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Brandon Breaks Records- Randy Vanwarmer

Written by: Brandon Fisher

Randy

Newt Gingrinch recently said that he would establish a lunar colony by the end of his second term in office if he were elected president. Isn’t that just like a rich white guy? Just show up somewhere, uninvited and take over. Just because you stick a flag in something doesn’t mean it’s yours. I have planted my flag in a number of women and they don’t necessarily become mine. Stop trying to fuck the moon, Newt - no one invited you. I could see Newt sneaking onto the moon in a suitcase then popping out, like a Trojan Spaceship, and trying to take over the place. Pushing the Mooninites out of their craters and giving them space blankets with Newtpox. Given white people’s track record with exploration, he would probably aim for the moon and end up on Mars and rename it Amoonica and declare all the Martians “Native Amoonicans”.

Was there really an outcry from the GOP base to go back to the moon? I thought they were more concerned about tea and taxes or whatever. Isn’t Newt standing on a platform of anti-immigration? On the moon we would be illegal aliens, literally. We would get to the moon and start mining for resources for free – taking jobs from hard working Mooninites. Seems contradictory. Oh, who am I kidding? We would find a way to make them our slaves and I could see Newt sitting on the porch of the space station in his rocking chair with a mint julep fanning away the sun flares. Did we learn nothing from the movie Enemy Mine?

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