Brandon Fisher, CJ Kirkwood & Faizan

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Designing Women - Part XX

Written by: Brandon Fisher

goggles

I am single. This is not due to a lack of effort, but rather by unattainable high standards. Therefore, I have decided to reset my standards to default. When you buy a phone and start customizing it and adding apps and buying a nice case and personalizing it – the phone becomes unconventional and unusable for the larger public – like standards. The default seems to work perfectly fine for the majority of people. These seem like the easiest people to please. That default ringtone is like a mating call. I personalized my standards too much and narrowed the pool too much. Now it’s like a kiddy pool. No wait. That doesn’t sound good. Like an above ground inflatable pool that you can’t get completely submerged in and your knees always stick out.  

A huge contributing factor into why I am single is I am too nice of a guy. They say that nice guys finish last, but that’s not true, nice guys get around sex so infrequently they finish almost immediately. Now I like sex as much as the nice guy who hasn’t had it in a while, but I am not so desperate for it that I would do anything unethical like force myself on a girl or pay for a $70 steak dinner (I learned that lesson more than once.) I will and have turned down sex if the woman is on her period. I can take a couple days off. I once went 18 years without sex, in a row, so I think I can manage a long weekend.

A new study reveals that women approaching their ovulation cycle tend to prefer “bad boys”. According to the study; "Under the hormonal influence of ovulation, women delude themselves into thinking that the sexy bad boys will become devoted partners and better dads. When looking at the sexy cad through ovulation goggles, Mr. Wrong looked exactly like Mr. Right." Now I have heard of beer goggles and have worn them so much I got a prescription pair, but I have never heard of ovulation goggles. I am going to the wrong bars. I’ve been going to “ladies nights” I need to be going to “ovulating ladies nights.” But in the end I would be going home alone, because, again, I am a nice guy. But at least I am the nice guy without children and sheets that need washing.

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