Brandon Fisher, CJ Kirkwood & Faizan

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Designing Women - Part V

Written by: Brandon Fisher

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Women are getting too comfortable looking like they just rolled out of bed in public; Uggs are glorified slippers, yoga pants are upscale sweats, these fabric purses look like pillows and then the snuggie happened and a new era of laziness spread through public like a plague (a plague carried by bed bugs). First they stopped wearing jeans in favor of jeggings and now they have pajama jeans. I would like to see a woman in pajamas in my bedroom not in The Room Store. It’s like we are now dating the Bed Bath and Beyond version of these women instead of the Victoria Secret version like we prefer. I can’t go out in public with what I wear to bed. If I am going to get arrested for being naked in public I will do it on my own terms not as a social experiment for you. At what point do we just cut a hole in a mattress and they will walk around in that? I love sleep time too. If I could I would never leave the bed, but there’s a reason there is a special room for it – just like the bathroom.

Now they’re walking around burping and farting in public (or furping when it happens at the same time) they have their underwear hanging out of their pajama jeans. It’s like women are turning into plumbers. I liked Super Mario too, but I am not trying to date him. I think in general, women are turning into men. This is no good. I hate men. I was actually a feminist for a period in college (that’s a story for a different post.) No wonder I am single – it was okay when I hated half the population, but now that women are turning into men I hate everyone.

Here is evidence of the transformation. According to a new study by the Long Island University – women’s voices are reaching lower octaves. It is now common for them to use “vocal fry”, which is the lowest of the three vocal registers. Two thirds of the women in the study used vocal fry during the experiment. Pretty soon women are going to find it acceptable to have beer bellys and white tank tops with stains on them. Look, I am NOT going to start shaving my girlfriends back.

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