Brandon Fisher, CJ Kirkwood & Faizan

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Fashion The Pan - Part X

Written by: Brandon Fisher

hellraiser

Getting kicked in the balls in the worst. Literally the worst. Girls don’t seem to understand what the feeling is equivalent to, so I give them these two points of reference. You know in the Matrix when the sentinels are chasing the Nebuchadnezzar and they use the EMP pulse to knock out all the electrical circuits in the surrounding area. It’s like that. Or maybe, in Return Of The Jedi when The Emperor is trying to turn Luke to the darkside and he is filling his body with the lightning from his hands. It’s like that. What? Most women hate science fiction movies? Okay – it’s like when you forget to put oil in your car and blow out the transmission. It’s like that. This is why they teach you the knee-to-the-crotch move on your first day in any self defense class. It’s the most effective defense in an attack.

That is unless you own these called The Hellraiser shoe by some evil company called Unif. Studs and spikes are nothing new, especially in punk culture, but they were more used for aesthetics and sometimes for damage in the pit, but never damage in the crotch. If you hit some dude in the balls with these you would go from playing softball to whiffleball. I do get a chuckle out of these, because at the end of the night, when the girl is drunk and no longer wants to wear shoes, she can't really carry these things around – you would have to just tack them up against a cork board and retrieve them in the morning.

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