. “We’ll make a Cop / Robot movie where they have to solve a murder.” Are you getting the formula yet?

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