You don’t see a lot of candy bars on sticks these days. Isn’t that a bad sign? You can’t even hold this candy bar? Do you think the human body can digest something that can’t decide if it’s a solid or a liquid? Make up your mind, caramel. And I bet you if there was a way to smoke caramel - someone would have figured it out by now. There’s probably someone right now behind the dumpster at 7-11 with a lighter under a candy-apple wrapper hoping to get lifted.  

And where did the term “Sugar Daddy” come from when identifying rich men who lavish their young trophy wives with gifts? Was there a point where sugar was so highly coveted that just giving a woman sugar was enough to date her? Women’s standards must be lower than I thought – and I’ve seen the Jersey Shore. They aren’t looking for a “Gold Daddy” or “Diamond Daddy”…a “Sugar Daddy” is good enough. Seems like an easy request. You can get it free at Starbucks. Did you know that “Sugar Daddy” used to be called “Papa Sucker”? I am not making that up. We should start calling these old rich guys “Papa Sucker”, because everyone knows sucking papa is what you are going to have to do to get that new Tiffany’s bracelet. Here, Katie Webster will show you how to do it. Whooo-Wee.