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Brandon Spoils Movies - Kindergarten Cop

Written by: Brandon Fisher

KC

As impractical as it may sound, Kindergarten Cop serves as one of the last movies in the great era of late 20th century cinema. Notice I didn’t say it’s a great movie in the great era – because it isn’t - but it doesn’t seem to be market tested into blandness, it doesn’t attempt to appeal to every demographic and it doesn’t rely too heavily on the premise. For example, pretend this movie was made today. First off, it would be a buddy comedy about a grizzled veteran detective who has to team up with a sassy quick witted kindergartener to figure out who stole the milk or whatever (oh wait - I think they made that and called it Cop and a Half). All the murders that happened in the movie would be converted to arrests. There would probably be a K9 helper, which may or may not talk. That cop partner would have to be way hotter. She would probably be replaced by Kelly Clarkson or some other marginally talented house hold name. And forget some kid saying the word “vagina” they’re too young – think of the children! Oh and the kids today love vampires. Everyone would be a vampire.

Thankfully none of those things corrupted the movie. So here’s what does happen. Arnold Schwarzenegger plays a cop who goes undercover as a kindergarten teacher to find out which student is hiding under a fake name from his fugitive father. Hilarity and plot holes ensue. Okay – how uncontrolled is this school? Do they not do background checks? At least two of the teachers weren’t who they said they were. What kind of school let’s a person who can barely speak English teach kids? Those kids would all be left behind countless times. And why are there so many fire alarms per week? When do these kids actually learn? There’s one lady who just follows the principal around all day. Is she like a bitch in training?

Okay enough about the school. Let’s talk Arnold. Wouldn’t you think if you go undercover you would stop using your real name? That’s undercover 101. Even the wife on the run was smart enough to change her hair color. As a teacher, he seems to get pretty abused by 6 year olds. You know he had a 5 year old, right? Unless some genetic mutation happens between age 5 and 6 – I am pretty sure he should have been able to handle it. Or maybe not - maybe that’s why his wife left him – I mean did you see him try to unhook that little girl’s overalls with his giant bear claws? Maybe his wife made the right decision. This leaves him open to dating the wife on the run. Wait – really? She married a drug dealer, stole $3M from him, kidnapped their son and taught under false premises. This is not a good person. Why would you date this? Sure she’s kinda hot, but she has a kid – no thanks.

Then there’s the bad guy, Cullen Crisp. He’s not really that bad. He loves his mom, he doesn’t want to abandon his son, he provides for the family…actually the wife kinda sounds like the asshole here. Sure he kills people, but if you shoot the movie from his angle you get Ransom starring Mel Gibson. You’re telling me you wouldn’t kill someone to get your kid back? Not that the killing really mattered, because he skated right through that trial. Sure the witness died, but did the DA do nothing to interview Arnold or look for the gun or search for evidence or put the witness under protection? Anyways, like an asshole, Arnold thwarts his plan and keeps him from his son. Oh well at least we got a lot of memorial quotes out of this movie and many, many hours of pranks using the Arnold Schwarzenegger Soundboard.

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