Brandon Fisher, CJ Kirkwood & Faizan


Brandon Spoils Movies - Ghostbusters

Written by: Brandon Fisher


This week I watched the beloved Ghostbusters. It’s one of the few movies whose title literally describes the whole movie (also see How Stella Got Her Groove Back.) Ghostbusters is the number 1 ranked horror comedy of all time. I get the comedy moniker, but horror? Not really. Even as kid watching this it was far from frightening. Part of the reason was the ghosts are about as scary as Casper. Take a look at Slimmer. What animal or creature was Slimmer before he died? The body and mouth certainly aren’t the shape of a human – okay maybe the shape of Minnie Driver. He was so unthreatening that in the cartoon he was even their buddy. Hell, I remember drinking Ecto Cooler Hi-C with Slimmer right on the box (because who doesn’t quench their thirst with thoughts of slime?)

Then there’s the Sumerian God/Villian named Gozer the Gozerian. In the movie Gozer was at one point a woman (not scary) and the Stay Puft Marshmallow man (slightly more scary than a woman, but only in height not in sassiness.) Gozer was killed not by a direct hit, but only after his door was destroyed. He must have really loved that door. Then there are Gozer’s helpers; Rick Moranis as the Key Master and Sigourney Weaver as the Gate Keeper - who get turned into devil dogs that looked like claymation turds. Question: If Weaver was able to kill aliens – why was so afraid of ghosts? And why if they were turned into evil - why was Weaver so bad (really it was just her with additional make-up), but Moranis was still a nerd? Come on – the Key Master was a nerd? Just like a typical nerd – he has all the equipment, but doesn’t know how to use it. I will say in his defense though – it was a pretty good way to pick up the girl on your floor you have the hots for by getting possessed. Well played. Now I just have to find a haunted apartment building. It will probably be the one with devil dogs and/or gargoyle statues on the upper levels since those tend to be the indicators.

My major concern with Ghostbusters is this: You know how you hear people say, “I would give it all back for just one more day with my father/mother/whatever”? Let’s say they were walking down the street and the reanimated version of that person was back to life and their wish was finally granted, and they are so excited, and they are going to spend a day together, and they run at each other with open arms and then a Ghostbuster shoots them in the face. Now they’ve had to see that person die twice. What assholes. That’s traumatizing. What if the ghost was a helper ghost like Ghost Dad or Patrick Swayze and someone trapped them in a little box before they could complete their quest. These ghosts are in purgatory. They clearly need to complete some act of redemption before passing on into the next life – stop intruding with the netherworld Ghostbusters.

The movie is set in NYC. There is something majorly wrong with NYC. Why is it whenever ooze seeps through the cracks terrible things happen? Turtles become mutants, the dead are reanimated, CHUD babies are born…did I write CHUD I meant Snookis. That is the plot to Ghostbusters 2 (not Snookis revenge, but ooze being the primordial soup for the undead.) I’ve heard Dan Aykroyd spouting that there will be a third Ghostbusters at some point in time. Somehow I doubt that. After 9/11 NYC is pretty secure against villainy – but it would be pretty cool to see them shoot Bin Laden in the face.

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