Brandon Fisher, CJ Kirkwood & Faizan


Who I Am In Love With This Week - Chiaki Kuriyama

Written by: Brandon Fisher


I like the colored belt system in martial arts. I don’t know why we didn’t adopt it for all of society. It would be so much easier to find a potential mate if I immediately knew what level the other person was at. I think people should have to earn certain belts, but for real life activities. If someone has advanced to the orange belt, they have graduated college and found a job. If they are burnt sienna, they have already filled their quota of asshole guys and are ready to date a nice guy now. If their belt is has a bunch of notches on it, it means they have submitted to a lot of dudes. If their belt is stretched out and floppy it means they have already had kids. If their belt is shaped like a noose, it means they are unstable and undateable. The risk is that people might start looking down upon people of different belt colors and thus creating the era of beltism. I can’t live in that world. I like people of all religions, races and belt colors.

I never learned any martial arts. That term is interesting, because it is sort of an artform. It’s the only form of art that may kill you (except maybe stand-up.) It inflicts pain while retaining its beauty, like Chiaki Kuriyama. Last week I watched Kill Bill and Battle Royale. Chiaki is in both movies and in both movies she kicks some major ass. Chris Rock said, “You have never been in love unless you have thought about killing someone.” That is very true, and it would be great to date someone that might kill for you. Shows commitment. I would let Chiaki Kuriyama be my body guard and have no reservation about confusing sex roles. Plus it doesn’t hurt to have a beautiful Japanese girl on my arm – while kicking people in the face.

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