Brandon Fisher, CJ Kirkwood & Faizan


Brandon Spoils Movies - Crocodile Dundee

Written by: Brandon Fisher


Ah the 1980s - where you could be a celebrity just by being from a foreign country (see: Yahoo Serious, and Yakov Smirnoff.) Paul Hogan, better known as Crocodile Dundee (and less as the full name Michael J Dundee), capitalized on the trend and wrote this tale of an aborigine poacher, who gains fame and leaves Australia to come to New York for some reason. It’s your typical crocodile out of water story. Ha. Get it. How was that not the tagline? Anyways, he’s called Crocodile, because a crocodile attacked him. If this is the logic for naming convention then shouldn’t Steve Irwin have been called Stingray or Sonny Bono have been called Tree? RIP, guys. It’s shocking to me that Hogan became a short-lived star after this movie came out considering that he was 49 when it ran and half of his dialogue is “G’day”.

Normally at this point in the review I discuss the plot, but that would be unfair, considering that this film in no way follows a typical three act movie structure. First, half of the movie is spent in Australia and half is in America, so it’s actually a two act structure, but in neither half does anything actually happen. Normally there are obstacles and a midway point called first culmination where the protagonist seems farthest from his goal or objective. Aside from some stray intruders (and stay-in boyfriends) there really aren’t any obstacles. I guess you could say it was the possibility of losing his love interest, but she makes out with him super early in the movie and never really poses a threat of leaving. Second, there really is no goal or objective in the movie other than drinking, fighting and packing enough crocodile suits for a long vacation. The whole time watching this I was thinking, “When is the murder going to happen that he has to solve?” It never happens. At least in the sequel there are gangsters.  

So what does happen? I wish I knew, man. I wish I knew. With nothing cinematic to cling to, I will just make stray catty observations. It’s no wonder the crocodile tried to eat him, his skin is like seasoned beef jerky. Seriously don’t these people use sun block? He is so tan, with that blonde hair he looks like the tanned mom (if she took 6 months off that is.) The co-star/love interest, who is a totally slut by the way, never wears a bra in the ENTIRE movie. By the second or third outfit I started to get curious, so I tallied her outfits through the end and nope, not one single bra was injured in the filming of this movie. She is a reporter for Newsday and its no wonder the newspaper industry is in decline. There was no story to report (or movie, for that matter), but they lavishly pampered her and this walking slim jim for a news story about a guy who got bit, but doesn’t lose a leg, from a crocodile. I mean shit, the poor surfer girl who got her arm bit off didn’t get a luxury suite in downtown NYC. This whole newspaper gushing was questionable until it’s revealed her father is the owner. Now it makes sense. I will say if you have to watch this movie, skip to the last scene it’s pretty great. I won’t ruin that for you. Just everything else.

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