Brandon Fisher, CJ Kirkwood & Faizan


Brandon Spoils Movies - The Goonies

Written by: Brandon Fisher


After the success of our Transformers Episode – I decided to start a series where I spoil key moments of movies and the overall joy you get from watching them. First up is the Steven Spielberg classic “The Goonies”.

The plot of the movie is a bunch of outcasts named the Goonies going on a quest to discover One Eyed Willy’s treasure to save the protagonists’ house from being leveled in favor of a country club. They follow a treasure map and clues found in their attic and venture through underground tunnels in hopes of finding an abandoned pirate ship with stolen treasure. Are we certain One Eyed Willy was not a pedophile? Seems like a pretty good ploy to lure kids into his rape cave. And I am not sure, but were we shortening the name William to Willy back then? Doesn’t sound like an intimidating pirate name. And if you didn’t know most pirates wore eye patches to quickly adapt to changes in light, not because they were blind in one eye. Read your history Stevy Spielberg.

The villains in the movie are the Fratellis; Mama Fratelli and her two sons Jake and Francis – one of which seems extraordinarily Italian while the other has no discernable accent. Perhaps the one son was sent to Italy to avoid criminal prosecution like Michael Corleone. It must be hard running a crime ring with your mother. She would always complain you didn’t clean up after yourself, you never do the laundering of the money and you never make your prison bed. I would need to get away too. Maybe that's the reason Joe Pantoliano went into the Matrix was to avoid his mother’s complaining. And the actress who plays the mom was the same actress attempting to be killed in “Throw Mama From The Train”, which I can only assume was the sequel to “The Goonies.”

The Fratellis also have a third brother in the form of a disfigured foodie named Sloth. Aren’t sloths generally lazy, docile creatures? This dude seems like the opposite. He is also the opportunity for product placement, in which there is a lot, from Baby Ruth’s to Superman to being saved from gun fire by a Dominoes pizza box, because we all know bullets cannot pass through the thick crust of a Dominoes pizza. And who thought to purchase the Dominoes pizza at the end anyways. Wouldn’t these parents be more concerned about the safety of their children than which toppings to order?

The Goonies are a hodgepodge of 80’s actors including; Sean “Rudy” Astin, Josh “W” Brolin and Corey “Drugs” Feldman. Most have retained acting roles throughout the years, with the exception of poor Chunk. I can only assume when he goes on casting calls in order to read they make him do the Truffle Shuffle. Do you think Corey Feldman got jealous when Chunk said Michael Jackson came to his house to use the bathroom, because Corey was such a huge fan? Did you know Corey Feldman is releasing a book detailing two actors who molested him? One of which might be Michael Jackson (and the other I can only assume was Sloth.) Gool old One Eyed Mikey.

So the kids foil the Fratellis get to the pirate ship and inadvertently keep enough jewels to save their house, blah blah blah. Two problems. One – why was no one in a speed boat chasing that pirate ship? Two – if they were moving in the next week, didn’t they just royally screw over the owners of the new house they were going to move into? Did the family of that house have to go on a mission to find Curly’s Gold to save their house? Sidenote: Billy Crystal was in “City Slickers 2: The Legend Of Curly’s Gold” and “Throw Mama From the Train.” You are welcome.

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