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Written by: Brandon Fisher

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You know who ruined jazz? No, not Kenny G or Chuck Mangione (though they aren’t helping things). Nancy Reagan ruined jazz – there I said it. Jazz stopped being good in the mid-eighties at the exact time Nancy Reagan took a stand against hard drugs. If Nancy Reagan hadn’t shown up on that episode of Diff’rent Strokes promoting “Say No To Drugs”, Willis may have become the baddest saxophonist around. Back in the day all the jazz musicians did drugs and the music flourished as a result. Now everyone is sober and all jazz sounds like elevator music. They may as well have a jazz musician in the elevator pushing the floor buttons for you. At least that way they would be providing a service to the community.

I say we need to get these musicians back on smack immediately. Couldn’t you just picture Wynton Marsalis doing a line through his trumpet then mowing down some “Flight Of The Bumblebee”? That would the greatest performance you have ever seen. We need to open back up the drug trade in the jazz community for the betterment of mankind. Their managers are already getting a cut of the profits why not double the effort and deal drugs too? Or if the musicians refuse to take one for the team - why don’t we just give some already drug addicted people instruments and see what happens? I mean they are already on the street panhandling for money – why not pick up a trombone and become a street musician?

The music currently surrounding drugs is even more terrible than new jazz. Have you heard House Music? Ugh. The jazz musicians could nail out a couple rocks and then show up at a rave and give the kids something worthwhile to listen to. Jazz with a lightshow and fog machines. That would be sick. Let’s stop imagining this and make this a reality, people.

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