“Forrest Gump” the movie has just as hard a time figuring out what it wants to be as Forrest Gump the character does. On the surface the movie is about a dimwitted man who inadvertently finds success at every task he transitions into. But it’s got more going on than a box of chocolates (get it?)

On one hand Forrest Gump is the quintessential Friend Zone movie. Forrest falls in love with a girl and proceeds to structure his life and actions for the approval and desire of this succubus. She, it turn, treats him like shit and takes advantage of his kindness at every turn. Boy this hits close to home. Forrest first meets Jenny (short for Genital Disease) on the bus in elementary school, because everyone knows the prettiest girl at school is open minded enough to befriend the village idiot. They grow up together and she gives him the advice to “just run”, which is what she does from her feelings and responsibilities. She whores it up all over the country and then returns when no one else would love her. She gives him a pity bang and later gives birth to their son. She finally decides to marry him when she is diagnosed with HIV, so that he and his shrimp money can support her. Then she dies so she doesn’t have to raise their child. Typical.

On the other hand Forrest Gump can be viewed as a historical adventure through the later part of the 20th century. He is basically the Where’s Waldo of any 20^th century history text book. The problem is – he didn’t help improve anything. He met JFK, but he didn’t save him from being assassinated. He met the Black Panthers, but didn’t save MLK. He was even in China and didn’t lift a finger to help poor Tibet. So what good did he do? He taught Elvis to dance and invented the smiley face shirt. For a time traveler Forrest was kind of a dick. Also – he wasn’t that great of a dude to begin with. He had no trouble shooting at people in Vietnam, he took advantage of a local boating disaster, he ruins Black Panther parties, he beats anyone who messes with his lady and conceives a child who sees dead people (at least he could talk to his mom again. ED: that was a Sixth Sense reference - look it up)

I am out of hands, but there is at least a third angle – which is the perils of the mentally challenged and the handicapped. When he was younger he had leg braces – because apparently medicine at the time was just to strap metal bars to the problem. At one point he willed away the braces…he must have read “The Secret”. He had subpar intelligence, but somehow was able to graduate not just high school, but also college. Those classes must have been pretty easy. I wonder what he got his degree in. Probably communications (aka the default degree) since he had no trouble talking to everyone he met and boring them into submission. You know what’s nice? Starting the story from the beginning when you meet someone and not assuming they can catch up on the back story while casually waiting for their bus. No way could this movie have happened in DC. We don’t humor the mentally challenged person rambling incoherently about his life for hours.

There are some important life lessons in the movie though. For women – don’t worry - you can do drugs, fuck dudes and become a complete screw-up and still be okay because there will always be someone to love you. For dudes – always change your socks.