Brandon Fisher, CJ Kirkwood & Faizan


Brandon Breaks Records- Dean & Mary

Written by: Brandon Fisher


If people had to get their marriage license at the DMV, like they get their drivers license, there would be some serious reconsideration about this whole marriage thing. They wouldn’t even have to change the acronym they could merge the Department of Motor Vehicles with the Department of Marital Vows. You would have to sit there with that person for, like hours, just staring desperately at the turning of the counter, exhausting the well of small talk and being weathered through the worst possible conditions. The DMV is basically purgatory. A holding cell that you sit though while ultimately going nowhere. The DMV is like the ghost of probable future. If you make a wrong turn that could be you – sitting back-to-back with your spouse unable to look them in their stupid face while your children circle you like vultures running tirelessly and unapologetically over whatever is left of what you used to call a life. Oh – it’s our turn to fill out the marriage application – um, no thanks – I think we are going to ride out this whole single thing.

Do you think you will see your life partner in the afterlife? It would kind of suck to die first. After your spouse passes away you would have to introduce them to all the new friends you’ve made, you have to make space for them on your cloud or whatever and you have to sit through hours of boring updates about life in the nursery home without you. You lose whatever happiness enjoyed from being alone for the first time in years and now you have to to see this person forever. Ugh, kill me now. And let me be clear - I do plan to get married someday. I am not scared to love someone forever. In fact I have been preparing - I haven’t had sex in weeks.

Dean & Mary appear as happy as the warmth a blow dryer can provide. They will clearly be tied together by a thin mist of Aquanet for eternity. Their bodies side by side in beige caskets, but their spirits forever merged on a Vaseline lense cloud. You may ask why is the photo so blurry? Were they moving really fast? Did the photographer not focus the photo? Is this a photoshop effect? Nope this is actually what it looks like. I like to think they are ascending to Heaven. Or maybe ghosts in purgatory. How did they die? Mary needed update her drivers license status to organ donor and the rest is beige history.

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