Brandon Fisher, CJ Kirkwood & Faizan


Brandon Spoils Movies - Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory

Written by: Brandon Fisher


In full disclosure this week’s entry is one of my favorite movies and I watch it all the time – I‘ve had many ideas over time and most will be described here. I love Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory more than I love actual chocolate. I am not a sweets man. This could be a problem if the contest to get inside the factory was real, because nothing inside would appeal to me. I would probably trade in the gold ticket for cash – in this economy it’s probably worth more than a lifetime supply of chocolate.

The movie stars Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka. Now this was before the days when he and Richard Pryor made a string of movies together. Wouldn’t this movie have been great with Richard Pryor? He could have helped the kids freebase the candy. It also stars 5 kids and 5 adults whose careers were all forever ruined by this movie. The movie itself is about a reclusive chocolate maker who creates a contest to let 5 people (and one family member each) into the factory if they find a golden ticket in a bar of his chocolate. The contest sweeps the world, because apparently everyone really loves chocolate and who doesn’t love vacationing at factories to watch things get made? I know every time I drive by the Coca-Cola plant there are hundreds of people waiting outside. But this is the Wonka Factory, its way better; it’s like Hersey Park if Hersey Park wasn’t stupid.  

The focal point of the movie is Charlie a poor young scamp who lives with his mother and four elderly grandparents. The grandparents all sleep in the same bed (which sounds like the worst orgy ever), but he favors Grandpa Joe at the envy of the other grandpa – tell me that didn’t create some uncomfortable cross bed stares. He, along with four other youths, discover the golden ticket and are granted access to the factory. Really? No adults won – seems odd. Anways - the children are all approached by Slugworth, a rival chocolate maker, and are asked to steal an everlasting gobstopper so he can replcate the formula and put Wonka out of business. The weird thing is later its revealed Slugworth works for Wonka. So does Wonka actually run both companies? Seems like a lot of work to set up a dummy corporation all for a clever ruse. And what are “gobs” and why do we need to stop them so badly?

Inside the factory the children are picked off one by one and are forever horribly scarred by the resulting pain their selfish actions cost them. That is – if they live at all. You never see them after they are taken away. Maybe the oompa loompas are hired hitmen. If he really doesn’t want his secrets getting out - he would have to kill everyone who saw the inner workings. Didn’t anyone think that maybe Wonka was hiding out because he is a murderer? The government should have sent these kids in like Seal Team 5 to take out this serial killer. If you didn’t notice - the children are killed off in the exact order in which they found the ticket. This seems premeditated and couldn’t have been an accident. If Mike Teavee turns into a TV signal, Violet turns violet and Augustus Gloop becomes Gloop Juice – shouldn’t Veruca Salt turned into salt and Charlie turn into a bucket? If you are going to commit you might as well go all out.

The helpers slash murderers helping Wonka out are the oompa loompas. They generate more questions than they sing about. Here are some examples: They learned those harmonies, dances and songs pretty fast didn’t they? (see premeditation theory above.) How do oompa loompa procreate? There are no females. Are oompa loompas midgets who ate after midnight? Why didn’t Wonka get  some Wang Doodles to keep the oompa loompas in check? They are basically slaves – so at what point is there a mutiny in the factory when they revolt against the tyranny of this chocolate dictator? Probably when Charlie takes over. That leads to the conclusion.

Charlie is the last child standing and thus wins the grand prize – no not the chocolate - the whole factory! Congratulations – you get to work. Now go grab a mop. What a shit gift. Couldn’t he just opt for the chocolate instead of slaving away for no pay? And does he quit school the next day? Wonka wants a child, because a child will do things the way he wants – but Charlie will grow up at some point. Will Charlie have to do a similar contest years later and there will forever be a revolving chocolate maker like Dr Who or Menudo? I do quote the last line often, "What happened to the boy who suddenly got everything he always wanted? He lived happily ever after." I always thought I was Charlie: wide eyed optimist who does right to the world and wins in the end. But now I think I may be Wonka: the man who devotes his life to his work and dies alone. Now I just need some oompa loompas.

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