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Brandon Spoils Movies - RoboCop

Written by: Brandon Fisher

RoboCop

I read that Hugh Laurie (aka House) will likely join Abbie Cornish, Samuel L Jackson and Gary Oldman in a RoboCop reboot. I decided to brush up on my RoboCop awareness and rewatch the 1987 original. Instead of nitpicking the finer details, as per usual, I am going to list what I feel should and should not be included in the remake. Though - I will hold true to the series and spoil many plot points.

Should be included:

  • - Since he has a son, a scene where he attempts, but ultimately cannot play catch with his son. I will also accept a scene where he makes robot love to his lady.
  • - We know he eats. Let’s see him poop. Just once. Come on. They had the VP of OCP do it in the movie. Also someone should probably brush his teeth. Food paste doesn’t smell so fresh after a day napping in a cage.
  • - Accessories. If they can build him however why not give him wheels and possibly a jet pack? He can’t sneak up on anyone walking around like a Clydesdale. A wheel would make more sense. I mean they are in Detriot. We know they have car technology. Plus, it would circumvent the question of how he learned to drive after having his memory wiped.
  • - The fake commercials. And more of them please.
  • - When Kurtwood Smith walks in on Miguel Ferrer after he vacuumed some blow off a slut’s chest he says, “Bitches leave.” This is possibly the best line of dialogue from any movie ever.
  • - RoboCop has a built in compartment in his leg for his gun. Keep this and make it bigger, so he can carry his sandwich, maybe some chapstick and a flask.
  • - A scene where it rains and he rusts like the Tinman.

Should not be included:

  • - The fake voice. His mouth is not covered at all. Why would there be a fake voice? Cut it out.
  • - On the above note: cut out any robot noises. What the hell noises were coming out of the ED209? Sounded like a feral animal.
  • - The sarcastic catch phrases (unless there is a scene where House teaches him how to be snarky.)
  • - Unlike the commercials they should cut the outdated unfunny sitcom playing ad nauseam or at least update it with someone hysterical like Gallagher.
  • - The whole visit to his old home. It was littered with trash and unpotted plants. That house will never sell in that condition.
  • - A partner (unless it’s the claymation ED209.)
  • - The scene with stereotypical angst youth dancing to alternative music. Ie. no Skrillex please.
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