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Brandon Spoils Movies - *Batteries Not Included

Written by: Brandon Fisher

Batteries

After watching Short Circuit I decided to delve further into the fantasy world of human/machine interaction, so I braved my way through “*Batteries Not Included”. Two things should have warned me about this movie by just looking at the box; elderly people will be prominently featured and the asterisks imply it’s a footnote to something unmentioned. I blindly accepted the challenge and pressed play. Sure enough old people are in abundance in this film and the asterisks seems prefixed by “Battery Powered Plot Holes*”.

You’ve seen the movie “Up”? Of course you have. It’s great. Go watch that instead of this since the arc is pretty similar. A run-down shitty apartment building is all that stands between a real estate developer and his new skyscraper. So he hires a gang of ruffians to forcefully eject the tenants from their homes. Some residents refuse to leave and get harassed and terrorized. That is until a pair of space ships / aliens appear and help them defeat their opponents like a mechanical Seven Samurai. Ultimately the skyscrapers are built around the apartment building, just like in “Up”. Yes, “Up” came after this movie, but it’s easier to think that this was a shitty rip off. Here’s why…

It’s never really explained if these space ships were aliens or just machines from space. I would say machines, but they gave birth to other ships in the middle, so I am leaning more towards alien. This also implies there was some space ship fucking that wasn’t filmed. I also think alien, because they don’t seem to be affected by water or rust even though some of the parts used to make their children were scraps of metal that do rust. Also, a machine would know that hanging out with old people all day is a drag and should be avoided at all costs.

It’s also not really explained why they chose this apartment building. They needed to be recharged through electrical sockets, but they could have chosen any building in the world. Why this one? Because they wanted to help these tenants? Seems like a pretty significant leap of faith. You’re telling me they would fly across the galaxy just to help someone fix things? So they are like space superintendents? And if they had the power to fix things, couldn’t they fix the old people’s Alzheimer’s?

Speaking of flying across the galaxy, they are using Earth like a gas station (very similar to the concept behind Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy), so why not take over the earth for its electrical resources? That’s what I realized about movies with aliens; if they communicate with us they’re good aliens, if they don’t communicate with us they will destroy us for our resources. If anything they are treated less like conquerors and more like slaves. They have to put everything back together, they work in the restaurant and they can’t escape. If we do ever enslave aliens, we will have to put them in space camp. Because that’s in Alabama and that place is like a prison. You know what? Just go watch Wall-E. At least if there are machines in space cleaning up after humans there should be a good story supporting it.

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