Brandon Fisher, CJ Kirkwood & Faizan


Brandon Spoils Movies - Big

Written by: Brandon Fisher


I went to a thrift store on Saturday and picked up a bunch of VHS Tapes to review here. Yes, I still own a VHS player. And can I give I ask a favor? If you are donating a VHS tape to the thrift store can you take the time to rewind it? I didn’t spend $0.99 to do your work. The first tape that popped to the top of the queue was Big. I remember enjoying this as a kid, but I genuinely liked it and laughed after rewatching it for the first time in many years. Big is a movie about a 13 year-old who can’t get the attention from a schoolmate, due to his lack of height and drivers license, so he wishes on an amusement park machine to be “big”. Overnight he is transformed into a 30 year old Tom Hanks who has to deal with the responsibilities of being big.

First off, the movie is called Big because a child becomes an adult. The definition of “big” is pretty ambiguous. That gypsy had to make some pretty broad generalizations about what the term “big” means. You don’t see any movies where the actor asks to become “big” and becomes obese - oh wait – that’s every popular Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence film in the past 15 years. If he just wanted to be taller and be able to drive, why didn’t he specifically ask to be 16 years old? This whole movie could have been avoided if women weren’t so heightest and car fevered. Sidenote: apparently being big does not require you to shave, because although his chest hair and penis grew, his beard remained in a permanent state of arrested development. The movie also reassures my opinion that carnies are dicks – but they work hard. Did you see how quickly they broke down that entire amusement park? That’s the real miracle in the movie. A Carnie Miracle.

The movie takes place in the late 1980s where apparently you could get a lot done without a banking account or valid social security number. You could get a job, cash checks and find a woman to date – you couldn’t do those things today without those numbers. Hanks gets employed at a toy company and quickly gets promoted to VP for being an adolescent moron. Actually, that sounds pretty close to reality. There is a thin line between business savvy and idiocy. Through this job he meets Susan, the love interest in the movie. Only a tween who hasn’t dated could have missed the fact that Susan was a gold digging office slut. She left her boyfriend and was ready to bang on the first night hanging out with Hanks. In the industry that’s what we call a “Pro Ho”. Her character is actually likable and proves that women love boyish charm – why else are all these teachers falling for their male students?

Hanks quickly and easily acquires a sweet apartment (and a very upset downstairs neighbor) and a ton of clothes and material objects, which I can only assume after the ending vanish quicker than the father in the movie. Did no one else notice the father only appears in act one? Maybe the mother left him because he cared so little about his missing son. Through encounters with his childhood friend, Billy, Hanks decides he wants to become small again and seeks out the location of the gypsy machine named “Zoltar” (which I think means gay hat in gypsian). He finds Zoltar, wishes to be young again and succeeds. In turn, he leaves behind his new life, girlfriend and a mountain of debt and unanswered kidnapping questions. It’s now 2012 and the character in real life would be older than Hank’s age in the movie. What’s sad is that I am 31 and don’t have a sweet apartment with fun games and a girlfriend. Anyone know where I can find a Zoltar machine?

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