Brandon Fisher, CJ Kirkwood & Faizan


Who I Am In Love With This Week - Aubrey Plaza

Written by: Brandon Fisher


Do you think most guidance counselors had guidance counselors who convinced them to become guidance counselors? I can’t think of any reason someone would accidentally become a guidance counselor unless some other unqualified, futureless shell of a human unconvincingly spun the career wheel and lazily instructed them to follow that route. I imagine they instruct the kids they hate to become guidance counselors, so they can guarantee their lives will be slowly crushed. They say “those who can’t do, teach”. Therefore, those who can’t guide, become guidance counselors. I had a guidance counselor who instructed me to take 4 years of a language, so that I wouldn’t have to take any in college. I got to college and learned the joke was on me when my orientation leader laughed in my face and said, “You actually believed that? That was naive. You sure you are ready for college?”

I have forgotten how to write in any foreign language, which became an issue when I lived with my half-Chilean roommate. I tried to write a note to her in Spanish, but in Spanish when you ask a question you have to use that upside down question mark to start the sentence, but most times I don’t know if I am asking a question until I am way too far into the sentence. I wrote her a note, realized I was asking a question, then had to run back to the front to squeeze in that question mark, but I didn’t leave myself enough space – so it was all thin and narrow and looked like an upside down exclamation mark and later she said, “Dude, why are you yelling your questions at me. I will get milk for your cereal. Calm down, Seinfeld.”

I watched Scott Pilgrim again on Sunday and it rekindled my love for Aubrey Plaza. She is most recognized as April Ludgate from Parks & Recreation, which is the only network show that I make an effort to watch. Her character's complete lack of devotion or initiative in the show completely reminds me of every guidance counselor I have ever met. Aubrey is half Puerto Rican. In my dreams, one day we will live together and I will scream questions at her and then she will sarcastically mock me.

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