Brandon Fisher, CJ Kirkwood & Faizan


Brandon Spoils Movies - Cocoon

Written by: Brandon Fisher


Continuing my education on movies where aliens and old people kick it; I submerged myself in the pool of my couch this weekend and watched Cocoon. Cocoon ironically contains two of the same geezers as a married couple from *Batteries Not Included; Jessica Tandy and Hume Cronyn – apparently there was a shortage of old people in the mid-eighties. Maybe the movies are linked. I mean it follows the theme that aliens don’t know what a bummer it is to have to hang out with old people all day. At least they sprinkled in a little Guttenberg for street cred instead of the Kenny Loggins look alike.

In Cocoon, aliens return to earth to rescue some workers that were left behind when they built (and ultimately let sank) Atlantis. The workers were stored in cocoons at the bottom of the sea and they were retrieved and placed in a pool by a nearby old folks home to incubate. The old folks, who need to be fenced off, break free on a daily basis and swim in the pool containing the cocoons, which gives them youthful energy. Here’s where things start to come apart like the seams of Wilfred Brimley’s swim trunks. If these cocoons had rejuvenating qualities, wouldn’t the whole ocean surrounding them be susceptible to the effects? And yes, the old people were rewarded with the energy and souls of their younger selves, but their bodies were still shit. Once the alien serum wore off, their bodies would go into a state of shock. It would be like if you strung up Don Ameche like a marionette and made him breakdance (which happened in the movie!!) then you cut the strings. His body would crumble faster than Guttenberg’s career.

Enough taking the piss out of the actors – let’s move onto the aliens / glow worms. I can’t really fault them for hanging out with old people – I mean it makes sense they chose people closest to their age, but you are telling me they could chose any skin to live in and one of them actually chose Brian Dennehy? He should have returned it to the shop for being defective and asked for a refund. Speaking of money. Where did they get all their money to rent and boat and a house for 27 days? You’re telling me we have space / USD currency converters? I think not. Unless there was a scene where they sell Atlantis artifacts at the pawn shop, I call bullshit. And what a bunch of asshole friends. They left these workers at the bottom of the sea for thousands of years. You couldn’t have popped in for a quick visit once in a while? Hell, even Wilfred Brimley’s grandson drops by on the regular.

Anyways – the aliens forgive the old people for letting their dry pruney bodies suck the life energy from their friends and offer to take them into space where they will live forever. There is a slow moving boat chase scene, which moves about as fast as you would expect old people to move and finally a giant spaceship, filled with pudding I assume, beams them in and they fly away. I guess there’s a lot of shuffleboard in eternity. Let’s just hope there isn’t any di-a-bee-tuss.

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